It’s never easy, seeing someone you love going through a tough time. At times you might wish you could take their pain into yourself. The best one can do is to try and come alongside them in practical and effective ways that support them on their journey. Dealing with divorce needs the support of others.

Divorce is never easy

Some marriages are difficult to watch as they unfold, much less to imagine enduring from the inside. Your loved one may have gone through a horrendous marriage, and the divorce may have been equally so. It may be tempting to pop the champagne and celebrate the dissolution of the marriage, but you may need to slow your horses. Even in the worst circumstances, divorce is never easy.

Whatever the relationship was or what it became, at one point your loved one had hopes for themselves and the relationship. There are reasons they got married and wanted to have a life with their former partner. Those hopes were dashed, and that’s something to mourn.

Also, children in the relationship are affected by divorce in profound ways. Additionally, from a Christian perspective, a healthy respect for marriage as a God-given institution makes one leery to celebrate divorce too easily. Agoura Christian Counseling provides support and guidance for those navigating the challenges of divorce with faith-based principles.

Thus, even in situations where divorce allows one to be safer and ends an unhealthy situation, understand that divorce is never easy.

How to come alongside a loved one dealing with divorce

If your loved one is going through or has gone through a divorce, here’s how you can come alongside them:

Recognize complicated emotions

As mentioned earlier, divorce can be messy and complicated. It’s like a loss. It will involve the 5 stages of grief, which means people may not be consistent about how they feel. One day they may be angry, another they may want to rekindle the relationship. Expect this and help to keep them accountable for their decisions.

You are not responsible for their feelings; that is something only they are in charge of. What you can do is help them recognize and process what they are feeling in a healthy way.

Encourage healthy behaviors

When a person goes through a tough time, they can resort to unhealthy behaviors to cope. Divorce is no different. Your loved one may want to deal with things through consuming drugs and alcohol or engaging in risky behavior such as drunk driving or unprotected sex. Help them by encouraging healthy behaviors like exercise, sleeping well, eating a balanced diet, and going to therapy.

Sometimes, they may need some tough love if they want to stalk their ex on the internet or send them a drunk text. You can stand with them as they go through therapy to deal with their emotions and experiences in a healthy way. Speak truthfully and lovingly to them, affirming what is good, right, true, and noble, without celebrating what is evil and ungodly.

Help them stay connected to the community

One can become isolated from the community on account of a divorce. Sometimes friends are lost during a divorce as people take sides, or one might fall away from the spiritual community due to unkind comments about the divorce. Though it may not be your place to keep them in the community, you can encourage them to remain connected to their communities and be part of their support structure.

Provide your services

Divorce will often entail the couple splitting between two households. The departure of a spouse means the departure of their skill set, support, and time. It may fall to you and a network of friends to help close the gap.

Practical help like school pick-ups and drop-offs, grocery shopping, household or vehicle maintenance, meal preparation, driving them to counseling appointments, and babysitting will help your loved one and make them feel cared for.

Help them stay on task with the children

If there are children in the relationship, that can become a battleground with their ex. You can help your loved one stay on task by keeping the main thing central and avoiding toxic behavior. The kids need guidance and support throughout the process. Toxic behavior includes using the kids as spies or intermediaries with their ex or being hostile instead of cooperative in co-parenting.

If you need additional help

Dealing with divorce is never easy. There’s a cascade of emotions one has to deal with, and it’s easy to engage in unhealthy behaviors that don’t promote one’s well-being. The journey through divorce is one your loved one is going through, but you can support them through that journey in practical and effective ways. That support can make a world of difference amid a difficult time.

You may find yourself out of your depth in helping your loved one. That’s fine; professional help is available to assist them on their journey. A trained and licensed counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling in California can walk with your loved one in this season. Encourage them to reach out today.

The ability to communicate has become one of the most needed skills in today’s world. The success of every interaction we have depends on our ability to either have meaningful conversations or communicate our ideas and values effectively. This applies to everything from private communication to public speaking.

Communication can be easy when it is just with a few people or people who are used to it. Public speaking, on the other hand, is terrifying for most people. This is when we need to stand in front of a group of people and present our views, make a speech, or teach. Agoura Christian Counseling can help individuals build confidence in their communication skills.

Public speaking is a scary prospect for most of us because it requires giving ourselves to an audience to be judged in real-time. The fear of rejection and failing is usually at the forefront of why most people shy away from public speaking altogether. This is understandable because not all of us are born with the ability to speak to a crowd.

It can be tough for a variety of reasons. Although it may be nerve-wracking, the ability to speak publicly and communicate effectively is becoming one of the most sought-after skills in the job market, across industries and disciplines.

Tips for effective public speaking

Effective planning

Most of the nervousness we feel before speaking publicly is a result of not planning. As much as you can make sure you know all that needs to be in place for you to give your best. This might mean visiting the venue beforehand to properly plan how you will conduct yourself in that environment. Planning will also include making sure that all your technical needs are taken care of so that you will not be rattled by any technical issues on the day.

