A divorce is a traumatic event, for the couple going through it, for their family and friends looking on, and, perhaps most notably, for the children of the parents whose marriage is splitting up. Children of divorce can sometimes be “forgotten” in terms of having their emotional pain acknowledged. This is because children do not always respond to situations predictably, and in many cases, adults will report that they are handling the circumstances remarkably well.

On the surface, they may appear to be extremely resilient, but the fact remains that a child’s emotional well-being is interwoven with the integrity of their parents’ marital wellbeing, and the break that happens between the mother and father in a divorce, happens within a child. They will feel broken in some way, and this has far-reaching effects, often more than those which are immediately apparent.

Children of divorce may experience depression, anxiety, addiction, anger, compulsions, and other damaging psychological effects, all of which may rise to the surface years after the event and not even be perceived as being related to the divorce. Agoura Christian Counseling provides support to help navigate these challenges and promote healing.

In some form, they will be more vulnerable to believing lies about their lovability, their ability to love others, and God’s love for them. This does not place judgment on divorced parents, but rather shines a light on the truth of what they’re going through, to help them in their healing process.

How to help children of divorce.

A practical way to improve the psychological impact of divorce on children is to manage how one acts toward and around one’s ex-spouse, provided that both parties are invested in being a part of the parenting journey. This interaction can dramatically influence a child’s perceptions of events and can create a sense of stability amidst the confusion. Some helpful principles include:

Show a united front.

Studies show that children of divorce who cope most effectively are from homes where parents make an intentional decision and effort to present a united front. This means that it is important for ex-spouses to see their role in meeting the needs of their children as separate from their own relationship, and they need to work hard to set differences aside to co-parent effectively.

Given that it is quite rare and perhaps impossible for a truly “amicable” divorce to ever occur, counseling with a trained therapist could assist in making this united front a reality, even if it is mostly exactly that – a front. Children are incredibly perceptive and are likely to notice animosity, although when they observe parents speaking calmly to one another and being united in their views on the child, they will be encouraged.

For example, saying to a child, “Your dad and I both agree that you have tried hard in your schoolwork this term” can inject them with a confidence boost and a sense of stability far beyond the simplicity of the statement.

Don’t delve into the past.

Children of divorce can be helped by parents who leave the past behind them and do not delve into issues pertaining to what led to the marital break-up. This is much more difficult for the spouse who has the majority of custody over the children, and who may be in an emotionally vulnerable space.

Once again, you must get the support you need to be able to grieve what has been lost, not only for your own wellbeing but so that you can faithfully carry out your responsibility as a parent. When co-parenting, ex-spouses should devise a new strategy that focuses on what needs to happen going forward.

This does not mean you must avoid bringing up memories related to their childhood, as one’s family history is an important part of building a sense of self and one’s place in the world, but viewing your post-divorce parenting chapter as paving a new way forward.

Avoid criticism at all costs.

There needs to be a fixed agreement that verbal attacks and negative attitudes about the other parent in the presence of the children aren’t allowed. Awareness that this is quite emotionally damaging to children who are already fragile as children of divorce, can be a motivator to refrain from dismissive remarks, regardless of how innocuous they are or how easily they slip off the tongue.

Christians are aware of the power of the tongue because (for example) James 3:5b-6 (NIV) warns us to “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”

It is also worth remembering that the tongue merely reflects what it is in the heart, and even though divorce will have caused terrible pain and distress, believers are called to forgive the other person completely, just as in Christ God has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32).

Keep discipline consistent.

Acting out and “bad behavior” is a common response by children of divorce. Children lack the emotional language necessary to articulate their pain, and so this is the only way they feel able to express themselves. This can also be linked to behaviors that were not previously tolerated but are now allowed as a result of a divided parenting front and emotionally distracted parents.

