Why do people have affairs, indeed? This is an age-old question asked by many, particularly onlookers from the outside, who are shocked when a couple in the community announces their impending divorce, following a marital rupture. The cause: an extra-marital affair. These onlookers are often dumbfounded by the development, as in their view the two shared a “happy marriage.”

More often than not, individuals who go down the path of pursuing an affair do not wake up and say, “I’m going to destroy my marriage.” Rather, it is the result of an action that happens before they realize it consciously. Agoura Christian Counseling can provide support in understanding the underlying causes and guiding couples through the process of healing and rebuilding their relationship.

The subconscious, of course, has been driving the action, and unhindered by any moral intervention, will achieve its desire at any cost. Such is the strength and power of our fleshly desires, as described in God’s Word:

…but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. – James 1:14-15

Why Do People Have Affairs?

Every relationship is unique, and it is difficult to pin down an exact response to the question: why do people have affairs? Counselors who see couples who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair might put it down to one or a combination of the following reasons:

Affairs as an escape from the mundane.

Any couple having been married for a while will lose that initial spark that brought them together in the early days of dating and the “honeymoon period”. Everyday life, bills to pay, sleepless nights with babies, and other stresses, can cause a marriage to fall into a rut.

This boredom and mundanity can lead to the door being opened toward a novel and exciting experience, particularly when a colleague or community member shows interest in a spouse who quite enjoys the ego boost.

Forbidden fruit.

Marriage is God’s good plan for a man and woman to bring each other joy and companionship, and the means from which to build a solid foundation for a healthy family structure. If this is so good, then why do people have affairs? As sinners, we have a natural bend toward desiring that which does not please God.

While we long to be upright, moral citizens, the reality is that it is only God’s grace that makes us right before Him, and while we are on this side of heaven, we will be tempted to fall into sinful patterns. An extra-marital affair takes place when we buy into the lie that somehow, forbidden fruit is sweeter and more satisfying than what is allowed to us.

Loss of connection in the relationship.

While affairs still occur regardless of the strength of a couple’s marriage, the reality is that when either spouse experiences a deficit in their “love tank”, they will be more prone to seek fulfillment and affirmation outside their marriage. These relational deficits can occur due to poor communication, which is the lifeblood of a healthy couple; lack of affection; a lack of physical intimacy; or a loss of emotional connection.

An affair does not necessarily have to end in divorce. If the transgressing spouse is prepared to repent and leave the extra-marital relationship, and commit to working on their marriage, and the spouse on the receiving end is equally committed, an affair can in some instances bring a married couple back to a stronger space. This would likely be more possible by attending counseling sessions, such as those offered by Agoura Christian Counseling, and a devotion to prayer and receiving God’s help.

Finding a partner to share our lives with, someone to help us navigate life is one of the joys of being on this earth. Life can be hard when we go alone. When we are looking for this person to share our lives with, we hope that they are loving, supportive, compassionate, and respectful, among other qualities. These qualities make room for healthy relationships, marriages, and ultimately healthy families.

Though this is the ideal for relationships, and most people hope to have this kind of love, some people, unfortunately, end up with toxic partners. Toxic partners bring a lot of negativity to the relationship by being unsupportive, demeaning, disrespectful, and at times violent.

Instead of filling you up and being a source of encouragement, toxic relationships can leave you worse off, with your self-esteem shredded, and questioning your value or worth.

Granted, any relationship is hard. Many of us go through life without being taught how to relate to other people and in turn, we can hurt those we love unintentionally and vice-versa. However, a relationship becomes toxic when one or both partners are out to hurt the other person intentionally. Agoura Christian Counseling can help you navigate and heal from such harmful relationships.

Most of us might experience moments when our spouse is not the best, when they might disrespect us here or there. What determines that a relationship is toxic is the frequency of said negative behaviors. This way of living becomes the norm for the couple in this situation.

Behaviors of toxic couples.

All relationships face their challenges and couples find healthy ways of resolving conflicts. No marriage is without its troubles. However, certain patterns can be seen in couples that can be termed toxic and should be a cause for concern if not addressed in time.

One major reason why toxic behavior in marriages or relationships needs to be addressed is that in certain instances it intensifies to become abusive, violent, and life-threatening. Toxicity in relationships can be seen in how a couple relates to each other. Below are some red flags to look out for. If one or both partners behave in any of the following consistently, it might be time to seek help.

Lack of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to feel for another in times of distress. Toxic partners do not possess this ability. They cannot show compassion and in turn, live to hurt and harm. They are cruel in how they relate to their partner and others. These toxic partners lack the willingness to understand other points of view, which means they are always right.

Demeaning the other.

A person who belittles your viewpoints, beliefs, and contributions as silly or stupid is toxic. We all need a sense of being seen and understood, but when you have a partner who often puts you down, whether in private or in public, it can be hard to build a future together. These partners have a sense of superiority and are critical of what you do or say.

Use of anger as a weapon.

These are the bad-tempered partners who use anger as a form of control. These partners make the home unsafe because everyone, including the children, will be walking on eggshells around them. It is hard to know what will set them off, which means that the inhabitants of that home are constantly being vigilant and anxious. The angry party feels powerful when intimidating others.

Insecurity.

Insecure partners can be hard to please and they can also be dangerous. Due to their insecurity, they are in constant need of validation and approval, which most times seems not to be enough. If your partner is insecure, it can be incredibly draining to try and prop them up all the time. Their constant need for recognition and approval can lend you in their firing line if you disapprove of anything they do, they take it personally.

Always playing the victim.

There are situations in which you tell your partner how much they hurt you, and you find yourself at the end of that conversation comforting them instead. Partners like this will always find a way to make everything about them. They blame you for everything, even for treating you badly. They find a way of twisting the truth so that you end up taking care of their hurt and disappointment. This also ties into their inability to be empathetic.

Possessiveness and jealousy.

This trait is common in toxic partners. Due to a lot of reasons, these partners are in constant need of reassurance of fidelity. They do not trust easily. They become angry and sometimes abusive if they suspect that you are not being truthful with them. These partners can be dangerous as their inability to trust can lead them to be violent in situations where they suspect infidelity.

Not pulling their weight.

Another toxic trait is that of a passive partner. This is someone who does not take responsibility for the relationship or major life decisions. They leave everything to their partner. This lack of responsibility can leave the other partner feeling resentful and overwhelmed.

Unreliability.

The perks of being in a committed relationship are that you know that your partner has your back, and you know you can count on them to show up for you when you need them. However, when you have a partner that lies, does not keep their word, or simply dismisses their responsibility, it can make it hard to build a future together.

Effects on toxic couples.

• Mental health toll due to increased stress and anxiety.
• Low self-esteem as a result of demeaning and unsupportive relating.
• Isolation that comes as a result of being cut off from family and friends, and constant drama.
• You are not seen, heard, loved, or validated.
• Your physical health is put at risk as a result of the emotional toll and exhaustion you feel in the presence of a toxic partner (examples are: high blood pressure, ulcers, and a compromised immune system).
• Unsafe home environment for your children.
• Abuse, violence, and in some instances death.

How toxic couples can stop.