Know your material

As much as possible, try to avoid reading but work from an outline. This will mean that you will have to put a lot of effort into knowing and understanding the contents of what you are to present.

This requires you to study and go over your presentation over and over again, so you are aware of the flow of content. Master the introduction, the body, and the conclusion well so you do not lose track. Knowing your material also helps in reducing the feeling of nervousness that comes with public speaking.

Know your audience

Taking time to know the audience before you are to present to them will ensure that you have a successful presentation. The work you are putting out is for them so you must get to know how to effectively communicate with them.

Different audiences have unique needs and respond to communication styles differently, so this information is vital. Knowing one’s audience beforehand also helps with connecting with them on a human level. Connection is vital in any presentation or public speaking engagement.

Dress to impress

Before you say anything, when you stand in front of people, the first thing they will notice is how you are dressed. That’s their first impression of you. Different dress codes will be required for different audiences, but make sure that however you dress, it shows that you made an effort.

We also feel more confident when we know we look nice. There is no standard way of dressing, your environment and audience will determine that, but make sure it is presentable.

Grab their attention

From the moment you walk on stage, or the online presentation is focused on you, it is time to grab your audience’s attention. This is not only for the opening, but also for engaging their attention throughout. Whenever appropriate, use humor, tell a story, or include interesting statistics to keep their attention and more able to follow your presentation or speech.

Watch for feedback

The audience will always give feedback. Watch out for their questions, body postures, and non-verbal and verbal communication to see if you need to adjust how you are presenting in real-time. This means that you need to be flexible enough to switch things up or change your presentation style when you deem it necessary.

Be confident, relax

This is easier said than done, but, looking confident goes a long way in grabbing the attention of those you are speaking to. If you are feeling nervous, take breaks, ask questions, and involve the audience until you regain your composure. Relax, speak normally, and always breathe to relax.

We are here to help

Being asked to present in public can be daunting for most people. If you have read the above and need further assistance, reach out for help. Our online directory Agoura Christian Counseling, includes a team of Counselors and Therapists who will help identify the source of your fears and help you with healthy coping skills.

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease. It can be caused by many things, such as stress, uncertainty, or fear. Anxiety can interfere with a person’s daily activities and relationships. Many things can be done to help manage anxiety, such as talking to a therapist and practicing relaxation techniques, such as Christian meditation for anxiety. Agoura Christian Counseling can be a valuable resource for individuals seeking faith-based guidance and support in managing anxiety.

Meditation is a practice where an individual trains the mind or attention to achieve a state of relaxation. Meditation has been practiced in many religions and cultures throughout history. There are many different types of meditation, but most involve focusing on the breath, a mantra, or visualization.

Christian meditation for anxiety is a practice where an individual uses Scripture, prayer, and/or other spiritual practices to focus the mind and achieve a state of relaxation. There are many ways to practice Christian meditation, but some common practices include reading scripture, praying for guidance, and reflecting on one’s thoughts and feelings. Christian meditation can be a helpful way to connect with God, relax the mind, and reduce stress.

Christian Meditation for Anxiety

Let’s walk through a few different meditations together, using words from Deuteronomy.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV

Exercise #1: Breath Prayer.

A breath prayer is simply breathing in and out slowly and repeating a phrase. It will help slow your brain and your heart in the case of anxiety. Start by choosing a phrase and using it as a breath prayer.

Breath in: Be strong

Breath out: God is with me

OR

Breath in: Don’t be afraid

Breath out: He will never leave

OR

Breath in: God goes with me

Breath out: Be courageous

Exercise #2: Write it out.

Writing is an excellent way of taking the anxiety thoughts outside of your head. Take the above verse from Deuteronomy and write it out. Or write out a similar passage used only three verses later.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. – Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV

This phrase is restated in the book of Joshua several times. Rewrite the phrase for yourself, multiple times or use different translations.

Exercise #3: Pray the passage.

Meditation does not need to be a silent and lonely practice. The verse can draw you into a conversation with God. Tell Him what you are afraid of, what gives you anxiety, and ask for His help to see how He is with you. Ponder what it might look like to be courageous and tell God if you have felt forsaken by Him.

Next steps

Fear and anxiety are common human experiences, as even the pages of the Bible reveal. God can be present with you in your fear and worry. These simple exercises can help you when your thoughts begin spiraling out of control.

It can be helpful to have a partner, friend, or counselor help us practice these meditations and exercises. Have a person you can tell these practices about, and when you feel anxiety spiraling, call or text them. Then, they can help you start meditation to soothe your body and your soul. Agoura Christian Counseling can also provide guidance and support in incorporating faith-based meditation and coping strategies into your daily life.

Why do people have affairs, indeed? This is an age-old question asked by many, particularly onlookers from the outside, who are shocked when a couple in the community announces their impending divorce, following a marital rupture. The cause: an extra-marital affair. These onlookers are often dumbfounded by the development, as in their view the two shared a “happy marriage.”