Parents acting out of guilt for what their child is going through can compensate with unhelpful allowances, which take away any remaining sense of security that the child has in their disciplinary boundaries. It is therefore helpful to discuss and agree on boundaries and methods of enforcing discipline so that there is as little deviation “in the rules” across households as possible.

Given that children who are coping with a divorce will have a propensity to test boundaries, highlighting this consistency as a key priority will go a long way toward promoting a sense of emotional security for the children.

Communicate changes to adults first.

Ex-spouses need to keep each other informed of any changes such as a move, new job, partner, or any other significant information. Making children of divorce the primary source of this sort of news puts them in the middle of an adult communication process and generates fear and tension.

Remember that a divorce can be the scariest thing a child can go through, and this can make them fearful in general, as everything they know as stable has been uprooted from under them. Being mindful of how and when new information is introduced can go a long way toward helping them with their anxiety.

While divorce is not part of God’s plan for families, the reality is that statistics show a startling one in two marriages end in divorce, and the numbers show little variation across Christian and non-Christian households. Children of divorce can suffer silently, with the emotional trauma playing out in various ways over the years.

Being able to help them by showing a united front in parenting, and making the decision to rule out name calling and blaming, can be instrumental in how they process and rationalize their pain.

Being able to internalize and externalize kind, objective communication with one’s ex-spouse requires much emotional strength and is probably best supported by counseling for all parties involved, at least until each family member has reached a place where there is a sense of stability and the “new normal” has been embraced. Agoura Christian Counseling can provide the guidance and support needed during this transition.

Ultimately, God can work through a painful divorce to reveal himself as a kind, loving father who cares about his children and their difficult situation, who sees what is happening, and who has a plan for good things for their life and future.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a complex neurological disease defined as “a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development.” (ADHD Institute) For ADHD symptoms in kids to be diagnosed, several symptoms which negatively impact social, academic, or occupational functioning must be present in two or more settings (ie. at home, school, with friends, etc.). Agoura Christian Counseling can provide support in creating a personalized plan for your child to thrive.

ADHD symptoms in kids

Inattentiveness – This could range from an inability to stay focused on a task for the required amount of time, to losing things, switching activities without completing the first one, and not being able to organize tasks properly or carry instructions out effectively.

Excessive physical movement – While not all children with ADHD present with hyperactivity, clear symptoms for some include an inability to sit still, together with fidgeting and constant movement.

Reckless behavior – Children that seem to engage in reckless behavior, without a reasonable awareness/concern of the risks involved, could be showing symptoms of ADHD.

Emotional outbursts – While all children struggle with tantrums and being able to express their feelings, ADHD symptoms in kids include these sorts of outbursts for children who should otherwise have mastered some level of self-regulation. These symptoms relate to low impulse control and do not appear normal compared to peers of the same age.

Constant stream of conversation – Many children are chatty, but kids with ADHD tend to speak without stopping. They can also be prone to interrupting others.

Daydreaming – When one thinks of children with ADHD, one often assumes hyperactivity and difficult, troublesome behavior. This is not always the case, and one of the ADHD symptoms in kids to look out for includes daydreaming. A child can seem lost in their own world, and find something of interest to play with en route to getting something else or following instructions.

It’s important to intervene if your child seems to be displaying some of the symptoms above so that an early diagnosis can be made. Left untreated, ADHD can affect a child’s self-esteem and development, as they will not fit in as easily as other children in the traditional classroom environment. This is not to say that they are not smart, but they will likely need a treatment plan that helps them harness their unique skills and helps them navigate life effectively.

ADHD symptoms in kids are treated in a variety of ways. Medication is by no means the only solution, although it may play a role. A mental health professional will eliminate other potential causes and then, once diagnosed, your doctor, a therapist, and your child’s school may work together to create a plan involving behavioral therapy, parent education, and school support.

While it may seem that ADHD is not something that requires Christian counseling, if a child is receiving behavioral therapy, it is always helpful to have them receive advice from someone who is speaking from a Christian worldview.