To say a couple is toxic is not to say that it cannot be saved or restored. Most people can find love and joy on the other side of toxicity, it is however important to note that for any relationship to be restored, both parties need to be willing to put in the work, accept their roles and make amends.

It is also important to note that as much as we want, we cannot change anyone, so if your partner is not willing to change or at least seek help, below are some ways you can protect yourself.

• If the relationship is toxic to the extent of being violent and abusive, please remove yourself and the children as soon as it is safe to do so and seek help.
• Create, communicate, and enforce boundaries in situations where you might need to protect yourself from your partner’s toxic behavior.
• Be assertive in communicating your discomfort, needs, and fears.
• Go for couples counseling to have a third party help you both break the cycle of toxicity. Even if your partner does not want to go, you can go alone to get help for coping and maintaining your mental health.

Next steps.

It can sometimes be hard for toxic couples to tell that they are in a toxic relationship. Most of us might look at the troubles and patterns and think that maybe it is the way marriage or relationship should be. Relationships are hard work, but if any of the characteristics discussed gave you pause, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me or one of the other counselors listed on our website.

We are here to help you and your partner evaluate your relationship and get tools to help you move forward. Contact our office today at Agoura Christian Counseling.

A narcissist and codependent relationship is an association between two dysfunctional people who have complementary emotional imbalances, who depend on each other to fulfill their needs, and who tend to reinforce each other’s unhealthy behaviors.

The codependent person needs to be needed and will go above and beyond for the people he or she loves. The narcissist is selfish and egotistical and expects everyone else to go above and beyond for him or her. The two are irresistibly attracted to one another and form a toxic union based on an inequality of power. The codependent partner is always on the giving end, and the narcissist one does all the taking.

Although narcissists and codependents may seem like polar opposites, they have several traits in common such as being driven by self-doubt, insecurity, and a fear of being seen for who they really are. Agoura Christian Counseling can help individuals understand and address these patterns, offering support to navigate and heal from these challenging dynamics.

Characteristics shared by both narcissists and codependents.

Dependency

Narcissists and codependents both struggle with their sense of identity. They have lost connection with their real selves, and depend on other people for validation and self-worth. The narcissist seeks to feel powerful, respected, and admired to boost his or her poor self-image, whereas the codependent needs to feel needed to feel significant.

Shame

Narcissists and codependents share a deep sense of shame and inferiority, which they try to cover up in different ways. The codependent by sacrificing his or her own needs to seek the approval and affection of others, and the narcissist by acting superior to everyone else to prove his or her worth.

Denial

Narcissists and codependents are both in denial of their feelings. Instead of being real, they project an image of how they want to be seen. Codependents cater to the needs of others, pretending they don’t have any of their own, while narcissists cover up their feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy by expressing anger, rage, or contempt.

Control

Narcissists and codependents both need to control others, but the codependent person does so more covertly. Whereas the narcissist will use manipulation to get a partner to provide the validation and praise she needs, the codependent will try to control loved ones by being empathetic and giving to demonstrate his value to them.

He may be willing to sacrifice everything to satisfy his needs, not out of true selflessness, but because he thinks it’s the only way he can keep them from leaving.

Lack of boundaries

Narcissists do not have boundaries and will ignore and/or overstep the boundaries of others. Codependents have hazy boundaries and tend to say yes when they want to say no because they think it’s their only choice. This makes it easy for the narcissist to take advantage of them.

Dysfunctional communication

Narcissists try to dominate all channels of communication. They won’t listen to their codependent partner because their only interest is to stay in control, and they don’t care what their partner thinks or how she feels. Codependents will allow themselves to be controlled rather than stand up for themselves because they fear upsetting their narcissistic partner and causing him to leave.

Fear of intimacy

Although the narcissist and codependent need and enable each other, they are afraid to connect on a deeper level. They both have a fear of intimacy. Neither of them sees the true self of the other because they are interacting with mental constructs each has created to reinforce his or her self-image.

What attracts the narcissist and codependent to each other?

The narcissist is self-centered, controlling, and feels entitled to have his wants met above everyone else’s. He is looking for someone who will boost his self-esteem and cater to his every need. The codependent is more than willing to fill this role. This makes for a natural attraction between the two.

At first, it seems like a match made in heaven. The codependent has found a partner she can pour herself into, and the narcissist has found someone who will always put him first.

What sours the relationship between narcissist and codependent?

Codependents have trouble acting independently or making decisions for themselves. They don’t like being alone and feel they must always be in a relationship. They are overly eager to please, over-dependent on others, and tend to gravitate towards controlling partners.

Their sense of self-worth comes through being able to meet the needs of others, and they are always looking for someone to take care of to boost their confidence. More often than not, they will mistake feeling needed for being loved.

Enter the self-centered narcissist who feels the world centers around him.

Narcissists have no sense of compassion or empathy towards others and feel no guilt or remorse about exploiting them. They feel entitled to place their feelings, wants, and/or needs above anyone else’s, and are drawn to the eager-to-please codependent.

At the beginning of the relationship, narcissists will emulate good behavior to create an image that will impress their potential partner, sweeping her off her feet, and making her feel a connection she has never felt before.

They will act attentive, charming, and caring, wooing her with seduction tactics such as gifts, compliments, and romantic overtures to manipulate and lure the unsuspecting codependent into their trap. The codependent feels special and is easily sucked in.

Once the narcissist knows the co-dependent is hooked, he drops the charm and gradually replaces the adoring behavior with disdain and criticism.

At first, the codependent partner thrives on being able to help the narcissist and cater to his needs, but this turns to disappointment when his kindness is not met with appreciation. She craves the love and attention the narcissist first showered on her at the beginning of the relationship, and works harder to try and please his narcissistic partner in an attempt to recreate it, but to no avail since it was never genuine to begin with. It was just a form of manipulation based on ulterior motives.

Narcissists only value their codependent partners as long as they are willing to sacrifice their wants and needs to please them. They feel entitled to the codependent’s love, sacrifice, and care, and will use tactics such as emotional abuse, insults, and gaslighting to devalue them and make them feel inadequate. They will also project traits they don’t like in themselves onto their codependent partner and shame them for those traits.

Since narcissists are out of touch with their feelings and their true selves, and codependents derive their sense of self from feeling needed in their relationship, they are unable to form a meaningful bond with one another. What starts out looking like a perfect match can morph into a toxic nightmare.

The codependent blames themself for the narcissistic partner’s discontent, and the relationship turns into a dysfunctional cycle of approval and rejection. The codependent tries to gain back the narcissist’s favor and the narcissist receives the attention he craves without having to do anything in return. Occasionally, the narcissist will string the codependent partner along with just enough contrived attention to keep hope alive.

Seeking the help of a trained mental health professional can help turn things around. If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at Agoura Christian Counseling in our online directory, please reach out and give us a call today.

Every marriage goes through troubled waters at some point. Sometimes the struggles a couple faces come from outside their relationship or control. One of the partners might get laid off from work, placing enormous financial pressure on the couple and their family. In other situations, the marriage may be rocked by infidelity by one or both spouses, which calls the foundation and future of the relationship into question.