More often than not, individuals who go down the path of pursuing an affair do not wake up and say, “I’m going to destroy my marriage.” Rather, it is the result of an action that happens before they realize it consciously. Agoura Christian Counseling can provide support in understanding the underlying causes and guiding couples through the process of healing and rebuilding their relationship.

The subconscious, of course, has been driving the action, and unhindered by any moral intervention, will achieve its desire at any cost. Such is the strength and power of our fleshly desires, as described in God’s Word:

…but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. – James 1:14-15

Why Do People Have Affairs?

Every relationship is unique, and it is difficult to pin down an exact response to the question: why do people have affairs? Counselors who see couples who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair might put it down to one or a combination of the following reasons:

Affairs as an escape from the mundane.

Any couple having been married for a while will lose that initial spark that brought them together in the early days of dating and the “honeymoon period”. Everyday life, bills to pay, sleepless nights with babies, and other stresses, can cause a marriage to fall into a rut.

This boredom and mundanity can lead to the door being opened toward a novel and exciting experience, particularly when a colleague or community member shows interest in a spouse who quite enjoys the ego boost.

Forbidden fruit.

Marriage is God’s good plan for a man and woman to bring each other joy and companionship, and the means from which to build a solid foundation for a healthy family structure. If this is so good, then why do people have affairs? As sinners, we have a natural bend toward desiring that which does not please God.

While we long to be upright, moral citizens, the reality is that it is only God’s grace that makes us right before Him, and while we are on this side of heaven, we will be tempted to fall into sinful patterns. An extra-marital affair takes place when we buy into the lie that somehow, forbidden fruit is sweeter and more satisfying than what is allowed to us.

Loss of connection in the relationship.

While affairs still occur regardless of the strength of a couple’s marriage, the reality is that when either spouse experiences a deficit in their “love tank”, they will be more prone to seek fulfillment and affirmation outside their marriage. These relational deficits can occur due to poor communication, which is the lifeblood of a healthy couple; lack of affection; a lack of physical intimacy; or a loss of emotional connection.

An affair does not necessarily have to end in divorce. If the transgressing spouse is prepared to repent and leave the extra-marital relationship, and commit to working on their marriage, and the spouse on the receiving end is equally committed, an affair can in some instances bring a married couple back to a stronger space. This would likely be more possible by attending counseling sessions, such as those offered by Agoura Christian Counseling, and a devotion to prayer and receiving God’s help.

There are situations you find yourself in that make you feel unsettled, maybe a little sick, or nervous. For you, that could be when you’re getting ready for an important date, when you sit down for your first interview, or if you have to deliver material in public. Being anxious is a common experience, and it’s one that typically doesn’t interrupt a person’s daily functioning, so it doesn’t necessary require one to find ways to reduce anxiety.

However, in some instances, and for some people, anxiety is a crushing weight that they must carry every day. Seemingly normal things like meeting new people, eating in public, or asking a question, may appear like an impossible ask.

Anxiety can end up making it hard to socialize with others, and that can put a serious cramp on one’s social life. Such anxiety, which may be diagnosed as an anxiety disorder, can affect day-to-day activities as well as a person’s relationships, self-esteem, and mental health.

Whether you’re dealing with mild anxiety or anxiety that significantly reduces your functioning, there are ways of dealing with it that help you without hurting you, and knowing them can be a huge help. Agoura Christian Counseling can guide you in finding effective strategies to manage anxiety and improve your well-being.

Common signs of anxiety and anxiety disorders.

If it’s your first time feeling anxious, it may be an overwhelming experience. Even if anxiety is familiar to you, it can be hard getting used to what anxiety does to you, and how it manifests physically and emotionally. Some of the signs of anxiety and anxiety disorders include:

• Increased heart rate, or heart palpitations.
• Hyperventilation or shortness of breath.
• Feeling nervous or unsettled.
• Obsessively thinking about the anxiety trigger.
• Feeling helpless and afraid.
• A sense of impending panic, danger, or doom.
• Sweating profusely.
• Upset stomach.
• Trembling or shaking.
• Avoiding certain places or situations that make you anxious.

One’s anxieties can be out of proportion to the actual danger they’re in, and they can cause you to avoid places or situations. These feelings of anxiety can interfere with daily activities and are often difficult to control. When a person has an anxiety disorder, even though they know their fear may not be rational, they still feel it nonetheless.

In Charles Dicken’s classic A Christmas Carol, the main character Ebenezer Scrooge has a ghostly visitation from his old business partner Jacob Marley. Scrooge, in trying to dismiss Marley’s upsetting warnings, says of Marley, “You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!”

If you encounter the signs of anxiety, don’t dismiss them; instead, seek help from a medical professional, who may refer you to a mental health expert if they can find no underlying physical cause of your symptoms.

Some unhelpful ways to address anxiety.

It may be useful on occasion to know the sort of things that may not be helping you when it comes to dealing with your anxiety. Some unhelpful ways to reduce anxiety include the following:

Avoidance.