We have counselors trained in kids counseling, who will be able to help your child verbalize how they are struggling and come up with joint solutions to tackle situations where their ADHD symptoms negatively impact their ability to perform. Agoura Christian Counseling is here to provide the support your family needs.

If physical abuse or sexual abuse is present in a home, it’s hard to ignore. Children who show up to school with injuries and are extremely volatile tend to draw attention from teachers, friends, and pastors. Children suffering from this form of abuse are traumatized by these life-altering realities. If you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of abuse, seeking help from professionals, such as those at Agoura Christian Counseling, can provide the support needed for healing and recovery.

Homes like these are often unstable and part of a larger story connected to substance abuse, addiction, and psychological disorders. Since others from outside the home can usually tell something is going on, there is a higher chance of these forms of abuse being addressed because the horrors of these forms of abuse are hard to ignore.

However, there are other forms of abuse that are more subtle and less easily noticed. Two such forms are emotional abuse and neglect. These forms of abuse typically don’t get addressed and therefore the victims usually go untreated.

Many seemingly “perfect homes” are filled with unknown pain and suffering because of emotional abuse and neglect. Often these are the sins of Christian homes. Most Christians know that sexual and physical abuse is wrong and will avoid crossing such obvious lines, but that doesn’t mean their families embody the love of Christ.

Christians must be especially careful to not fall into patterns of emotional abuse and neglect. Just because your church family might not be able to hold you accountable for these behaviors, you will eventually answer for them.

What are Emotional Abuse and Neglect?

Emotional Abuse

The U.S. government defines emotional abuse toward children as, “Emotional abuse (or psychological abuse) is a pattern of behavior that impairs a child’s emotional development or sense of self-worth.” This means you don’t have to be physically hurting or sexually violating a child to be abusing them. Emotional abuse can be constant criticism of a child or a refusal to acknowledge their experience.

Common forms of emotional abuse are:

• Calling them names.
• Screaming at them.
• Blaming them for things that aren’t their fault.
• Insulting them.
• Constant criticism.
• Threatened violence.
• Allowing them to see violence toward others.

These forms of abuse may hit much closer to home. You may read this list and feel your heart begin to hurt because you know you’ve emotionally abused your child. If that’s true, don’t stop reading. The only way to move forward is to acknowledge what is going on and get help so you can restore the relationship with your child.

If you are finding yourself having a tough time reading this article, consider reaching out to a Christian counselor. Many of them specialize in family work and will be able to help your process and resolve whatever is taking place in your own heart, so you don’t have to take it out on your children.

Neglect

Neglect isn’t necessarily another form of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is typically intentional. So emotional neglect can be a form of emotional abuse if a parent is intentionally choosing to neglect a child, such as refusing to feed or properly cloth a child.

Common forms of neglect are:

• Physical neglect: not providing shelter, clothing, food, or water to a child.
• Medical neglect: not providing proper hygiene or medical care to a child.
• Educational neglect: not making sure a child is properly enrolled in school and attending classes.
• Emotional neglect: not caring for the child’s emotional needs and experiences.

But there are times when neglect is unintentional. For example, if a child comes home from school sad about their grade on a test and their parents shrug it off, it could be an example of unintentional emotional neglect.

By shrugging them off instead of asking them about how they are feeling and why, they miss an opportunity to help them grow emotionally. Again, this isn’t necessarily intentional, but it still is a moment of neglect.

How to spot emotional neglect and abuse in children

Since these forms of abuse are more subtle, they are often more difficult to identify. However, there are some symptoms and signs that a child may be suffering from either emotional abuse or neglect or sometimes both.

Typical signs of emotional abuse in children are:

• fear about a parent.
• telling friends and teachers that they hate a parent.
• low self-esteem.
• emotional immaturity in comparison to their peers.
• trouble with speech (stuttering, talking too fast or too loudly).
• sudden changes in performance or mood (doing poorly in school).

