Finding a partner to share our lives with, someone to help us navigate life is one of the joys of being on this earth. Life can be hard when we go alone. When we are looking for this person to share our lives with, we hope that they are loving, supportive, compassionate, and respectful, among other qualities. These qualities make room for healthy relationships, marriages, and ultimately healthy families.

Though this is the ideal for relationships, and most people hope to have this kind of love, some people, unfortunately, end up with toxic partners. Toxic partners bring a lot of negativity to the relationship by being unsupportive, demeaning, disrespectful, and at times violent.

Instead of filling you up and being a source of encouragement, toxic relationships can leave you worse off, with your self-esteem shredded, and questioning your value or worth.

Granted, any relationship is hard. Many of us go through life without being taught how to relate to other people and in turn, we can hurt those we love unintentionally and vice-versa. However, a relationship becomes toxic when one or both partners are out to hurt the other person intentionally. Agoura Christian Counseling can help you navigate and heal from such harmful relationships.

Most of us might experience moments when our spouse is not the best, when they might disrespect us here or there. What determines that a relationship is toxic is the frequency of said negative behaviors. This way of living becomes the norm for the couple in this situation.

Behaviors of toxic couples.

All relationships face their challenges and couples find healthy ways of resolving conflicts. No marriage is without its troubles. However, certain patterns can be seen in couples that can be termed toxic and should be a cause for concern if not addressed in time.

One major reason why toxic behavior in marriages or relationships needs to be addressed is that in certain instances it intensifies to become abusive, violent, and life-threatening. Toxicity in relationships can be seen in how a couple relates to each other. Below are some red flags to look out for. If one or both partners behave in any of the following consistently, it might be time to seek help.

Lack of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to feel for another in times of distress. Toxic partners do not possess this ability. They cannot show compassion and in turn, live to hurt and harm. They are cruel in how they relate to their partner and others. These toxic partners lack the willingness to understand other points of view, which means they are always right.

Demeaning the other.

A person who belittles your viewpoints, beliefs, and contributions as silly or stupid is toxic. We all need a sense of being seen and understood, but when you have a partner who often puts you down, whether in private or in public, it can be hard to build a future together. These partners have a sense of superiority and are critical of what you do or say.

Use of anger as a weapon.

These are the bad-tempered partners who use anger as a form of control. These partners make the home unsafe because everyone, including the children, will be walking on eggshells around them. It is hard to know what will set them off, which means that the inhabitants of that home are constantly being vigilant and anxious. The angry party feels powerful when intimidating others.

Insecurity.

Insecure partners can be hard to please and they can also be dangerous. Due to their insecurity, they are in constant need of validation and approval, which most times seems not to be enough. If your partner is insecure, it can be incredibly draining to try and prop them up all the time. Their constant need for recognition and approval can lend you in their firing line if you disapprove of anything they do, they take it personally.

Always playing the victim.

There are situations in which you tell your partner how much they hurt you, and you find yourself at the end of that conversation comforting them instead. Partners like this will always find a way to make everything about them. They blame you for everything, even for treating you badly. They find a way of twisting the truth so that you end up taking care of their hurt and disappointment. This also ties into their inability to be empathetic.

Possessiveness and jealousy.

This trait is common in toxic partners. Due to a lot of reasons, these partners are in constant need of reassurance of fidelity. They do not trust easily. They become angry and sometimes abusive if they suspect that you are not being truthful with them. These partners can be dangerous as their inability to trust can lead them to be violent in situations where they suspect infidelity.

Not pulling their weight.

Another toxic trait is that of a passive partner. This is someone who does not take responsibility for the relationship or major life decisions. They leave everything to their partner. This lack of responsibility can leave the other partner feeling resentful and overwhelmed.

Unreliability.

The perks of being in a committed relationship are that you know that your partner has your back, and you know you can count on them to show up for you when you need them. However, when you have a partner that lies, does not keep their word, or simply dismisses their responsibility, it can make it hard to build a future together.

Effects on toxic couples.

