It’s never easy, seeing someone you love going through a tough time. At times you might wish you could take their pain into yourself. The best one can do is to try and come alongside them in practical and effective ways that support them on their journey. Dealing with divorce needs the support of others.

Divorce is never easy

Some marriages are difficult to watch as they unfold, much less to imagine enduring from the inside. Your loved one may have gone through a horrendous marriage, and the divorce may have been equally so. It may be tempting to pop the champagne and celebrate the dissolution of the marriage, but you may need to slow your horses. Even in the worst circumstances, divorce is never easy.

Whatever the relationship was or what it became, at one point your loved one had hopes for themselves and the relationship. There are reasons they got married and wanted to have a life with their former partner. Those hopes were dashed, and that’s something to mourn.

Also, children in the relationship are affected by divorce in profound ways. Additionally, from a Christian perspective, a healthy respect for marriage as a God-given institution makes one leery to celebrate divorce too easily. Agoura Christian Counseling provides support and guidance for those navigating the challenges of divorce with faith-based principles.

Thus, even in situations where divorce allows one to be safer and ends an unhealthy situation, understand that divorce is never easy.

How to come alongside a loved one dealing with divorce

If your loved one is going through or has gone through a divorce, here’s how you can come alongside them:

Recognize complicated emotions

As mentioned earlier, divorce can be messy and complicated. It’s like a loss. It will involve the 5 stages of grief, which means people may not be consistent about how they feel. One day they may be angry, another they may want to rekindle the relationship. Expect this and help to keep them accountable for their decisions.

You are not responsible for their feelings; that is something only they are in charge of. What you can do is help them recognize and process what they are feeling in a healthy way.

Encourage healthy behaviors

When a person goes through a tough time, they can resort to unhealthy behaviors to cope. Divorce is no different. Your loved one may want to deal with things through consuming drugs and alcohol or engaging in risky behavior such as drunk driving or unprotected sex. Help them by encouraging healthy behaviors like exercise, sleeping well, eating a balanced diet, and going to therapy.

Sometimes, they may need some tough love if they want to stalk their ex on the internet or send them a drunk text. You can stand with them as they go through therapy to deal with their emotions and experiences in a healthy way. Speak truthfully and lovingly to them, affirming what is good, right, true, and noble, without celebrating what is evil and ungodly.

Help them stay connected to the community

One can become isolated from the community on account of a divorce. Sometimes friends are lost during a divorce as people take sides, or one might fall away from the spiritual community due to unkind comments about the divorce. Though it may not be your place to keep them in the community, you can encourage them to remain connected to their communities and be part of their support structure.

Provide your services

Divorce will often entail the couple splitting between two households. The departure of a spouse means the departure of their skill set, support, and time. It may fall to you and a network of friends to help close the gap.

Practical help like school pick-ups and drop-offs, grocery shopping, household or vehicle maintenance, meal preparation, driving them to counseling appointments, and babysitting will help your loved one and make them feel cared for.

Help them stay on task with the children

If there are children in the relationship, that can become a battleground with their ex. You can help your loved one stay on task by keeping the main thing central and avoiding toxic behavior. The kids need guidance and support throughout the process. Toxic behavior includes using the kids as spies or intermediaries with their ex or being hostile instead of cooperative in co-parenting.

If you need additional help

Dealing with divorce is never easy. There’s a cascade of emotions one has to deal with, and it’s easy to engage in unhealthy behaviors that don’t promote one’s well-being. The journey through divorce is one your loved one is going through, but you can support them through that journey in practical and effective ways. That support can make a world of difference amid a difficult time.

You may find yourself out of your depth in helping your loved one. That’s fine; professional help is available to assist them on their journey. A trained and licensed counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling in California can walk with your loved one in this season. Encourage them to reach out today.

Why do people have affairs, indeed? This is an age-old question asked by many, particularly onlookers from the outside, who are shocked when a couple in the community announces their impending divorce, following a marital rupture. The cause: an extra-marital affair. These onlookers are often dumbfounded by the development, as in their view the two shared a “happy marriage.”

More often than not, individuals who go down the path of pursuing an affair do not wake up and say, “I’m going to destroy my marriage.” Rather, it is the result of an action that happens before they realize it consciously. Agoura Christian Counseling can provide support in understanding the underlying causes and guiding couples through the process of healing and rebuilding their relationship.