Whether from external or internal issues, whether it’s illness, finances, growing apart emotionally, struggling to conceive, grieving a significant loss, criticism from outside parties, or any other reason, a marriage can go through trying times and cease to thrive. At such times, the best avenue for relief is to seek the Lord in prayer.

Whether these prayers are prayers for yourself, your friends, or prayers for your parents who are going through a tough time in their marriage, the Lord is an ever-present help and source of comfort. Agoura Christian Counseling can also offer spiritual guidance and support, helping individuals and families find peace and healing during challenging times.

Prayer can take many different forms. We get many different examples of prayer in the Bible. Our prayers can be poetic like the Psalms or jarring and raw like the cries in Lamentations and some of the Psalms; they can be lengthy like Solomon’s prayers over the Temple, or a short, straightforward, and simple, “Lord, save me!”

At its root, prayer is a cry from a creature to the Creator, an appeal to the Lord for intervention in our situation. Whether you are simply feeling overwhelmed, or perplexed and at your wit’s end, angry or saddened by how things are going, we are reminded “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7 NLT).

We come to God with faith that God is able, “through the mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20 NLT). We look to God trusting that in his wise timing and his way he will intervene on our behalf in our situation.

Prayers for marriage restoration.

Below are a few prayers you can pray either for yourself or for people whose marriage needs restoration. As we pointed out earlier, prayer can take many different forms. Sometimes, all we can muster is, “Lord, help me.” And that’s fine. Prayer isn’t about ceremony and long words. God knows what’s in our hearts, and simply opening ourselves for him to search us and minister to us is a huge step.

The prayers below come from several places on the internet. Most of them are sourced from Scripture, and they can function as a guide for your own prayers. Take what works and make it as personal as possible. You can pray these prayers by yourself, with your spouse, or in community with others.

Prayer for a marriage headed toward divorce.

“Heavenly Father, I come to you with a heavy heart. My marriage is in trouble. My spouse has filed for divorce and has fallen out of love with me. Your plan for marriages was for them to thrive, and not end in divorce. Please restore our marriage. Revive our marriage and make it flourish beyond what it was before.

“Bring us back together as a couple and do your work on each of us from the inside out. Give us the strength to find our way back to one another with an open heart, mind, and soul. Please God, bring restoration to my marriage. The vows we gave each other, let us yearn for them and each other once more. Have mercy and pour your abundant grace upon us, Lord.

“Lord, we have hurt each other in so many ways, but we have also hurt each other by refusing to forgive one another. Lord, I’ve tried my own way but realize I can’t do it on my own. My God, help us forgive each other and heal our hurts. We pray this in the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.”

Prayer over troubled finances.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I come before you to ask for your miraculous blessing and healing over our marriage. You are a remover of obstacles, and Lord we pray over our walk as husband and wife and in our walk with you, asking you to make us stronger and a better husband and wife.

“May the words from our mouths be full of encouragement and seek to build one another up. Remove any spirit of bitterness, blame, or criticism toward one another that may dwell within us. We ask for your hand of blessing over our financial situation, and we trust you for our provision. In the name of Jesus, we ask and pray, Amen.”

Prayer to draw closer to God and each other.

“Dear Lord, I believe you are working in my life and in my spouse to reconcile us back to you and each other. Lord, stir my spouse’s thoughts with the same good and loving thoughts that existed when our love for each other was still budding and strong. Let my heart and that of my spouse burn in love for you and each other, as at the beginning. Lord, rekindle our love for one another.

“Wherever my spouse needs understanding to be drawn to you, Father give them that understanding. May our love for you grow within us both, and Lord, please heal each one of our emotional wounds and cause our hearts to be drawn towards each other. Lord, we’ve tried and done what we can, and have come to the place now where we don’t know what to do.

“Lord, I ask you that if there is a way, please show us the way and what to do. I ask you to show us the next steps we need to take to restore our marriage. I ask you to deal with my heart, with any selfishness, apathy, or pride, or anything in me or in my spouse’s heart that is not pleasing to you. I ask you to reveal anything to us that we are not seeing for ourselves.

“I believe Lord that you are the Way, the Truth, and the Life. We’ve lost our way. We need your Way, your Truth, and your Life. We’ve lost our first love for each other. We need You. We need you to restore us; I ask you to restore us and to help us find the way back to each other and you again. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Prayer to rebuild trust.

“Heavenly Father, you are the one who created marriage and brought us together, and it is your will that we be reconciled together and that our love for each other grows, blossoms, and becomes stronger, no matter what has happened between us in the past. Give us hearts that are open to forgiveness; help us to live in a way that is pleasing to you and that fosters trust between my spouse and me. Lord, some things are hard to rebuild once broken.

“We trust that with you, even the things that are dead can be brought back to life. Lord, heal our marriage of its brokenness. Let this healing start with me. Lord, have mercy on our relationship and rebuild the trust and honesty that has eluded this marriage. In Jesus’ name, we pray, Amen.”

Prayer to remove bitterness, anger, and other negative emotions.

“Father, deliver me and my spouse from the lack of forgiveness, hatred, anger, and bitterness that is poisoning our hearts and minds and is undermining our relationship. Fill up every space in our hearts with your peace, love, joy so that we do not give way to negative emotions that would draw us apart. Lord, teach us to treat one another with dignity, love, and respect.

I ask for grace and emotional strength to avoid the use of anger and unforgiveness as a weapon to fight against my spouse. Help me to be slow to speak and slow to anger, but quick to listen to my spouse. I pray that we will no longer allow our emotions to work against us and drive a wedge between us, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Prayer for strength to work through differences.

“Lord, thank you for the good work that you have started and have always done in my marriage. I ask for the strength to stay courageous and strong in your promises as you work things out in our marriage. It’s tempting to give up, but I ask that you replace every negative feeling with love and help us to work through our differences.

I refuse to give up or yield quickly to alternatives such as divorce or separation. I will not be discouraged or lose heart even if it seems like nothing is happening and our efforts at restoring our relationship aren’t yielding fruit. Your word is greater and surer than any other power. So, I choose to trust in you and to keep working on my marriage and our differences. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

The Lord calls us to pray because it helps us recognize our limits as human beings and draws us in trust to come before God and submit ourselves to his will and purposes for our lives. These and other prayers allow us to let the Lord minister to and strengthen us. We pray, but we also act. Prayer is one way we can offer support for friends going through a tough time in their marriage.

Christian marriage counseling.

It is one way for us to address the problems in our marriages. Encouragement toward and support through couples counseling is another way to stand in the gap for a couple with a troubled marriage. If you’re looking for marriage restoration, pray, but also seek the help of a trained marriage therapist, at Agoura Christian Counseling, to give your relationship the support and opportunity for flourishing it needs.

It’s become a bit of a cliché to say that marriage is a beautiful thing, but it also takes hard work. However, cliches become cliches for a reason, and it’s warranted in this case. The union of two people for life is neither a simple thing to walk into nor is it easy to maintain that commitment in an environment of warmth and mutual affection without sound marriage advice.