While most of these symptoms or behaviors can have multiple sources, a consistent pattern of behavior signals something is going on. If you are parents, teachers, or youth leaders observing a child, keep these behaviors in mind as you engage with a child. If you notice a pattern of behavior, consider talking with another parent, principal, or pastor about your concerns.

Neglect in some senses is easier to identify because the results are often reflected in the dress and physical appearance of the child. Although emotional neglect and lack of supervision can produce symptoms that are much more difficult to spot.

Typical signs of neglect in children are:

• Lack of attendance or enrollment in school.
• Insufficient clothing for the weather.
• Begs for or steals food or money.
• Lacks basic personal hygiene.
• Abuses alcohol or other substances.
• Lacks proper medical attention and care.
• Is left home alone unsupervised for hours.

These are signs that a child could be suffering from neglect in the home. Teachers, youth leaders, and parents should remain alert to these sorts of behaviors.

A Christian Response

Christians are commanded in the Bible to raise up their children in the way they should go. This does not consist of emotional abuse or neglect. Both experiences traumatize children and can contribute to sinful patterns in their life.

Christian homes must acknowledge that they are not immune to these sorts of behaviors. Taking students to church on Sunday does not equal good and loving parenting. Parents must consistently be searching their hearts and examining their behavior with their children.

Are you being present to them in their emotions? Are you giving them the encouragement they need? It’s easy to begin thinking that your words don’t leave a lasting impact or that they see and know you love them, but if you aren’t showing that to them, then they may suffer these very abuses.

Christians must also be alert to families and friends in their community who may be perpetuating this form of abuse. It’s easy to become very harsh and critical with children when you are trying to raise them in the way of righteousness. If you see yourself or others responding to children harshly, it is important to address these behaviors.

If you or someone you love is struggling with this sort of behavior toward a child, consider Christian counseling. Often, children trigger painful memories or push you to your limits. In these moments, if you have not pursued health and healing yourself, then you can respond in negative ways.

A Christian counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling, will be able to help you parse out your family dynamics. They will give you advice on how to respond to a troubled child and how you can create emotional margin for yourself.

Conclusion

It’s easy to miss emotional abuse or neglect in your home. If everything seems to be going alright, you might miss the more subtle forms of abuse that can occur in your family. Followers of Jesus must constantly root out these behaviors from themselves and become advocates for children in these situations.

God’s heart is as gentle as it is firm. Sometimes firmness feels like good parenting, but Christians need to remember God’s heart is gentle and merciful. He wants his children to feel and know his love personally, and that should be your goal for your own children.

We all know how resilient children are. Kids are often the ones who pull us back to what is good, beautiful, true, and holy about a moment or a situation. They’re often who adults credit as keeping up morale in the family or providing hope. Children possess an incredible capacity to view the world through fresh eyes. Their vibrancy, resilience, and joy are gifts from God. If you’re seeking support in nurturing these qualities in your family, Agoura Christian Counseling can help guide you through challenges and help foster a positive environment.

As adults, God has given us these precious children to steward. We are the ones who have been given the privilege of teaching them about God, themselves, and the world. Adults get to watch children as they unfold into the people God wants for them to be. We steward the development of children’s physical health and children’s mental health.

In the last several years, there’s been a positive shift towards the mental and emotional development of children. Kids were once viewed as less-than adults. While this mindset persists in some places, it’s changing. Adults are realizing, like Charlotte Mason said, “children are born persons.”

They’re born with the innate capacity to experience emotions. Children have opinions, thoughts, insight, and feelings just as adults have. We’re all learning to develop these- regardless of our age. Kids need us to help steward and teach them as they develop and grow.

Today we’re going to talk about supporting children’s mental health by building emotional awareness, vocabulary, and emotional regulation skills for children. Hopefully, these tips and information will help adults better steward and educate the kids in their lives.