The subconscious, of course, has been driving the action, and unhindered by any moral intervention, will achieve its desire at any cost. Such is the strength and power of our fleshly desires, as described in God’s Word:

…but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. – James 1:14-15

Why Do People Have Affairs?

Every relationship is unique, and it is difficult to pin down an exact response to the question: why do people have affairs? Counselors who see couples who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair might put it down to one or a combination of the following reasons:

Affairs as an escape from the mundane.

Any couple having been married for a while will lose that initial spark that brought them together in the early days of dating and the “honeymoon period”. Everyday life, bills to pay, sleepless nights with babies, and other stresses, can cause a marriage to fall into a rut.

This boredom and mundanity can lead to the door being opened toward a novel and exciting experience, particularly when a colleague or community member shows interest in a spouse who quite enjoys the ego boost.

Forbidden fruit.

Marriage is God’s good plan for a man and woman to bring each other joy and companionship, and the means from which to build a solid foundation for a healthy family structure. If this is so good, then why do people have affairs? As sinners, we have a natural bend toward desiring that which does not please God.

While we long to be upright, moral citizens, the reality is that it is only God’s grace that makes us right before Him, and while we are on this side of heaven, we will be tempted to fall into sinful patterns. An extra-marital affair takes place when we buy into the lie that somehow, forbidden fruit is sweeter and more satisfying than what is allowed to us.

Loss of connection in the relationship.

While affairs still occur regardless of the strength of a couple’s marriage, the reality is that when either spouse experiences a deficit in their “love tank”, they will be more prone to seek fulfillment and affirmation outside their marriage. These relational deficits can occur due to poor communication, which is the lifeblood of a healthy couple; lack of affection; a lack of physical intimacy; or a loss of emotional connection.

An affair does not necessarily have to end in divorce. If the transgressing spouse is prepared to repent and leave the extra-marital relationship, and commit to working on their marriage, and the spouse on the receiving end is equally committed, an affair can in some instances bring a married couple back to a stronger space. This would likely be more possible by attending counseling sessions, such as those offered by Agoura Christian Counseling, and a devotion to prayer and receiving God’s help.

Codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which a person is emotionally dependent on another person to validate his or her identity and bolster his or her self-esteem and sense of worth. It is not just a couple thing between spouses or romantic partners but can play out in any type of relationship such as between parent and child, friends, siblings, co-workers, or boss and employee. If you’re looking for codependency treatment, this article is for you.

In codependency, others become our foreground, God becomes the background, and self is lost altogether. That is not God’s design. – Focus On The Family

Codependent people need to feel needed and will neglect their own well-being in favor of taking care of the other person’s needs. They feel responsible for the other person’s feelings and actions and will do anything to make them happy, including enabling their bad behavior by making excuses for them or taking over their responsibilities. Agoura Christian Counseling can help individuals address and heal from codependency in healthy, constructive ways.

Often, they will stay in a damaging, abusive relationship because they fear being abandoned, and the thought of being without the other person may feel scarier than putting up with the harmful behaviors. Codependency is a learned behavior that is rooted in dysfunctional family dynamics during childhood. The good news is that it can be unlearned.

Codependency treatment.

Studies indicate that the best codependency treatment is a form of psychotherapy such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that teaches the codependent person how to identify dysfunctional thoughts and behavior patterns and restructure them.

Typically, the counseling sessions include:

• Identifying unhealthy behavior patterns.
• Uncovering the root causes of current dysfunctional behaviors by exploring early childhood experiences.
• Helping you understand the connection between early childhood issues and current behavior.
• Getting in touch with buried feelings and reconstructing family dynamics.
• Getting to know yourself and treat yourself kindly.
• Learning self-compassion and forgiving yourself for your mistakes.
• Learning to be honest about the cost of codependency.
• Prioritizing self-care.
• Learning how to rebalance yourself and engage in more independent behavior.
• Building self-esteem.
• Challenging feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. Learning how to be honest with yourself and the other person.
• Learning how to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings.
• Practicing assertiveness and learning how to say no.
• Understanding and accepting that you can’t please everyone.
• Learning the difference between unhealthy codependent behavior and healthy interdependent behavior.
• Understanding the difference between codependency and love.
• Understanding the difference between healthy support and enabling.
• Learning how to recognize dysfunctional behaviors in others and stop enabling them.
• Learning how to set boundaries.
• Learning how to support others without enabling their bad behavior.