Marriage Advice for Married Couples

It takes a lot of grace to remain married, and it’s not without merit that it’s been said that “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” Every marriage has its difficulties, and as you go through the various seasons of life, getting some marriage advice on how to not give up on each other might help you through a rough patch or help you savor the good times even more. Seeking guidance from a professional at Agoura Christian Counseling can provide you with valuable insights and tools to strengthen your marriage during both challenging and joyful times.

Grow together

People are never static. We are always growing, learning, and experiencing new things that make us change our minds or modify our opinions. The person you marry won’t remain the same, and neither will you. As we go through life – having kids or struggling with fertility, job loss, career growth, gaining or losing weight, moving house, going through grief and loss, enduring illness, experiencing trauma, encountering frustrations, and more – we do not remain the same person.

It can be shocking to discover that you’ve changed and that your beloved has changed too. Because change is an inevitability, the key thing is for you and your spouse to move through it together, to grow together as you encounter the variegated seasons of life.

To continue growing together, you must be aware that change and growth are par for the course, and put into practice marriage advice that will help you do just that. Some of those, such as continuing to talk, are outlined below.

Keep racing one another to the bottom

As a couple spends increasing amounts of time together, that familiarity can breed contempt. It’s not without reason that there’s such a thing as the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship. In the beginning, we may be more tolerant of certain things a person does, like how they do the dishes or how they manage their finances. We’re in love, so we let it slide and don’t make too much of a fuss about it.

However, over time our compassion and grace may begin to feel a little taxed, and so we may get impatient. There are a few Bible verses that provide marriage advice that is challenging in doing life generally, but especially when it is applied in the context of a marriage, a situation where you live and do life with the same person.

First, we are reminded to “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32); second, “Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4); third, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8; and lastly, “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” (Romans 12:10).

More specifically, Paul provides the following marriage advice in Ephesians 5:21 that we are to “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” then he goes on to advise wives to submit to their husbands as to Christ, and for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and was willing to die for her.

The long and short of it is that in the Christian life, and marriage, it’s not about getting what I want and looking out for my rights; rather, it’s about loving and serving one another and racing one another to the bottom.

Instead of loving one another for a season and then getting frustrated over the long haul, we are to love one another deeply, forgive one another’s faults, and continue to seek the good of the other. That can only work by the power of the Holy Spirit, because on our own our fervor flags and is erratic.

Keep talking

For a couple to grow together and to continue knowing how best to love and serve one another, they need to keep talking. Good communication is not only good marriage advice, but the lifeblood of a great marriage, and you need to create space to keep talking beyond the mundane talk of who’s doing what chores. To do that kind of talking, you need to remain curious about your spouse, and eager to learn more about them.

In addition to being curious, remaining vulnerable is also key to meaningful conversation. If you’re not willing to open yourself up (as well as receive what your spouse says), it’s likely your conversation will linger at a surface level. A posture of curiosity coupled with empathy and effective listening skills is a potent combination.

Life can inundate you with tasks that you need to do, and it’s easy to lose touch with your spouse. So, whether you set up a regular date night, or you cuddle together at bedtime and talk through the day, make room in your lives to simply talk and connect.

Set boundaries

Every healthy relationship requires to help avoid frustrations and relational dysfunctions such as codependency. Because you are a unique individual with your own set of needs, goals, concerns, and foibles, setting boundaries allows you to communicate to your spouse what you value and what your tolerances are.

If you want a bit of space when you get home from work, for instance, communicating a boundary helps your spouse know that you need time to unwind before engaging. When that need is met, you can be fully present. Similarly, if you value calm engagement in a conversation and you don’t like being shouted at, you can create a boundary that honors that.

Or you may feel that it’s important to be clear about how often your in-laws can visit, or whether either of you can have friends of the opposite gender. Boundaries create the terms of engagement and help you know how best to love one another and respect your individuality.

If you don’t know how to create healthy boundaries, you can get help from a licensed marriage and family therapist who can help you discern the areas in which you may need boundaries and how best to lovingly enforce them.

Have accountability

What happens between a husband and wife behind closed doors is their business. No one should strong-arm their way into what happens in a marriage. Having said that, it’s important to ask if you have a sounding board. Is there someone to whom you are accountable? A couple can struggle with an issue by themselves, and they may do so because they feel embarrassed.

Often, other couples have gone through or are going through the same things, and having a sounding board can help you recognize just how common certain marital issues and concerns are. Whether it’s an older couple whom you both respect, a spiritual leader, mutual friends, or a marriage therapist, you need to have someone to talk to who can keep you accountable. Seeking support from professionals at Agoura Christian Counseling can also provide a safe space for you to work through issues and gain valuable perspective from a trained therapist.

You don’t have to struggle alone, and in other situations, it’s helpful to have an outside perspective to help you remain true to your vows and commitment to one another. You don’t need to go into the gory details with your accountability partners, but it certainly helps to be honest about your struggles with someone who knows you, is sympathetic to your situation, and is rooting for your marriage.

Just having someone who will pray for you and your marriage makes a huge difference. There are many challenges that marriage will face, but they don’t have to be faced in the absence of community and support.

As Dave Willis has said, “Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.” By God’s grace, though it can be hard, the coming together of two imperfect people in an imperfect world through marriage is a beautiful thing.

Infidelity is a gut-wrenching experience to go through. It can take many forms, such as physical and emotional affairs. A physical affair will likely involve sex while an emotional affair can be conducted online or in-person but without sexual intercourse. An emotional affair is problematic because an inappropriate emotional attachment is formed with a person who is not your spouse, undermining your legitimate relationship.

Many people are caught entirely unawares by their spouse cheating, but others may suspect that something is going on because their spouse has been acting out of character. Infidelity does change a person’s behavior, and they may show signs that an extra-marital relationship is going on.

Signs may point to something, but if you don’t have a complete picture, those signs could easily point to other things. While your spouse may display all the signs listed below, that may not necessarily mean they are cheating, though it likely indicates there’s something wrong in the relationship.

The signs of cheating can look different in each relationship, so follow your gut because you know your spouse better than anyone else but proceed with caution. If you do find that they’re cheating, reach out to a trusted person or a counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling for empathetic support.

9 Signs of Possible Infidelity

Below are nine signs of a cheating spouse:

1. Secrecy

If your spouse starts exhibiting secretive behavior for no plausible reason, that may signal that they have something to hide like an affair. If they start putting passwords on their computer or phone that weren’t there before, and they refuse to share them, that’s a red flag.

If they begin leaving the room to take phone calls or reply to texts, or they never leave their phone in a room, begin deleting text messages, and clearing their browser history, all of those are possible signs. If you find that your cloud sharing has suddenly been turned off, and they no longer use shared family devices, this secrecy may add up to something they don’t want others to see, and an affair is one possibility.

2. Increased hostility

If your spouse is acting differently toward you by being short or hostile toward you, that too may be a sign that something is happening. When someone has an affair, they direct their emotional energy toward the affair. As we have finite amounts of emotional energy, that means the marriage is being short-changed, and that sometimes manifests in them losing their temper more.

Additionally, when someone is having an affair, they may begin shifting blame onto you to justify their behavior. They’ll become more critical of you because in their minds they are trying to justify what they’re doing – if there’s something wrong with you, the thinking goes, then they aren’t in the wrong for looking outside the marriage.