• Mental health toll due to increased stress and anxiety.
• Low self-esteem as a result of demeaning and unsupportive relating.
• Isolation that comes as a result of being cut off from family and friends, and constant drama.
• You are not seen, heard, loved, or validated.
• Your physical health is put at risk as a result of the emotional toll and exhaustion you feel in the presence of a toxic partner (examples are: high blood pressure, ulcers, and a compromised immune system).
• Unsafe home environment for your children.
• Abuse, violence, and in some instances death.

How toxic couples can stop.

To say a couple is toxic is not to say that it cannot be saved or restored. Most people can find love and joy on the other side of toxicity, it is however important to note that for any relationship to be restored, both parties need to be willing to put in the work, accept their roles and make amends.

It is also important to note that as much as we want, we cannot change anyone, so if your partner is not willing to change or at least seek help, below are some ways you can protect yourself.

• If the relationship is toxic to the extent of being violent and abusive, please remove yourself and the children as soon as it is safe to do so and seek help.
• Create, communicate, and enforce boundaries in situations where you might need to protect yourself from your partner’s toxic behavior.
• Be assertive in communicating your discomfort, needs, and fears.
• Go for couples counseling to have a third party help you both break the cycle of toxicity. Even if your partner does not want to go, you can go alone to get help for coping and maintaining your mental health.

Next steps.

It can sometimes be hard for toxic couples to tell that they are in a toxic relationship. Most of us might look at the troubles and patterns and think that maybe it is the way marriage or relationship should be. Relationships are hard work, but if any of the characteristics discussed gave you pause, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me or one of the other counselors listed on our website.

We are here to help you and your partner evaluate your relationship and get tools to help you move forward. Contact our office today at Agoura Christian Counseling.

Whether you’re a newlywed or are approaching your twentieth anniversary, there is always something new to learn about marriage. Here are some counselor-approved principles to improve the satisfaction you and your spouse experience in your married life. If you ever feel like you need guidance or support in navigating these principles, Agoura Christian Counseling is here to help you strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection.

10 Ways to a Happier Married Life

1. Put God first in your marriage.

Marriage is God’s idea, and the vows you said when you got married were to each other and God – the married life of a Christian couple is different right from the very start. Furthermore, the Bible teaches us that God performs a miracle in our marriages, uniting us together in a covenant relationship with Him as one.

Ecclesiastes 4:12, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken” shows that there is much strength in the marriage of believers; and so, it is critical to put God first throughout and to keep coming back to that, in the good times and bad.

2. Have trust as an absolute cornerstone.

Knowing that you can trust another person unconditionally is incredible comfort and blessing. Trust is the foundation of every strong marriage; a healthy relationship cannot exist without it. Trust is built by being open and honest with your spouse about your feelings, thoughts, and actions and reassuring each other, both verbally and through what you do, that you are each other’s “safe space.”

Trust can be built through being consistent and dependable in simple things, showing that you are true to your word in the small issues as well as big. Trust that has been broken can have a devastating impact on married life, but can be restored over time, provided that both partners are fully committed to building it up again. Trust needs to be constantly nurtured to thrive in a marriage.

3. Know each other’s needs and work to fulfill them.

Men and women function differently and have diverse needs that take priority. A man predominantly needs to feel respected by his wife to have his “love tank” filled; while a woman has an innate need to feel loved and cherished. In addition to gender-specific needs, every person is an individual and has been hardwired with a unique love language.

Often, we find that our spouse’s love language can be completely different from ours, and it takes effort and sacrifice to learn each other’s needs. Author Gary Chapman defines them as quality time, gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service in his popular book “The Five Love Languages.”

Committing to doing this early on in married life can reap much happiness in a relationship, and avoid resentment building up over time through unmet and often completely unrecognized needs.

4. Prioritize and schedule.

We often have great intentions to make our married life happier through spending quality time together, but work and children and distractions get in the way, and before we know it the weeks have flown past, and we wonder why we are feeling estranged from our spouse.