On a certain level, it makes sense that if something makes you uncomfortable, you should have less of that thing in your life. However, when you avoid the things that trigger your anxiety, those things tend to loom larger in your imagination. It becomes harder to overcome them, and therefore deepens your anxiety.

Using various substances to cope.

Some substances like caffeine or nicotine can give a somewhat temporary relief from the symptoms of anxiety. Over-reliance on over-the-counter medications can also be detrimental to your body and overall health. Other people also use alcohol or recreational drugs to deal with anxiety, and while these provide temporary relief, there can be many negative health side effects in the long run.

Eating to self–soothe.

The other way people often deal with uncomfortable feelings is to turn to food to self-soothe. Sugary and fatty foods may enhance your mood through the release of serotonin into your system, but over the long term, the consumption of such foods puts you at greater risk of conditions such as diabetes, heart disease, or obesity.

Too much screen time.

This can produce a feeling of well-being, but only briefly. As your brain becomes dependent on those bursts of dopamine, you require more and more screen time to achieve that same level of satisfaction. Dedicating large portions of your day to screen time not only becomes a habit that affects your mental health, especially if you find yourself doom scrolling endlessly, but it takes time away from healthier pursuits and connection with others.

Self-isolation. I

f being around other people feels overwhelming or nerve-wracking, the temptation may be to withdraw and isolate yourself. Just like with avoidance, if you rely on this too much and aren’t using it as an opportunity to regroup before heading back into the thick of it, self-isolation can end up leading to poorer mental and emotional health.

Sleeping too much.

We all need rest, especially when we’re feeling sapped or exhausted. It’s important to get enough quality rest. However, sleeping more than you need to can also be a form of avoidance, and it takes up time you could use to exercise or foster meaningful connection with other people.

Catastrophizing.

Another way that people try to deal with anxiety is by yielding to it and giving it its head. This can lead to catastrophizing, which is when you jump to conclusions about the worst possible outcomes of a situation and treat them as likely when they are not. Catastrophizing only leads to deeper anxiety and stress, as does making impulsive decisions based on feelings of anxiety.

Some people respond to their anxieties by ruminating, developing compulsions, or by being perfectionists. These all may seem to help in the short term, but they compound the problem and make it much worse.

Healthy and effective ways to reduce anxiety.

Having pointed out some of the things to avoid, how can you best reduce anxiety and bring it under control? Some ways to reduce anxiety include

Deep breathing and mindfulness.

When you’re in an anxiety-inducing situation, it’s helpful to know how anxiety works and how it affects your body. Deep breathing helps you to calm down, reducing the sense of being overwhelmed or in danger. Being both mindful and grateful can help you live in and experience the moment, instead of worrying about what happened or may still happen.

Other ways to reduce anxiety, such as progressive muscle relaxation, counting, visuaxlization, and other coping mechanisms can also help you to calm down when you’re feeling stressed and anxious. With practice and repeated use, you can deploy these techniques more easily in times of crisis.

Good self-care. Being able to get sufficient sleep, eat a balanced diet, and regular exercise helps your body cope with the shocks and demands of daily life.

Learn about your anxiety.

Knowing what makes you anxious and how you typically respond is valuable information that you can use. You can journal to discover your triggers, and this helps you when you’re practicing strategies for coping with anxiety. Learning about your anxiety also empowers you as you speak with your healthcare provider about what treatments might work best for you.

Maintain your social network.

It may be tempting to either withdraw or have an over-reliance on others to address your anxiety. Instead of isolating yourself, connect with your loved ones and do the activities you enjoy. They cannot resolve your anxiety for you, but they are a vital resource in grounding and supporting your journey.

Seek help.

We all have occasional feelings of anxiety; that is a normal part of life. However, if you experience frequent and excessive anxiety, or fear, terror, and panic in everyday situations, that may point strongly to an anxiety disorder. Such levels of anxiety are unhealthy as they can significantly affect your quality of life and prevent you from functioning normally.

If your anxiety is getting in the way of you enjoying your life and relationships, talk with a doctor, counselor, or healthcare provider about your symptoms, and seek a proper diagnosis. Your doctor or healthcare provider can help rule out any possible underlying physical health issue that may be causing your symptoms, and they can direct you to a mental health professional if there are no underlying physical health issues at play. Agoura Christian Counseling can be a helpful resource to explore for additional support.

If you are diagnosed with anxiety or an anxiety disorder, the most effective treatment plan will vary, but most people with anxiety disorders need psychotherapy or medications to get their anxiety under control. Psychotherapy (talk therapy) can help you reframe your thoughts and develop healthy coping strategies.

In addition, lifestyle changes are also helpful. Keep your appointments for talk therapy and be consistent in taking whatever medication you’re prescribed. Sticking to your treatment plan makes a huge difference.

Menopause can be a challenging time, mentally and physically. The dip in estrogen and other hormones can cause a rise in the stress hormone cortisol leading to rapid weight gain and changes in body composition. Body image issues that were never a problem in the past may become hard to ignore.