Peer support groups such as Codependents Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery can provide an added benefit to professional codependency treatment by providing a safe space in which you can meet with others facing the same struggles you are, share your strengths, hopes, and experiences, and encourage one another as you work your way along the road to recovery together.

Christian counseling for codependent relationships

No matter how much you think you can do it, only God can motivate another person to change (Philippians 2:12-13). It is not your job, nor do you have the ability to do so. The only person you can change is yourself.

Christian counseling adds an extra dimension to codependency treatment by combining traditional clinical intervention with prayer and biblical principles and reassurances. If you are struggling with codependency and would like to set up an appointment with one of the faith-based counselors in our online directory, please give us a call today at Agoura Christian Counseling in California. We would be honored to walk alongside you through the healing process.

Blended families are increasingly common. This can be due to several reasons. Blended families are formed when two people who have children from previous relationships decide to marry and form a family unit. These children could either be biological or adopted. After getting married, they too might decide to have children of their own.

This type of family is sometimes a result of divorce, the death of a spouse, or someone who had a child but never got married. This type of family can also be called a stepfamily because children from previous relationships are coming together as the couple is coming together.

Raising a successful family, no matter its type or dynamics, is not easy. Each family has its own unique set of challenges, and some challenges are unique to blended families. This is not to say that they cannot be overcome; all challenges can be if those involved are committed, patient, and understanding. Agoura Christian Counseling can provide guidance and support in navigating these challenges.

Building a functioning family unit that is blended is attainable when those in the family, especially the couple themselves, are invested in learning how to manage their new family setup. If the couple is stable and confident, the children and everyone else around will be confident, and they lead from them.

Helpful strategies for blended families.

Open and honest communication.

For people to thrive, find their feet, and deal with difficult emotions, there needs to be a safe space created for those in the family to share honestly and openly. The couple is responsible for making this a reality by how they create space for each other and hence create space for their children and all members involved.

Strive for inclusivity.

All family members will be looking for belonging and acceptance at the start. Some children find it easy, and some children might find it harder. Inclusivity is making the extra effort that might be needed to make those who feel isolated feel more a part of the family. This could be as simple as learning what their favorite movie is and having the whole family go watch it with them, caring about what they care about so they feel seen and included.

Respect and civility.

Love, affection, and bonding are the results of time spent and the relationship built, however, from the onset, both partners need to insist on respect and civility when relating to all members of the new family. This way, they will learn to respect their stepparent, step-siblings, and all extended family members. This is not just for the children but the couple as well; they will lead by example.

It’s not just about the children.

Most times when blended families are discussed, the focus is on the children. As important as the children’s ability to adjust is important, the couple also needs to nurture and build their relationship so they have something solid to stand on. Couple counseling or pre-marital counseling is recommended. For the family to thrive their union needs to thrive.

Make space for excitement and grief.

Acknowledging that family members can experience both the excitement of the new family and still grieve the one they had is important. This is the time to support children and spouses as they go through the normal feelings of change and transition. This can be especially true if children experience the death of a parent. Moving on can be viewed as betrayal and these truths need to be held and understood with empathy and support.

Manage co-parenting expectations.

For those with ex-partners who are still alive, there needs to be a level of respect and civility. Adherence to co-parenting agreements needs to be upheld. Helping children maintain a good relationship with their other parent can be a huge source of comfort for them and hence they can adapt to the new arrangement quicker.

Have realistic expectations.

It is important to establish and communicate expectations. However, to avoid frustration and discouragement one must have realistic expectations, especially with children. Being understanding and adaptable will be essential, especially in the first few months.

Ask for help.

One of the advantages of blended families is that one adopts a large pool of extended family members who can offer help and assistance whenever needed. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles are available to fill in for the parents when schedules clash or if they need extra help as they settle the children.

Christian family counseling

If you feel you and your family might need some outside input and professional assistance, get in touch with our offices. At Agoura Christian Counseling in California, we have qualified family counselors who are ready to support you and your family as you start this journey.

Human beings are fundamentally relational – we need consistently healthy relationships. We often derive our sense of identity, confidence, and safety from our relationships with other people, and this is both a natural thing and a potentially problematic thing at the same time.

If our relationships are healthy and we have a secure sense of ourselves, we can relate to others and to ourselves in a way that is meaningful and creates flourishing. However, if our relationships are not healthy or we have fundamental issues in our self-understanding, that can cause serious problems in our lives. Agoura Christian Counseling can provide support and guidance in navigating these challenges.