3. Decreased intimacy

Due to the emotional energy they are putting into the other relationship, they have less energy to pour into your relationship and emotional connection. They may become less vulnerable and available to you and your needs, and this may indicate a shift of focus. If you find that you’re losing communication with your spouse, whether it’s a failure to respond, listen to you, or even fight with you, that may point to infidelity.

4. Unexplained financial transactions 

Between gifts, hotel rooms, gas spent on extra trips, and other out-of-the-ordinary expenses, infidelity is expensive. If you also find that you’re fighting more about money, or if you find charges on your credit cards or withdrawals from your savings, and your spouse can’t explain or justify them, that may spell trouble.

5. Anxious friends

When infidelity happens, usually you may be the last person to find out about it. Your spouse’s friends may know what is going on, and when you talk with them, they may be anxious around you for no obvious reason, or they may avoid you altogether.

6. Unexplained absences

If your spouse begins to be absent without a reasonable explanation, that too may point to something being wrong. This may include being unreachable via phone without legitimate or plausible reasons, suddenly having an altered schedule such as spending extra time at the gym, working late, or having meetings and business trips when they never had those before, or their work doesn’t seem to call for it.

They may start arriving late or blowing off commitments altogether. They may start a new hobby that takes them away for hours on end, but if you ask them about it and show interest in it, they may be vague about things or seek to dissuade your interest in what they’re doing. The reason for this is that just as much as infidelity costs money, it also takes time. When probed, they may have flimsy excuses or no reasonable explanation for being absent more than usual.

7. Changed appearance

As human beings, we all have the ability and the desire to change and improve ourselves. We take up new interests or may decide to get healthy and in shape. All of these are legitimate and don’t point to infidelity as the cause. Depending on your spouse, the sudden interest in looking good may be an unexpected occurrence that is questionable.

If they take a sudden interest in their appearance and looking attractive (by getting a haircut, new clothes, and fragrances, or working out), and they begin putting in extra effort when going to certain social events or work, but they don’t seem as bothered about the effort around you, that may deserve further scrutiny.

8. Changes in sex life

An affair can cause changes in your sex life, and more, less, or different sex may indicate something is afoot. You may begin having less sex with your spouse because they are having that need met outside the marriage. On the other hand, you may also begin having markedly more sex because they are trying to cover up their affair.

Your sex life may also become different, with your spouse becoming adventurous and wanting to try new things in bed because they may be learning new tricks in the course of the affair. If you find you have a sexually transmitted infection and you haven’t been unfaithful, that too may point to your spouse cheating on you.

9. Lies, deflection, avoidance, and blameshifting 
If you mention the topic of infidelity, and you find your spouse getting angry, doing whatever they can to change the subject, shifting blame onto you and accusing you of cheating, or avoiding the subject altogether, something may be going on with them. Guilt is a powerful thing, and people will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid admitting to their actions when confronted.

When all is said and done, there is no definitive way to know if your spouse is cheating by the signs. The signs of infidelity are often subtle, and they will vary in each relationship and individual. Your spouse may be showing all the above signs, but there may be an explanation other than an affair.

Alternatively, they may not show any of these signs but be having an affair. If your gut is warning you that something is happening, that’s something you shouldn’t ignore, and an honest conversation with your spouse may be in order. If the signs, lies, and stories stop adding up, that may indicate that something is up, and you need to begin asking.

If your spouse is having an affair, don’t walk this journey alone. Find a trusted friend, pastor, or a trained and certified therapist at Agoura Christian Counseling with whom to share your concerns. Should you choose, seek relationship therapy together with your spouse or alone before you decide to end your relationship.

You might think the concept of boundaries in marriage seems like a funny one. After all, you’re married, right? Two becoming one, leaving and cleaving – being married shouldn’t involve boundaries, should it? What many people get confused about is the difference between the healthy interdependence of a thriving marriage and the codependency of a marriage without boundaries.

What Are Boundaries?

A boundary, by definition, is a way of creating a distinction between two things that could otherwise merge. A fence is a physical boundary that shows where a property line is, or how far the dog is allowed to roam before going no further. State lines, though invisible, are the boundaries that limit jurisdiction to a certain geographical area.

Similarly, boundaries help you to know where you end, and the other person begins. They help to create ownership over what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility. That is why boundaries in marriage remain an important concept to grasp. If you’re struggling to understand or set boundaries, seeking help from a counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling can provide valuable insights and tools to establish healthier relationships.

To truly give yourself to another person you must know what is yours to give. Without first knowing where your boundaries are, it’s difficult to enter a healthy relationship with any individual, whether it’s a marriage, friendship, or family relationship.

Leave and Cleave?

You might be thinking at this point that the idea of boundaries in marriage doesn’t make sense if you’re familiar with the verse, “therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Gen 2:24). If a marriage is about “one-ness” then what room does it hold for boundaries? This verse itself is a clue to how boundaries are supposed to work in a healthy marriage.

Boundaries in Marriage Protect from Intrusion

Once a couple is married, it is up to them to prioritize that relationship. Depending on relationships with families of origin, this could mean some conflict emerges when there are competing values, patterns, or ideas about how things should be done. It’s common to have this be a point of conflict in your marriage, which is why it’s important to discuss boundaries both before and during the marriage.

If one or the other of you has not separated their primary responsibility from their family of origin and shifted it toward their spouse, then it starts to place your spouse in competition with your family. This can start to create triangulation and resentment. It’s not that boundaries around your marriage relationship preclude close relationships with your family, simply that it is a means of ordering who you are most bound to, and whose needs will come first.

Another area where boundaries in marriage protect against intrusion is in having agreed boundaries around your spouse’s interactions with other men and women. This doesn’t mean that you mistrust your spouse, but instead it can simply be a means of respecting that you are prioritizing them, and because of this you’re operating within certain parameters. These can be highly individual, and again, are not a means of control but of creating safety and respect for the marriage.

Similarly, boundaries around things such as pornography usage can be a protection for the marriage. It is reasonable for a spouse to expect that their partner will remain faithful to them, and the boundary that is violated by pornography can be every bit as damaging as the betrayal of an affair.

Boundaries in Marriage Create Interdependence, not Co-Dependence

It can be confusing to delineate the difference between the proper interdependence of marriage, and being codependent with our spouse. The Apostle Paul provides some helpful insight when he says:

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ…For each will have to bear his own load. – Galatians 6:1-3,5

In the same paragraph, we learn that we are to help and care for our brothers and sisters in Christ, and if our spouse

is a believer then this admonition applies to them. We are to invest in and look out for our spouse’s emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. However, Paul ends the admonition by telling us that “each will have to bear his own load.”

What does it mean to “bear our own load” in a marriage? Let’s take the example of a spouse who’s going through some sort of mental health crisis, or dealing with a major life change. Obviously, if you are married to someone who is suffering, you’re going to be impacted, but it will be important that you have enough of a boundary that you don’t become completely absorbed in your partner’s struggle.