Knowing what to expect can help prepare you to learn ways to cope with body image issues before they overwhelm you, possibly impacting your mental health. Agoura Christian Counseling can provide valuable support in addressing and managing these challenges in a healthy way.

Body image issues during menopause.

Menopause brings on so many changes. These mental and physical changes can lead to body image issues. Considering that menopause can last from a few years to more than a decade, learning how to adapt to these changes can bolster your mental health.

Not every menopausal symptom may apply to you. Some women only experience a drop in energy levels and a few hot flashes, while others have a wide array of symptoms. If you are experiencing a health change that seems unusual for your body, speak to your healthcare provider to confirm that it is a normal part of menopause. Likewise, if any of these changes has you feeling depressed, anxious, or embarrassed, reach out to a counselor today.

Change in body composition.

During menopause (and the period before menopause, known as peri-menopause), you may find your body composition changing. If you always gain weight in your hips and thighs, you might notice that new weight gain seems to settle around your abdomen, increasing your waist size.

This increase in waist measurement combined with weight gain can lead to a higher BMI (Body Mass Index). Because a higher BMI has been shown to increase risk for heart attacks and stroke, this may alarm you.

As menopause continues, your muscle mass begins to decrease. This is a great time to begin strength training with weights or body-weight resistance. Weight-bearing exercises increase, strengthen, and tone muscle, as well as strengthen bones and ligaments.

The more muscle you have, the more calories you burn overall. However, if exercise triggers you or you suffer from an eating disorder or body dysmorphia, speak to a counselor before embarking on an exercise program.

Thinning hair.

Estrogen and progesterone are two hormones that dramatically drop during menopause. Among other things, this steady decline can lead to thinning hair and less volume. In some cases, another hormone, androgen, increases and may reduce the size of hair follicles. You may also notice your nails becoming thinner and more brittle.

For some women, these changes can induce worry about appearance and how others perceive them. They may find they struggle with body comparison, often to younger women or even their own previous body shape. Expensive procedures and products might be sought to fight hair loss and thinning.

If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, talk to your doctor or discuss this with a counselor.

Less skin elasticity.

Not only can the effects of menopause be seen on hair and nails, but also a person’s skin may become dryer and lose its firmness. Collagen production gradually declines during menopause. Usually, a larger change occurs in the first five years followed by a more gradual decrease.

Consulting with a nutritionist about the best nutritional supplements, like powered collagen, to boost levels and maintain elasticity, can be a helpful strategy. Investing in creams and serums to increase firmness in the face, neck, and full body may also be a consideration.

However, if fine lines and sagging lead to self-consciousness and esteem issues, it could be time to reach out for help. If you no longer feel beautiful or second guess your attractiveness, seek the trusted support of a counselor to work through these feelings.

Lower self-esteem.

All of these physical changes can lead to lower self-esteem. You may no longer feel confident in your appearance, especially if your appearance is a particularly significant piece of your identity. As menopause continues and you experience more changes in the mirror, it may be time to seek professional help, especially if you struggle with any of the following symptoms:

• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• Feelings of low self-worth.
• Rapid weight gain or loss.
• Impulsive behaviors.
• Disordered eating behaviors like starvation, purging, or binging.
• Sleep issues.
• Intrusive thoughts.
• Withdrawal or avoidance of social interactions.
• Suicidal thoughts.
• Self-harm.

If you struggle with suicidal thoughts or ideations, contact help immediately.

Mental health conditions.

Body image issues may have you caught in a cycle that can lead you deeper into mental health conditions. Eating disorders, body dysmorphia, anxiety, social anxiety disorders, and depression can stem from these issues. In many cases, it takes the guidance of a mental health professional to help you through this season.

Do you need help with body image issues?

Body image issues can wear on your mind as well as your physical body. Counseling is an excellent way to introduce strategies to make the transition through menopause smoother. Contact our office today at Agoura Christian Counseling in California to discuss how counseling can help lessen the impact of body image issues and treat specific conditions, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and body dysmorphia.

Codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which a person is emotionally dependent on another person to validate his or her identity and bolster his or her self-esteem and sense of worth. It is not just a couple thing between spouses or romantic partners but can play out in any type of relationship such as between parent and child, friends, siblings, co-workers, or boss and employee. If you’re looking for codependency treatment, this article is for you.

In codependency, others become our foreground, God becomes the background, and self is lost altogether. That is not God’s design. – Focus On The Family

Codependent people need to feel needed and will neglect their own well-being in favor of taking care of the other person’s needs. They feel responsible for the other person’s feelings and actions and will do anything to make them happy, including enabling their bad behavior by making excuses for them or taking over their responsibilities. Agoura Christian Counseling can help individuals address and heal from codependency in healthy, constructive ways.

Often, they will stay in a damaging, abusive relationship because they fear being abandoned, and the thought of being without the other person may feel scarier than putting up with the harmful behaviors. Codependency is a learned behavior that is rooted in dysfunctional family dynamics during childhood. The good news is that it can be unlearned.