God gave us a wide range of emotions and these can be overwhelming and confusing for kids (and adults!) to navigate. Providing them with some basic skills and knowledge will help set them up with success for what will be a lifelong journey of emotional awareness, processing, and discovery.

Helping Kids Identify Emotions

Kids feel big feelings. We’ve likely all watched a toddler throw a fit, a young child cry out of sheer joy, and a teen experience anger that seemed to come from nowhere. Adults can usually recall vividly intense emotions from childhood. This is all normal. Kids are more in-tune with their emotions. At the same time, they have fewer skills to identify and process these emotions.

It is up to us as adults to help kids learn to identify and name their feelings. The most common way to do this with very young children is to give a name to the child’s feelings. Little children wear their emotions on their sleeves.

An adult can say something like “You feel sad because your toy broke.” or “You feel angry because I won’t let you have a cookie.” At this age, there’s not a lot of nuance or the ability to hide feelings yet. When adults help to name the emotions, children begin to develop an emotional vocabulary. This also helps them learn what they feel as well as why they feel it.

When children get older, we might say, “I wonder if (or imagine) you’re feeling _____ over ______” We can then pose a couple of emotions for the circumstances and situation and let them see what they resonate with.

Or we can try saying “Your body language tells me you might be feeling _________, does this feel true to you?” This may even need to continue into the teen years on occasion as the teen brain sometimes can’t regulate and process emotions as well as the world expects them to.

Charts displaying different emotions, either cartoon drawings or photos, can also be helpful tools. Some families, schools, and churches choose to keep these readily available so the child can point to the emotion(s) that they are experiencing.

Adults who model emotional awareness have been shown to raise more emotionally aware kids. Expressing our feelings around children, as appropriate, is so beneficial. We can express our feelings about the current moment, share how we felt as a child of a similar age, or pose how we might feel in a certain situation.

We need to be mindful to communicate our feelings and hear children’s feelings gently and peacefully. Refraining from judgment is important here. A simple matter of fact statement such as “I understand you’re feeling _____” is enough. Adults far too often dismiss a child’s feelings or tell them they should feel a different way. This is not appropriate or necessary.

Giving children a strong emotional vocabulary is so important. Kids need to be able to give words to their emotions. When they’re tiny we can start with the most basic emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared. As they grow, we can begin to give more depth and nuance to these words- joyful, grief, anxious, furious, frustrated. There are over 400 emotion-related words in the English language, if we can equip our children with at least half of these, they’ll be in great shape!

Emotion Processing and Regulation Skills

Processing and regulating emotions go through the same stages for every emotion. Sometimes we do this consciously and other times it is entirely unconscious. We may even go through all of the stages in one fell swoop at the same moment – the human brain is amazing! These are the steps:

• The first step in processing an emotion is to sit with it to figure out what exactly one feels.
• Next, comes naming the emotion.
• Then, the time comes to share the emotion with someone else, if desired. This step should never be forced. If a child doesn’t want to share their feelings, please don’t force them to.
• Last, we begin the process of regulating the emotion.

Remember, these may all happen at once. For some emotions we may begin to regulate them at exactly the moment we feel them, such as screaming when frightened or smiling with joy. These are automatic responses God gave our bodies for regulating and processing emotions. The final step is more to do with processing and regulating the emotion long-term. It has to do with developing coping skills for the next time we feel this way. This also involves counseling, journaling, meditation, group therapy, and other ways to process and learn to regulate emotions.

Christian Counseling for Children’s Mental Health

God never intended for us to journey alone. Modern life has people more isolated and alone than God ever intended for us to be. The Bible tells us that God gives different gifts to different people to help build up the body and support God’s kingdom.

Christian counselors can travel the journey with us, and the children in our lives. God has given counselors skills, insight, and access to proper training. These are folks who have chosen to use the gifts and talent God’s given them to help steward and teach God’s people. This includes children!