You can encourage your spouse to get counseling, ask them to schedule a doctor’s appointment, help encourage them while they’re searching for a new job, etc., but you will not be able to fix them or change them if they are not willing to take responsibility for themselves. No matter how much you care, you cannot do the emotional work or remove difficulty from another person’s life.

It can be painful to witness a spouse’s struggle, and you may be intimately involved in it, but you also must retain your sense of personhood outside of your marriage. If you mesh and become completely codependent with your spouse, it will be almost impossible to function if they are struggling. The best thing that you can do in these situations is to remain firmly grounded in the values and truth of who you are as a child of God.

In Oswald Chamber’s devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, he says, “One of the hardest lessons to learn comes from our stubborn refusal to refrain from interfering in other people’s lives. It takes a long time to realize the danger of being an amateur providence, that is, interfering with God’s plan for others.

You see someone suffering and say, “He will not suffer, and I will make sure that he doesn’t.” You put your hand right in front of God’s permissive will to stop it, and then God says, “What is that to you?” (Nov 15th)

Since you cannot know what a person might learn from their difficulties or struggles, it’s wise to refrain from playing God and protecting your spouse from the consequences of their actions. A healthy relationship involves two partners that both take ownership of their actions.

While letting boundaries slide and acquiescing to your spouse in a way that is not in line with your integrity might make for less conflict, it does not ultimately lead to more health in the relationship and can prevent necessary growth.

Where Do I Even Start?

If you’re struggling to know what boundaries in your marriage could look like, a counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling can be a helpful resource. Couples counseling can be helpful, but individual counseling can also be impactful.

One spouse becoming healthier will shift the dynamic of the relationship, and while this might feel disruptive at first, it can be the impetus for necessary change. If you feel that you could benefit from experienced help with your marriage, our counselors would love to help you gain the tools to establish healthy boundaries.

Imagine that you have a friend over for dinner. When they’re taking their plate to the kitchen after the meal is finished, they drop it and of course, it shatters, sending shards of glass in every direction. They apologize profusely and help you clean it up. You assure them it’s fine; accidents happen – no harm done.

The next time your friend comes over, they break another dish. They apologize again. You feel some frustration but, assuring them it’s okay, and you clean up the mess. The next day, your friend comes over and breaks another dish. This time, you openly show your frustration and ask if they’re doing it on purpose. They acknowledge that they did it on purpose and apologize. After they leave your house that day, do you invite them over again?

Broken trust, like broken dishes, shatters something that seemed secure. There’s the pain of someone hurting you, and there’s potential for more future pain. Sometimes, trust issues extend beyond a particular relationship, and start affecting all your relationships, or preventing you from forming new bonds with others.

In the broken dishes analogy, having “trust issues” might look like this: as other guests come into your home now and then, you fear that they might not be trustworthy, either. Vulnerability starts to seem dangerous, but you still want to connect with your family, friends, and spouse.

What Do We Mean by “Trust Issues”?

What exactly is meant by “trust issues,” and what does the Bible say about relationships, honesty, and trust? Usually, when we talk about trust issues, we’re referring to a romantic relationship/marriage in which one partner has lied or betrayed their partner’s trust in some way, often related to infidelity. Or we’re talking about a person who has general trust issues, who struggles to let their guard down in relationships because they’ve been hurt in the past.

Trust issues can extend beyond romantic relationships to every interaction we have with others, but often people especially struggle in two ways:

1. They struggle to let new people into their life.
2. They struggle to be their authentic self with those they already know, even people they’ve known for a long time.

People can be labeled as having trust issues as a negative characteristic or in a derogatory sense, but keep in mind that it’s actually wise to vet the people you allow into your life and to choose your friends carefully (Proverbs 13:20). Not everyone is a trustworthy person, some people have ulterior motives, and it’s not possible to be close friends with all your acquaintances.

Trust issues become a problem when they extend beyond a wise and reasonable limit on vulnerability, and you’re the best person to determine whether you would like help to be less guarded. Agoura Christian Counseling can help you unpack what’s behind any difficulties you’re having with trust, including a fear of intimacy, fear of self-disclosure, or other factors.

Difficulty trusting other people often stems from childhood neglect, abuse, abandonment, or wounds from past relationships, or traumatic experiences. Trust issues usually stem from trust being broken many times, not just once – although they could come from one major breach of trust.

In counseling, you can work on resolving issues from the past and processing any trauma you’ve experienced. You can work through these things at your own pace and with the guidance of your counselor, challenging yourself when you’re ready, and getting support to navigate your relationships.

What is Trust?

Since we’re using the word so often, let’s define what trust means. According to the dictionary, trust is a “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.”

You might remember that the Bible continually tells us to trust in the Lord, like in Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” After all, God is the ultimate source of truth, ability, and strength. We can rely on him when we can’t rely on anyone else.

As his children, we are called to be imitators of him (Ephesians 5:1). Since God is the only perfectly trustworthy friend, believers should emulate his character as we grow to be more like him. That means we should strive to be people of integrity, on whom others can depend, committed to honesty and honoring our vows and commitments.

However, we can’t control the actions and choices of other people, and this is where the pain of betrayal can catch us off guard. If someone in your past, whether a parent, partner, or someone else, has betrayed you in some major way, it can be exceedingly difficult (though not impossible) to learn to trust other people again.

Christian counseling can help you discern when it’s wise to offer your trust and vulnerability in a relationship, how to fix a relationship with trust issues from past betrayal, how to discern whether a person is genuinely repentant, whether the change will last, etc.

Do I Have Trust Issues?

It can be hard to tell if your concerns in a specific relationship are justified if you struggle to trust people. And even if you do have a fear of intimacy or trouble with vulnerability, that doesn’t mean your concerns are unfounded, either! Untangling fear, vulnerability, and distrust can take a lot of thought, time, and effort.

Good Therapy offers this list to help discern if you have trust issues that can affect your life as a systemic issue:

• Lack of intimacy or friendships
• Mistrust that interferes with a relationship
• Dramatic and stormy relationships
• Suspicion or anxiety about friends and family
• Terror during physical intimacy
• Belief that others are deceptive or malevolent without evidence

Overcoming the protective mechanism of not trusting others can be terrifying and having a counselor to walk you through the process can help you overcome your fears step-by-step, as well as making sure you are physically safe and addressing any trauma that may be present.

Counseling for Trust Issues

It’s completely valid to struggle with trusting others based on past experiences, but it takes away from the quality of your life and relationships or potential relationships. If you struggle to trust people, don’t lose hope! You’re not doomed to feel like this forever, and change is possible.

You can grow and learn to evaluate each person on their own terms. You can get used to operating in wise, self-protective patterns, not just reactions to past triggers or fear of abandonment.

If you are in a relationship or marriage with a fundamentally trustworthy person, but you’re unable to let your guard down and be yourself, individual counseling can help you process your experiences and heal your relationship. Couples counseling can help couples overcome trust issues in one or both partners, whether a couple is trying to fix a marriage after an affair, or whether one spouse struggles because of childhood trauma, or other concerns.