Codependency treatment.

Studies indicate that the best codependency treatment is a form of psychotherapy such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that teaches the codependent person how to identify dysfunctional thoughts and behavior patterns and restructure them.

Typically, the counseling sessions include:

• Identifying unhealthy behavior patterns.
• Uncovering the root causes of current dysfunctional behaviors by exploring early childhood experiences.
• Helping you understand the connection between early childhood issues and current behavior.
• Getting in touch with buried feelings and reconstructing family dynamics.
• Getting to know yourself and treat yourself kindly.
• Learning self-compassion and forgiving yourself for your mistakes.
• Learning to be honest about the cost of codependency.
• Prioritizing self-care.
• Learning how to rebalance yourself and engage in more independent behavior.
• Building self-esteem.
• Challenging feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. Learning how to be honest with yourself and the other person.
• Learning how to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings.
• Practicing assertiveness and learning how to say no.
• Understanding and accepting that you can’t please everyone.
• Learning the difference between unhealthy codependent behavior and healthy interdependent behavior.
• Understanding the difference between codependency and love.
• Understanding the difference between healthy support and enabling.
• Learning how to recognize dysfunctional behaviors in others and stop enabling them.
• Learning how to set boundaries.
• Learning how to support others without enabling their bad behavior.

Peer support groups such as Codependents Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery can provide an added benefit to professional codependency treatment by providing a safe space in which you can meet with others facing the same struggles you are, share your strengths, hopes, and experiences, and encourage one another as you work your way along the road to recovery together.

Christian counseling for codependent relationships

No matter how much you think you can do it, only God can motivate another person to change (Philippians 2:12-13). It is not your job, nor do you have the ability to do so. The only person you can change is yourself.

Christian counseling adds an extra dimension to codependency treatment by combining traditional clinical intervention with prayer and biblical principles and reassurances. If you are struggling with codependency and would like to set up an appointment with one of the faith-based counselors in our online directory, please give us a call today at Agoura Christian Counseling in California. We would be honored to walk alongside you through the healing process.

Blended families are increasingly common. This can be due to several reasons. Blended families are formed when two people who have children from previous relationships decide to marry and form a family unit. These children could either be biological or adopted. After getting married, they too might decide to have children of their own.

This type of family is sometimes a result of divorce, the death of a spouse, or someone who had a child but never got married. This type of family can also be called a stepfamily because children from previous relationships are coming together as the couple is coming together.

Raising a successful family, no matter its type or dynamics, is not easy. Each family has its own unique set of challenges, and some challenges are unique to blended families. This is not to say that they cannot be overcome; all challenges can be if those involved are committed, patient, and understanding. Agoura Christian Counseling can provide guidance and support in navigating these challenges.

Building a functioning family unit that is blended is attainable when those in the family, especially the couple themselves, are invested in learning how to manage their new family setup. If the couple is stable and confident, the children and everyone else around will be confident, and they lead from them.

Helpful strategies for blended families.

Open and honest communication.

For people to thrive, find their feet, and deal with difficult emotions, there needs to be a safe space created for those in the family to share honestly and openly. The couple is responsible for making this a reality by how they create space for each other and hence create space for their children and all members involved.

Strive for inclusivity.

All family members will be looking for belonging and acceptance at the start. Some children find it easy, and some children might find it harder. Inclusivity is making the extra effort that might be needed to make those who feel isolated feel more a part of the family. This could be as simple as learning what their favorite movie is and having the whole family go watch it with them, caring about what they care about so they feel seen and included.

Respect and civility.

Love, affection, and bonding are the results of time spent and the relationship built, however, from the onset, both partners need to insist on respect and civility when relating to all members of the new family. This way, they will learn to respect their stepparent, step-siblings, and all extended family members. This is not just for the children but the couple as well; they will lead by example.

It’s not just about the children.

Most times when blended families are discussed, the focus is on the children. As important as the children’s ability to adjust is important, the couple also needs to nurture and build their relationship so they have something solid to stand on. Couple counseling or pre-marital counseling is recommended. For the family to thrive their union needs to thrive.

Make space for excitement and grief.

Acknowledging that family members can experience both the excitement of the new family and still grieve the one they had is important. This is the time to support children and spouses as they go through the normal feelings of change and transition. This can be especially true if children experience the death of a parent. Moving on can be viewed as betrayal and these truths need to be held and understood with empathy and support.

Manage co-parenting expectations.

For those with ex-partners who are still alive, there needs to be a level of respect and civility. Adherence to co-parenting agreements needs to be upheld. Helping children maintain a good relationship with their other parent can be a huge source of comfort for them and hence they can adapt to the new arrangement quicker.

Have realistic expectations.

It is important to establish and communicate expectations. However, to avoid frustration and discouragement one must have realistic expectations, especially with children. Being understanding and adaptable will be essential, especially in the first few months.