Kids of all ages can benefit from time with a counselor. So can the parents and adults in their lives. Some children may benefit from a handful of sessions to gain skills or learn something new. Other children may benefit from many years, or lifelong, time with a counselor.

Each child is different. Every child has gone through different experiences and processes the world differently. One size does not fit all with counseling. What does reign true is that virtually all children can benefit from meeting with a counselor at some point in their life.

A Christian counselor can be especially helpful when working on emotional skills and language with children. They’ve been specifically trained in children’s mental health and know how to speak to kids about feelings. A counselor will be able to uniquely help children find words for their feelings, sit with them, process them, and deal with them in healthy ways. This is something most parents, teachers, and other adults are ill-equipped to do, despite their best intentions.

Some children are resistant to parental help or discussing their emotions with their parents. These children especially benefit from working with a counselor. They may be hesitant at first and may even become angry, hostile, or bitter towards a parent for requiring the work to be done. Yet parents, children, and counselors will see the benefits and the fruits of the labor later on.

There’s no right or wrong age, stage, or life experience to pursue counseling for kids. If a counselor feels a child doesn’t need support, they’ll communicate it with the parents. Life is becoming increasingly stressful and difficult for kids these days. Parents can use the extra support and reinforcement, a counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling  can support children’s mental health and emotional development.

Something that a lot of parents complain about today is that they have difficulty connecting with their family as a whole. While many cite busyness at school and work or technology as the biggest culprits, it is often the lack of an established family routine, such as a family meeting, that is missing. Agoura Christian Counseling can help families develop healthy routines to strengthen connections and foster better communication.

Thankfully, if one is willing to try, one can still establish a family meeting at home so that family members can discuss important family issues and understand one another better.

The Importance of Family Meetings

Similar to other organizational meetings, the family meeting is meant to be a helpful way to ensure that family members are aware of the current status of the family, the goals the family may be working towards, and the concerns members may have. It also serves as an avenue to encourage one another during difficulties or acknowledge the success of family (e.g. good grades, work promotion).

But just like other organizations, not everybody is enthusiastic about meeting together. Oftentimes, a family meeting is called because of big changes in the family status or because of negative actions by members. This is why many, particularly the teenagers or young adults in the family, would rather shy away from such a gathering, preferring instead to be “updated” via mobile phone.

Benefits of Meeting Together

Fortunately, the positives of a family meeting together usually outweigh the negatives. The following are some benefits of conducting a family meeting:

• The children, both young and old, get to observe how healthy discussions are conducted (e.g. waiting for one’s turn to speak, sharing ideas respectfully, or handling disagreements).
• The children feel that they are important as they participate in the family discussion.
• The parents get to understand their children more (especially the teens!) when family issues are discussed.
• All members are updated on the status of the family (e.g. finances, major health issues, possible changes in the family direction).
• All members have a chance to air their sides on key family issues.

Establishing the Family Meeting

Though it may seem awkward at the start to have to “officially” gather the family for a meeting, one must remember that such a meeting is important for the family as a whole.

Start off with something positive

If something new is being established, it always helps to make that first occasion a happy one so that family members view it in a positive light. For those with young children, it can first begin as a game night together where everybody just has fun together.

For those with a mixture of younger and older children, it might be an initial meeting about something good, such as plans for the holidays or something nice that will be added to the house.

Establish the meeting’s rules

In the second meeting, things can become a bit more serious with parents explaining the purpose of the family meetings and setting up a list of rules so that everybody is respected.

Some examples include: no gadgets during the family meeting, use of respectful language (no swear words), a time limit for the meeting so that children can stay focused, and the use of a “talking stick” (or other marker) so that members can respect one another and listen when someone is talking.

It is always a good idea to allow the children to participate in making the rules (even if not everything will be viable or logical) so that they too can feel they helped in establishing the meeting. This makes it easier to remind them later on when violations occur that they were part of the original process which is why they too need to follow.