Healthline outlines the following signs of trust in a romantic relationship:

• You feel committed to the relationship and to your partner.
• You feel safe with your partner and know they’ll respect physical and emotional boundaries.
• You know your partner listens when you communicate your needs and feelings.
• You don’t feel the need to hide things from your partner.
• You and your partner respect each other.
• You can be vulnerable together.
• You support each other.

If you’re missing some of these signs, it might be because your partner has betrayed you. Maybe they’re not trustworthy, which needs to be addressed. Or some of those signs might be absent because you’re simply struggling to trust them, even though there are no significant issues.

To go back to our broken dishes example, you would be right not to trust your friend in that situation. No matter what their words were, their actions were the same every time you let them into your house (which requires vulnerability and trust), and they betrayed your trust by their actions. Their words and apologies did not match the repetition of a hurtful action.

So, if you didn’t invite your friend over again, you’d be making a reasonable and logical choice not to trust them. But what if your friend apologized and you decided to give them another chance and they never broke a dish again? The restored trust would be reasonable in that instance.

Trust goes both ways: how we relate to others, and how they relate to us. Our decision to trust comes from within, and it is dependent on each relationship we’re in. You can address and work on the unhealthy fears that may hold you back from intimacy, but you can’t make other people trustworthy, and it’s wise to guard your heart against people who may want to harm you (Proverbs 4:23.)

Please contact Agoura Christian Counseling  today  to set up your risk-free initial session for individual or couples counseling. Trust issues don’t have to keep you from enjoying lasting and meaningful relationships in every area of your life.

In the 1944 movie Gaslight, based on a play written a few years earlier, the female lead character, newly married Paula, moves to her family home with her husband after the death of her wealthy aunt. When she starts to notice strange things happen, like a brooch going missing and the gas lights dimming, she expresses concern to her husband who assures her that she must be mistaken and have remembered incorrectly. As time goes by, with repeated such incidents, Paula begins to doubt her sanity and is driven to the point of mental breakdown. Such is the pattern of gaslighting in relationships, a sinister form of emotional abuse that is as common today as it was in the ’40s and, indeed, since the serpent caused Eve to doubt whether God indeed speaks the truth.

8 Reasons Gaslighting in Relationships is Hard to Stop

If you find yourself in a situation where gaslighting is affecting your well-being, seeking guidance from a counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling can provide support and help you navigate this challenging experience. Like many types of emotional manipulation, gaslighting in relationships is difficult to stop in its tracks, for several reasons. These include:

1. The process of gaslighting is slow and subtle.

It seems strange and unbelievable that a person can become unsure that what they have seen or heard may not have happened; but gaslighting in relationships occurs gradually over time, with the manipulator honing their skills to a fine art. Someone who has been given over to the sin of emotionally abusing another person becomes very adept at playing their game.

Much of the time they are charming and romantic (when looking at a marriage relationship – the most common occurrence for gaslighting) and use premeditated techniques to wear a person down and put thoughts in their head. It is certainly not an overnight process, and the accusations can range from mild and harmless to unspeakably severe.

2. The victim becomes convinced it’s their fault.

As is the case with all abusive situations, the victim becomes certain that they are to blame. It is a way to rationalize what is otherwise impossible to understand, and a way of excusing what is happening, both to themselves and others. Gaslighting in relationships will delude the victim to the point that all the shame of the situation falls directly on their shoulders, and they become caught up in their own mental drama.

They become completely absorbed in their deficiencies and focus all their efforts on trying to be a better partner. While these efforts may yield positive results for a time, they also play directly into the gaslighter’s control idol, who can manipulate everything according to their own will.

3. Gaslighting isolates victims from a support network.

A gaslighter will ensure that their victim is gradually cut off from their support network. This can be through a physical move to a remote location, or through further manipulation, where the person is made to believe that their close friends and family are of the same negative opinion about them or cannot be trusted.

In this state of isolation, the manipulator is free to inflict their abusive behavior with little concern that they will be outed. They successfully cut off ties with anyone who might recognize the problem and who might have offered proper support and help for the victim.

4. The gaslighter turns others against the victim.

In line with the point above, gaslighting in relationships continues unhindered because of the abuser’s successful techniques in blatantly lying about their partner. They could use “inside information” to give the impression that the victim has been gossiping about the friend in question or could use the situation to convince them that the victim is mentally unstable or depressed. They create a very believable alternative reality, leaving the abused completely at the mercy of the dominant partner’s narrative.

5. The victim defends their abuser.

Whether they get to the point where they believe their own lies, or whether they fabricate the situation to avoid shame, a person who is on the receiving end of gaslighting in relationships will agree with their abuser’s perspective and defend them in public.

This is a typical abuse pattern and makes it difficult for friends or family to get involved as the victim will generally not come forward and be honest about what is happening behind closed doors. They in turn become very skilled at “normalizing” their partner’s behavior and take offense when the abuser’s actions are questioned.

6. The gaslighter can be unaware of what they are doing.

While we have painted a picture of a delinquent character inflicting heinous abuse on someone they claim to have loved, the “abuser” is completely trapped in their sinful nature and sinful behavior and may be completely unaware of what they are doing. Gaslighting in relationships is often a generational sin, passed down from parents and patterns of dysfunctional behavior, and so it “comes naturally.”

Thus, when confronted, they deny guilt. Their lack of emotional intelligence renders them unable to discern why they are behaving in a way that undermines and destroys another person’s confidence and very sense of self. They need to be brought to their knees before they can start an in-depth journey of reflection and repentance.

7. The victim lacks the confidence to escape.

A person who has been on the receiving end of gaslighting in relationships will have every inch of their self-confidence and sense of self eroded. Along with believing that they are defective and not a good partner, any inner strength will have been destroyed, and they will lack the confidence to escape. Even if they get to the point where they recognize that there is a significant issue, they will often lack the ability to get out of the situation.

In the case of marriage, financial considerations, and support for one’s family make many abused women (the typical scenario, although it may happen the other way around) refuse to even entertain the idea of trying to get away from their abuser until it gets to a point of desperation when they feel that their lives are under threat.

8. The pattern is difficult to stop.

Gaslighting in relationships is difficult to end because of all the reasons mentioned above. The victim becomes entangled in a psychological battle for her sanity, where she mistrusts her perceptions and eventually relies on her abuser to entirely define reality for her. The abuser is addicted to his nefarious behavior and is equally entangled in this sin. While it is a tricky situation to define, to be in, and to end, in Christ there is hope for the pattern to be broken.

God did not intend for us to abandon all reason and rely on another person’s judgment; He wants us to live in truth. He has also made us to be in community with others so that these situations do not escalate. If you suspect that you may be in a gaslighting relationship, take the bold step of seeking out counseling.

2 Timothy 1:7 says “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline”; and this is true even for the abusive relationship. Do not isolate yourself from Christian friends but make every effort to share your life with those close to you. Keep a journal and write down incidents that occur at home to have concrete evidence as well as an honest account of what has happened.

Gaslighting in relationships is by no means limited to a marriage, but also occurs between abusive parents and children, and often in toxic church cultures where the pastor or a person in leadership abuses their position of power.