Ask for help.

One of the advantages of blended families is that one adopts a large pool of extended family members who can offer help and assistance whenever needed. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles are available to fill in for the parents when schedules clash or if they need extra help as they settle the children.

Christian family counseling

If you feel you and your family might need some outside input and professional assistance, get in touch with our offices. At Agoura Christian Counseling in California, we have qualified family counselors who are ready to support you and your family as you start this journey.

How can you as a parent do what is best for your teen when they go through periods where they clearly struggle with mental health issues? It is difficult to understand the type of help to give as teens seem to be going through so many changes related to growing up – their physical body is changing, they are learning to deal with their emotions, and there are mental changes caused by puberty.

So, how can you tell the difference between what is normal from a developmental point of view and what needs trained, professional support in the form of teen counseling? Agoura Christian Counseling can help provide guidance in understanding these differences.

Is this normal or do we need teen counseling?

Teenage years often feature many storms of emotion and outburst as teenagers experience this time of change as a period of vulnerability. Teens struggle with their shift in emotions, discovering who they are, a changing body, and changing how they relate to others.

During this time, parents may find that teenagers pull back and create a stormy atmosphere in the home and family.

Parents would have witnessed these types of transition periods before with their teens, first as babies, then toddlers, and later children. As an individual, your child goes through their own types of changes and their personality and home environment makes their experience unique.

With teens there is a level of uniformity as you deal with common issues such as hormone changes, valuing independence, showing interest in romantic relationships, spending more time with friends, and an increase in sensation-seeking tendencies, as well as considering future plans more thoughtfully.

Indicators when teen counseling may help

While reading through these indicators, parents should remember that some mental health problems show themselves during adolescence (between the ages of 10 and 19 years old) and some of the signs below show that a child is struggling.

Be on the lookout for how your child behaves – which can be made worse through the wrong type of exposure on social media. Keep in mind that issues related to self-harm or suicide need immediate professional attention.

Relationally pulling back from friends, or family, or both

The teenage years are often marked by sharing less with parents and being hesitant to provide the same level of information as before. This is normal. However, if your child pulls back from relationships with family that they used to enjoy, it may indicate issues relating to several types of events, including self-esteem, depression, trauma, or bullying. Teen counseling can help by offering a secure, impartial environment for teens to explore this further.

Lack of interest in regular activities

A reduced ability to experience pleasure is a regular symptom of depression. In teens, it can often be seen as a loss of interest in their passions and far less time being spent in activities that they previously enjoyed. This feeling, termed anhedonia, can also be accompanied by a feeling of futility and frustration.

Teen counseling helps teenagers to recognize these symptoms within themselves and determine how to approach them. Several coping skills and exercises to change thinking patterns can be taught and learned for managing well.

Motivation deflates to an all-time low

If your teen suddenly just does not care and shows a massively reduced level of motivation, this may be a sign of depression, anxiety, transitional stress, or substance abuse. The feeling of being overwhelmed to get your life back on track can be paralyzing. Teen therapy will help your teenager explore what is blocking their motivation and discover how to develop a roadmap to achieve their goals.

Simmering anger levels

If your teen is spending their time chronically angry, then it may be worthwhile to find out more. Anger is a normal emotion that everyone experiences. However, frustration is temporary, while chronic anger is a symptom of something unhealthy beneath the surface.

Other mental health conditions that can be linked to anger can include:

• ADHD
• Anxiety
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Depression
• Eating disorders
• PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
• Stress
• Substance abuse

If there is a lot of explosive anger, especially the type that often requires intervention, this can lead to major trouble while navigating school as well as relationships. Being able to regulate and understand emotions is a key life skill that teen counseling is able to teach.

Drinking or drug use

It may be a parent’s worst nightmare to discover that their child is drinking or involved in drug abuse. While it is normal for teens to experiment and take higher risks than they would have previously, experimental use can lead to habitual use, and this can spiral very quickly into addiction.

Receiving a substance use assessment during teen counseling will help your teen navigate the various triggers and stress points they have. It also gives a good opportunity to discuss other treatment options that are available.

A change in eating habits

Adolescence can be a time when eating disorders emerge. If as a parent you notice significant weight changes, eating in secret, evidence of binge eating or purging (such as self-induced vomiting), unhelpful comments about their body, then be aware that your teen may be in the middle of a tough time. Teen counseling will be able to assist with recovery from this change and refer to a higher level of care if this is required.

Being extremely anxious and stressed

“No worries” may be an expression to indicate that things are going well, but in actual fact it is perfectly normal to experience a level of worry. The warning sign is when the worry becomes overriding and grows to become chronic anxiety. Anxiety disorders, PTSD, or having trouble matching up to the expectations of those around you can all bring about mental health problems that manifest as chronic anxiety.

Teens are often particularly stressed about situations linked to things such as a sporting or cultural performance, a significant test or exam, or social interactions. If their anxiety is unhealthy, teen counseling can help. Learning how to relax and think differently during times of anxiety can provide a series of very useful tools for your teen to access, during adolescence and throughout life.