If you seek approval from others to the point that you distort your own value system, that is not good for you or your relationships. Because we are so deeply relational, it’s far too easy not only for dysfunction to take root but for it to spread because we’re not sealed off from one another.

How to cultivate healthy relationships.

Is there a way to cultivate consistently healthy relationships or are we doomed to have dysfunction within our lives? Below or a few ways to help us develop our relationships into healthy spaces not only for ourselves but for the people with whom we relate.

Create and maintain healthy boundaries.

Every relationship that seeks to be healthy needs healthy boundaries. Boundaries are the way that we create distinction between ourselves and other people; they announce that this is where I end, and this is where you begin.

Having a very clear sense of ourselves, who we are, what our specific needs are, and being able to distinguish them from the needs of other people are very important elements in maintaining healthy relationships.

Dysfunctions, such as codependency, develop when two people do not have a very clear sense of who they are, or they far too easily blur the lines between their needs and the needs of others. For healthy relationships the people who are within those relationships have to have clear identities of their own.

To create and maintain healthy boundaries, you have to have some sense of your needs and your personality. There are many different kinds of boundaries you can create that are helpful for ensuring that you needs are met and that your individuality is not violated.

Within a romantic or intimate relationship, you can create boundaries regarding issues as diverse as privacy, how you use social media, how you spend your free time, how you engage in conversations or have arguments, how you spend money or deal with money issues in the relationship, sexual boundaries, and so much more.

When you create these boundaries, this is a way for your romantic partner for instance to know what it is you need and to know how best to honor that. When you let the other person know what you need, you are alerting them to how they can best love you and care for you.

Setting boundaries is also a good way to protect yourself from going in a direction that ends up violating your values. Instead of thinking of boundaries and something that stifles a relationship, boundaries actually help a relationship to thrive because the people in that relationship know how to love one another and they know that the other person is indeed just that — another person.

If and when your boundaries need to be asserted, you can decide how to proceed at that point, whether by asserting the consequence is that you stated when you first outlined the boundary or by choosing to rework the boundary where needed.

For instance, you may set a boundary that you will leave the room if the other person starts yelling at you. You will need to follow through with this boundary every time the other person starts yelling for them to understand you are serious about the boundary.

Be open to rebuke and change.

None of us is perfect. Being aware of that one fact can make a world of difference in a relationship. Whether it is a relationship between a parent and child, siblings, colleagues, neighbors, spouses, or any other relationship, knowing that neither you nor the other person is perfect is invaluable truth in helping you to cultivate healthy relationships.

When we know that we’re imperfect we know that we will make mistakes. One of the things that can undermine a relationship is not that people make mistakes, but that they don’t admit it.

Not owning up to our mistakes and wanting to be seen as right all the time can cause bitterness and resentment in relationships. If we own up to our imperfections and we recognize that we do make mistakes, that openness to change will make for a relationship that can grow stronger.

Additionally, when we know our own weaknesses, we’re able to empathize with the weaknesses of others. We’re able to create space for them to grow just as we need to grow. Healthy relationships are those in which we are willing to allow others and ourselves to fail, but also create room to get back up again.

Be willing to apologize and forgive.

Along with recognizing the fact of our imperfections and our inability to get everything right, one of the key ingredients to cultivating healthy relationships is to harness the power of a good apology and being able to forgive. An apology is one of the most meaningful things we can do when we mess up.

Not only is a sincere apology something that is born out of deep reflection and in awareness of a failure, but it is also an expression of commitment to the relationship and the desire to do better in future.

When you apologize you are saying that you know that you were wrong in what you said or did, you are aware of how your actions impacted the other person, and that you know that your actions are not acceptable. Not only does this help in healing their relationship and promoting its health, but this is how we grow as people.

Along with this willingness and ability to apologize is the willingness and ability to forgive when other people do things that hurt us. Being able to forgive other people is not easy.

After all, our natural inclination might be to make them feel our pain and to wield a certain kind of power over them because of their indiscretion. This natural inclination will harden our hearts, and we risk making bitterness and resentment a permanent fixture in our relationships.

While forgiveness isn’t easy, it is a necessary part of any healthy relationship. Thankfully, for the believer our ability to forgive others flows from how we have been abundantly and graciously forgiven by our Heavenly father.

We are able to pass on the gift of being forgiven to others because we have ourselves been forgiven. As Desmond Tutu once said, “Without forgiveness there is no future,” and that counts as much for personal relationships as it does for a nation.