Christian Counseling for Relationships Issues

While it is extremely detrimental and those who have fallen prey to the abuse will walk a long road to recovery, be encouraged that there is a way out – and that starts with the small step of acknowledging the problem and praying about who you need to share it with. Feel free to browse our online counselor directory to find the best counselor to meet your needs, and contact Agoura Christian Counseling today to begin the path to healing.

Parenting a child with unique health challenges is something that parents of typically developing children rarely consider. Yet, when you’re the parent of a child with special needs, their needs can take over your whole life and change everything. The responsibility can feel like the hardest task you’ve ever faced. After all, you love your child fiercely, and they are completely dependent on you to be their caregiver, advocate, and provider.

Each child with special needs faces unique challenges. There is no “one size fits all” for special needs. The wide variety of potential issues, as well as the rarity of each one, can make special needs parenting an intensely isolating experience – there are so few people who can truly relate to your experience.

With the advent of the Internet, online communities have formed for support for special needs parenting. Yet it isn’t enough to be able to discuss your experience in Facebook groups; online friends are hugely helpful, but you need an entire support system to help you, including real-life friends who can provide support and a listening ear.

Unfortunately, not everyone has the kind of robust support system that enables them to thrive in demanding situations.

Whether or not you have access to understanding friends, supportive family, and financial support, you are worthy of care and help. Don’t ignore your own needs, even though those of your child are so pressing. No matter what kind of challenge you and your child are facing, you have people who care about you.

If you haven’t considered Agoura Christian Counseling for special needs parenting, think about whether it might be a good fit for you. You can start by browsing our online counselor directory [link] and read on to find out more about support for special needs parenting.

Types of Special Needs

What do we mean by the term “special needs”? According to VeryWell Family:

“Special needs is an umbrella term for a wide array of diagnoses, from those that resolve quickly to those that will be a challenge for life and those that are relatively mild to those that are profound. It covers developmental delays, medical conditions, psychiatric conditions, and congenital conditions that require accommodations so children can reach their potentials.”

So, the term “special needs” can refer to any number of conditions. VeryWell Family breaks the term down into the following categories:

• Medical issues (cancer, heart defects, cerebral palsy, etc.)
• Behavior issues (ADHD, Tourette’s syndrome, etc.)
• Developmental issues (autism, Down syndrome, etc.)
• Learning issues (dyslexia, auditory processing disorder, etc.)
• Mental health issues (anxiety, attachment difficulties, etc.)

Sometimes the phrase “special needs” can have a stigma attached to it, and people assume that they know what it means. But no matter what your child is dealing with, the bottom line is that they’re facing challenges that a healthy or neurotypical child doesn’t.

We must also recognize that words matter, and there is an etiquette surrounding labels and terminology about health challenges. CerebralPalsy.org emphasizes that we should avoid using any term as an identifier – in other words, it’s preferable to say, “children with special needs,” rather than, “special needs children.”

For those who have typically developing children, it may be tempting to gloss over the difficulties faced by parents of children with challenges and struggles, because we don’t know how to respond. Some people are truly insensitive and uncaring, but many of us want to be helpful and supportive, yet don’t know what to say.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind if you’re interacting with the parent of a child with special needs (HuffPost):

• Avoid any insensitive questions, like asking if the condition is genetic.
• Don’t try to relate if you can’t really relate.
• Don’t offer platitudes, even if they’re Scripture-related.
• Don’t offer unsolicited advice.
• Validate how hard they work.
• If possible, comment on something unrelated to the disability.
• Ask how they’re doing.

At the end of the day, children who have special needs, and the parents who care for them, are people just like the rest of us. Try to put yourself in their position before making any comments or asking questions. And always consider the context; sometimes a smile in passing is enough to make someone feel supported and that they’re not viewed as an intrusion by those around them.

Challenges of Special Needs Parenting

There are many types of struggles involved with special needs parenting. Many parents become full-time caregivers and advocates for their children. Most likely, they spend a great deal of time talking to billing departments and insurance companies, going to doctor’s and/or therapy appointments, and supplying hands-on care. They are at higher risk than the average parent for burnout, anxiety, depression, grief, and exhaustion.

Full-time caregiving is an incredibly intense, hands-on, emotionally depleting role. Some parents are working the equivalent of two full-time jobs while caring for their children with special needs. One study found that moms of teens or adults with autism had stress levels similar to those of combat soldiers (Boston University).

Also, according to Boston University, sources of stress range in special needs parents range from anxiety about their child’s pain, guilt about not having enough attention for other children, and a sense of isolation from parents of typically developing kids, to grief over what both parents and children with special needs are missing out on.

If you have a special needs parent in your life, practical and emotional support might be the most important thing you can offer, whether that takes the form of friendship, listening, financial gifts, practical help like meals or shopping, etc.

Of course, the support you can offer depends on the kind of relationship you have, but by simply being there for a special needs parent, you can make a dramatic difference in their ability to persevere through the challenges they face every single day.

Most importantly, make sure that a parent facing special needs is seen, heard, and remembered. Isolation is a detriment to their ability to survive.

Finding Support for Special Needs Parenting

If you are parenting a child with special needs, self-care is crucial to your survival. Here are some tips, including a few ideas from Good Therapy:

Find support wherever you can.

There are many resources available to you, and it’s worth the time and effort to find them. Beyond the basics of medical care and therapeutic intervention, make sure you’re plugged into support groups (both off and online if possible) and take time for individual counseling to help you reduce stress and avoid burnout.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Unfortunately, many people won’t recognize that you’re struggling if you don’t mention it, but on the flip side, many people are willing to help if you ask. Your local church may be able to connect you with practical support.

Take time to do what you love.

You may not be able to engage in your favorite hobbies on a daily basis but try to set aside some time to relax every day. If you have any interest in a hands-on hobby, these can be the most therapeutic if you can devote a little time to them. Try art journaling, embroidery, woodwork, painting, etc.

Consider respite care services.

Depending on your child’s needs, you may have access to respite care that can provide you with time to take a break while knowing your child is in good hands. Don’t be afraid to avail yourself of these services; your child will receive help from you being rested and taking time off.

And remember:

“In addition to experiencing high levels of chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, parents of children with disabilities are faced with the heartbreaking limitations that exist in a world where not all children are included, considered, and prioritized in the same ways. As you work to confront and overcome these limitations and to secure services, treatments, opportunities, and access for your child that will help them develop and thrive, it’s easy to ignore or minimize your needs. Far from being a self-indulgent luxury, your self-care is a critical necessity.” (Good Therapy, emphasis added)

Christian Counseling for Special Needs Parenting

If you do only one thing for yourself, connect with an individual counselor who can walk with you on this journey. By setting aside only an hour a week, or whenever works for your schedule, either in person or via video chat, you can have a safe place to vent, grieve, set goals, and be yourself. It’s a time set aside just for you.

Agoura Christian Counseling can help remind you that not only does at least one other human see you and support you, but God also is the one who is always there for you, and who has promised to never leave or forsake you. Though other people may fail us when we are walking through trials, God will never leave us alone.

We all need to feel heard and understood. As a parent facing a battle to care for your child each day, as their number one caregiver, supporter, and advocate, it is essential that you also have a supporter. Contact [Christian Counseling] today to schedule your risk-free initial session.