Brushing up against the law and getting into trouble

Defying your parents is pretty normal teen behavior. However, parents can get worried when this extends to legal trouble. Sometimes teenagers get into legal trouble to gain attention or because of other issues in their life. Either way, a criminal record can have permanent consequences in someone’s life.

Teen therapy provides a productive environment where teenagers are guided to explore their motives for their behavior and learn different strategies to effectively cope with these motives in a healthy manner.

A complete refresh of their friends

Friends are often welcome in anyone’s life. But dropping all your old friends and moving to new friends within a short space of time can indicate there is an underlying issue. If some peer groups include bullying or unwelcome pressure, then changing a friendship circle can be a good move.

However, there are times when the new friends take part in self-destructive, high-risk, and sometimes unlawful behavior. A therapist is well placed to assess if there are any signs of potential distress.

Grief at a significant loss

Teenagers can be profoundly impacted by grief – this could be in the death of a dearly loved family member, or the break-up of a significant relationship. Some teens do open up to their families about their feelings, while others pull back and isolate themselves. Either way, teen counseling is designed to assist any teenager to process their grief and cope in way that leads them to make healthy choices.

Next steps

Are you looking for excellent, experienced, and professional teen counseling? If so, browse our online counselor directory or contact our office at  Agoura Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment. We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.

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It can seem weird that we must be taught to love and accept ourselves. The truth of the matter is growing up, most of us have been swayed away from self-acceptance, taking care of ourselves, valuing ourselves, or being kind to ourselves because such actions have been defined as selfish, narcissistic, or grandiose.

More value has been placed on how sacrificial one is, how much one looks to the needs of others and less to their own needs that amid it all we have lost the ability to love, accept, and be compassionate toward ourselves.

While looking to the needs of others is important, today we will look at how important it is for us to shine the light on ourselves and how important self-acceptance is. Self-acceptance can be defined as the ability for one to look at themselves and accept all aspects of their being, warts and all. Agoura Christian Counseling can help guide individuals on this journey of self-acceptance.

It is having a realistic evaluation of oneself and being content with that evaluation without judgment, shame, or criticism. It is embracing both the good and the bad of who one is.

It is important to note that self-acceptance is not about people not acknowledging and changing their weaknesses, bad attributes, or behavior. On the contrary, self-acceptance is the bedrock of self-development and self-improvement. When someone accepts their flaws and weaknesses it means that they are not living in denial, and they can seek help for the areas they know need to be rectified.

Key components of self-acceptance

For someone to fully embrace who they are irrespective of their flaws and despite their achievements, certain components need to be present in how they live their lives. Below are a few suggestions:

Self-awareness.

Being self-aware means that you have all the details of who you are. You know your strengths, weaknesses, attributes, triggers, and emotions. You are honest with yourself.

Authenticity.

Showing up and living life as your most genuine self is the height of self-acceptance. Authentic living means you are not afraid or ashamed of who you are, but you dare to be seen for who you truly are. It is embracing your uniqueness and individuality.

Resilience.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks and failure. In life we will all fall short of something; the aim is not to stay there but to use those setbacks as opportunities for reflection and growth.

Self-Compassion.

Truth be told, we are most times our own greatest critics. We hold ourselves to standards that we do not even hold for other people. This needs to stop if we are to fully live a life of self-acceptance. Practicing self-compassion means we learn to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes. We show ourselves the same kindness we freely give to others.

Celebration of achievements.

For fear of being perceived as being full of pride, people have underplayed their achievements or at times haven’t even acknowledged them at all. For us to live in self-acceptance, we also must acknowledge those things we are good at without shame. Our abilities and good qualities should never be something we have to hide but fully embraced and celebrated.

Unconditional love.

The world teaches us at times that for us to deserve love and attention, we first must be perfect and without flaws. Unconditional lovecombats that by loving yourself, right here right now as you are. This is especially important for people struggling with addiction or a habit they want to break. You can love and appreciate yourself even as you are on the road to recovery, not only when you recover.

Staying in your lane.

Self-acceptance means you are not in competition with anyone. You understand what your journey is and your unique situation. You are not living a life of chasing records and the achievements of others. You let go of comparisons.

Benefits of self–acceptance

As a tool for a more peaceful and meaningful life, self-acceptance is a powerful tool. There are many reasons why it can be beneficial to our daily life, below are a few reasons why it is vital:

• Enhanced mental and physical health.
• Healthy relationships.
• Increased confidence and self-esteem.
• A positive outlook on life.
• Improved emotional intelligence and empathy.
• An antidote to toxic shame.
• Reduced stress.
• Foundation for self-development and self-improvement.
• Greater financial freedom.

Finding support

The journey of self-acceptance can be a daunting one, especially if growing up we have never been taught or given the tools. At Agoura Christian Counseling in California, we are here to offer the support you might need. If you feel you would like more information and help, please get in touch with our office.