Agree upon when and where

Another step that may be done in the second or even third meeting is to determine when and where to hold the family meetings. Some find it helpful to have them once a week or every other week; while others find it better if it is just once a month.

The frequency usually depends on the current stability of the family and if major decisions may be coming up soon. It is also good to establish the need for an “emergency meeting” for urgent matters. Defining these beforehand will allow the other members, especially the younger ones, to get used to the idea and not be unnecessarily rattled when the situation arises.

Although many believe that family meals are a very convenient time to hold them, oftentimes younger members are distracted by the food. It is usually best to hold a family meeting when everyone is well fed and still wide awake.

The morning time on the weekends, just after breakfast, is a good option as well as the early afternoon after lunch. For the weekdays, assuming that everyone is at home, this could be in the afternoon an hour or so prior to dinner.

The location and setup are also important. A family meeting in the living room where people are all comfortably seated usually works well. The dining table, with no food on it, is also another option. Such areas promote “neutrality” as compared to holding the meeting in someone’s bedroom. Furthermore, when meeting, ensure that everyone is sitting down to avoid feelings of superiority or negativity which often occurs when a family member is standing.

Other options

Though not always necessary, some families do assign a “secretary” to keep track of family discussions. This can be quite helpful if the parents have a series of agendas that they would like to bring up. The secretary, however, does not always have to be a parent. It may be one of the teens as this can serve as an example to the younger ones about accountability and trust.

The family may also have other options to make the family meeting a unique experience. Many families prepare something special after the meeting, such as a family movie or a special dessert, so that there is something to look forward to after – though this should never become more important than the meeting itself.

Conducting the Family Meeting

Although there is no one way of doing things, it is always recommended to begin and end on a positive note. What occurs in between depends on the family and the circumstances.

The following are some suggested steps:

1. Revisit the rules

A quick review of the dos and don’ts is always helpful, especially if kids are quite young or if the family meeting occurs once a month. This enables everyone to remember the necessity of taking turns and respect.

2. Share personal blessings

A good way to start off positively and to become updated on family members’ lives is for each member to share a blessing that has occurred to them since the last family meeting. For the kids, this can be about school, extracurricular activities, friendship, or even a great show they were able to watch on TV. For the parents, this can be about work, hobbies, or aspirations.

Such a practice allows family members to feel good about what has happened to them and to the family as a whole. It also makes them more aware of the blessings, big and small, that they have experienced, making them more aware of God’s blessings.

Not only is this is a good way for parents to monitor the growth of their children as they share the good things happening to them, but it is also a way for the kids to become more involved in the life of their parents, something that kids will usually not inquire about.

3. Intentionally make emotional deposits

A very important thing parents ought to do while the family is sharing is to make “emotional deposits.” This means reaffirming the good things in their lives so that the children feel their parents’ love and approval. This can be a high five, loving hug, pat on the back, or simple expressions like, “Great job!” or “I’m proud of you!”

These deposits are very crucial as they build up the children’s self-worth and trust in their parents. Having enough good deposits (affirmation, praise) then makes it easier for the child to accept withdrawals, such as corrections or punishments, when necessary. Without enough positive deposits, discipline becomes harder as the child will always feel that they are being singled out or that they are not truly loved.

4. Observations and/or Discussions

After sharing the individual blessings, the current, positive direction of the family can be discussed. This may be about goals mentioned in a previous meeting (e.g. updates on the family budget, preparations for the next vacation) or about growth in the family (e.g. better family habits, good grades).

However, when discussing the good changes in individual members, it is important to find something positive to say about ALL members so that no one feels left out or unimportant. Though this requires much thinking and preparation, it is necessary to ensure a strong bond within the family.

Once done, if there is something big looming on the horizon (e.g. budget cuts, change in job, health issues), this is the best time to bring it up and take suggestions or field questions that may arise. Because the family is in a happy mood, discussing big changes will be emotionally easier than when starting off on a sour note.