“Date night” is a tried-and-true way to prioritize focused one-on-one time, and this can take the form of any time slot or activity where a husband and wife commit to spending dedicated, uninterrupted time together.

Once it’s been recognized as a priority, it works well to schedule it in each other’s calendars, so that the time is blocked out and treated with the respect and importance that any other meeting or engagement would be. Far too often we (subconsciously) put our spouse at the “bottom of the list,” allowing the rest of life to take priority, but just a few small actions can help us to shift our view and get a proper perspective.

5. Communicate regularly.

Another make-or-break part of married life is communication. How we communicate with our spouse is the most important thing in our marriage as it transcends absolutely everything. Any stress or issue can be sorted out with honest, open, loving communication – the trick is to put aside our pride and natural reactions in favor of serving our spouse with words and responses that put God first.

Some of the tips to improve communication include spending at least twenty to thirty minutes a day speaking to one another and catching up; using “I” statements rather than “you” statements (“I feel sad when…”); being specific rather than using generalizations; avoiding mind-reading; expressing negative feelings constructively; listening without being defensive, and freely expressing positive feelings. All too often we keep those thoughts quiet rather than using the opportunity to affirm our spouse.

6. Fight and forgive.

In a broken world full of sinners, conflict is a guarantee in any close relationship between two people. A married life without any arguments or difference of opinion is unlikely and raises some questions about the true closeness of the marriage. Once again, it’s all about how you argue.

Counselors recommend sticking to the issue rather than making personal character attacks, taking a “time out” if things are getting heated and not heading towards resolution, refusing to enter into a discussion around a thorny issue if it’s past 10 pm, and resisting taking the bait if you know your partner is “pressing certain buttons”.

Of course, it’s easy to know all the strategies to minimize conflict, but the important part is confessing your sin to God and having Him work in your heart so that you can seek peace and offer forgiveness. The opposite of full-blown conflict – not dealing with it at all – is just as toxic, if not more, and it’s critical to be able to fight and forgive in marriage.

7. Keep some part of your independence.

While in the early days of dating and marriage it can be tempting to spend every waking hour with your partner, a happy married life also requires some independence. Partners need to ensure that they have friends that they can confide in, and separate hobbies that they enjoy as individuals and not as a couple (shared hobbies are healthy too). This helps to bring vibrancy into a relationship and prevents it from becoming stale.

8. Don’t neglect sex. 

God created sex to be a unique physical expression of love in marriage. It binds a husband and wife together in a way that no other communication can and strengthens a marriage. Sex can be neglected when life gets busy and isn’t always viewed as a high priority (either by one or both parties).

Counselors often recommend scheduling intimacy, just as one does the weekly date night so that it does not only come on to the agenda when both husband and wife are “in the mood”. It may sound unromantic, but many couples attest to this discipline helping to maintain the sexual side of their married life.

9. Don’t take life too seriously.

In multiple studies into happy couples, the one ingredient that kept coming up was a sense of humor. Life is full of things to be serious about, but if you can ensure that you inject daily laughs into your married life, you’ll be well on your way to a happier future. Remember the laughs that you enjoyed while dating and make a conscious effort to find the funnier side of life together. You may be surprised by how much fun you can have!

10. Get help when you need it.

Marriage is difficult, and it’s all too easy to reach an impasse over a certain issue or personal characteristic. When you’re not on the same page in your married life, it’s hard to get a clear perspective, and that is where a Biblical counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling can provide enormous value and support.

Don’t struggle along and risk getting to the point where you are simply co-existing, rather than thriving in a marriage that honors God. There is still benefit to counseling, even in instances where only one partner is willing to seek external help.

The quality of one’s married life has a huge effect on one’s overall functioning and ability to be the best version of the person they’ve been made to be. In a happy marriage, each person thrives and there is a virtuous cycle of joy as the commitment is deepened and enriched.

Conversely, being in an unhappy marriage leads to emotional deprivation and stunted growth. If we are married, we need to do everything we can to ensure that we are working towards the former; not only because we want a happy marriage for ourselves and our spouse, but because it is an act of obedience to God.