If no major decisions are at hand, then it may be time to discuss family changes that need to be made. This could be about household chores, individual spending, or just getting along with one another. Sometimes this can be discussed in a general manner, but other times certain individuals may have to be called out.

In such instances, the parent should balance the good and the bad. Remind the family member, usually a child, about their good points before tackling the bad.

For example, rather than rattling on about the necessity of finishing chores, it may help to say, “Son, while I am very happy about your dedication to the basketball team, you need to remember that finishing your chores is also important. Athletes know the value of discipline, and this means attending practices while finishing homework and chores.”

5. Be open, yet firm

Although most parents desire that their children will simply obey, this is rarely the case, especially for older children. Parents need to be ready for complaints or suggestions coming from the family.

To avoid looking like a dictator, it is good to be open to ideas from family members. Sometimes they may even see the problem in a different light, allowing for a better compromise.

But if the family member is truly in the wrong, it is necessary to be firm. Setting up clear family boundaries is necessary for healthy emotional growth. Here, it may be good to elicit support from other family members. Similar to how peer pressure works, the pressure within the family can also get an erring member to conform to what is right.

6. End on a positive note

Before dismissing everyone, it is important to end things on a positive note. A final, encouraging observation about the family, in general, goes a long way to ensuring that the family meeting is viewed positively. It can also be helpful to end in prayer, thanking God for the love and blessing of family.

Dealing with Major Conflict in the Family Meeting

Today’s society places an emphasis on voicing out one’s opinions. While this is generally good, it can also lead to major conflict as family members may have strongly opposing views or attitudes.

Using “I Feel” Statements

One way to deescalate the tension is to use “I feel” statements as these better promote understanding and empathy from others. For example, rather than saying, “You never listen when something important is being said;” one can instead say, “I feel sad that no one is listening when I say something important.”

In this way, the members being spoken to are not directly “attacked.” This may then allow them to absorb the statement more rather than taking a defensive position where they are more likely to reject suggestions or criticism outright.

Taking Control

As parents, it is important to always take control of the meeting, especially when there is conflict. One way is to use a time out if things become too heated. Allowing everyone to take a breather for 10 minutes or so can prevent harsh, meaningless words from being said. Hopefully, when emotions have calmed down, a resolution can be made.

But if the topic seems to be too difficult to resolve, it should be postponed to another time so that the current meeting can proceed. One needs to be sure, however, that something is done to address the postponed topic in the near future to prevent resentment from building.

Allow Others to be Heard

When things become heated, many parents resort to seizing all control of the meeting. Not only is this unfair, but it also teaches the children the wrong way to deal with conflict.

Parents should still allow other voices to be heard, even the young children, as there may be other ideas that can help solve the problem. The voices of others may also remind one another that family is more important than particular viewpoints, helping to defuse the emotional situation.

Seeking Christian Counseling for Family Issues

Regular family meetings are important since they strengthen the sense of belonging and teamwork within the family. Additionally, in this age of impersonal communication through technology, family meetings allow face-to-face interaction amongst members, keeping the family truly in touch.

However, not all parents feel confident about starting such meetings either because they never experienced such or because there is already a crisis in the family that prevents members from meeting as one. In such instances, it is beneficial to seek professional help from a Christian counselor.

If the situation is just about getting started, one appointment with a Christian counselor may be enough to gain the confidence and techniques needed to begin. But if the situation is already quite serious, Agoura Christian Counseling can help mend the broken bridges within the family through the use of the latest therapeutic techniques.

Most importantly, the faith-based counselor will seek to connect the family – be it the parents or the entire brood – to the love and mercy of God through a strong relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ. With much prayer, discussion, and meditation on Holy Scripture, the family will have a better understanding of our God and His intention for Christian families. This is a very crucial step towards harmonious family life.

If you or a friend needs help in establishing regular family meetings for better family functioning, seek help soon. With God’s divine wisdom and help, families can be transformed into what He meant them to be.