Measure your expectations.

In a relationship, one of the things that can cause aggravation, frustration, and anger as well as disappointment is that people don’t meet our expectations. These expectations may be legitimate, such as when one spouse expects the other spouse to keep their vows and not have either an emotional or physical affair with someone else.

Other expectations which we sometimes need to manage include things from everyday life such as chores or the kinds of behavior we expect from family members. In some cases, we need to communicate our expectations clearly, and this circles back a little bit to the point about boundaries.

For instance, if you’re a stay-at-home mom and you spend the whole day talking to little people, you may have expectations and the desire for meaningful conversation with your husband when he gets home from work. You want an adult conversation, and as much as you have missed your husband, you may expect that he has missed you just as much and wants to immediately jump into a conversation with you as soon as he gets home.

That expectation may be shattered. Perhaps he doesn’t want to get into a conversation as soon as he gets home; he’d rather take half an hour to decompress first before he’s ready to talk. That is a conversation that you need to have and an expectation that you may need to manage.

Or you may be a husband who desires to have sex with his wife regularly, but if she is exhausted on most days you may have to shift your expectations of lovemaking every night towards something more realistic. Or if you are friends with someone, you can’t expect that they will come and pick you up at a moment’s notice. After all, they do have a life of their own.

When you manage your expectations of the other person, not only does it shield you from undue disappointment, but it also helps you to protect the other person and allow them to flourish. Our expectations, as meaningful as they are to us, may be stifling for others, and so we need to measure those expectations and have frank conversations about those expectations.

In this way we can cultivate relationships where we are having our needs met, but we’re also seeking to meet the needs of the other person.

Healthy relationships are gifts that require consistent work and investments of ourselves. If you need more help to cultivate consistently healthy relationships, you can receive customized help from a Christian counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling, who will offer valuable insight and perspective based on biblical principles.

Finding a partner to share our lives with, someone to help us navigate life is one of the joys of being on this earth. Life can be hard when we go alone. When we are looking for this person to share our lives with, we hope that they are loving, supportive, compassionate, and respectful, among other qualities. These qualities make room for healthy relationships, marriages, and ultimately healthy families.

Though this is the ideal for relationships, and most people hope to have this kind of love, some people, unfortunately, end up with toxic partners. Toxic partners bring a lot of negativity to the relationship by being unsupportive, demeaning, disrespectful, and at times violent.

Instead of filling you up and being a source of encouragement, toxic relationships can leave you worse off, with your self-esteem shredded, and questioning your value or worth.

Granted, any relationship is hard. Many of us go through life without being taught how to relate to other people and in turn, we can hurt those we love unintentionally and vice-versa. However, a relationship becomes toxic when one or both partners are out to hurt the other person intentionally. Agoura Christian Counseling can help you navigate and heal from such harmful relationships.

Most of us might experience moments when our spouse is not the best, when they might disrespect us here or there. What determines that a relationship is toxic is the frequency of said negative behaviors. This way of living becomes the norm for the couple in this situation.

Behaviors of toxic couples.

All relationships face their challenges and couples find healthy ways of resolving conflicts. No marriage is without its troubles. However, certain patterns can be seen in couples that can be termed toxic and should be a cause for concern if not addressed in time.

One major reason why toxic behavior in marriages or relationships needs to be addressed is that in certain instances it intensifies to become abusive, violent, and life-threatening. Toxicity in relationships can be seen in how a couple relates to each other. Below are some red flags to look out for. If one or both partners behave in any of the following consistently, it might be time to seek help.

Lack of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to feel for another in times of distress. Toxic partners do not possess this ability. They cannot show compassion and in turn, live to hurt and harm. They are cruel in how they relate to their partner and others. These toxic partners lack the willingness to understand other points of view, which means they are always right.

Demeaning the other.

A person who belittles your viewpoints, beliefs, and contributions as silly or stupid is toxic. We all need a sense of being seen and understood, but when you have a partner who often puts you down, whether in private or in public, it can be hard to build a future together. These partners have a sense of superiority and are critical of what you do or say.

Use of anger as a weapon.

These are the bad-tempered partners who use anger as a form of control. These partners make the home unsafe because everyone, including the children, will be walking on eggshells around them. It is hard to know what will set them off, which means that the inhabitants of that home are constantly being vigilant and anxious. The angry party feels powerful when intimidating others.

Insecurity.

Insecure partners can be hard to please and they can also be dangerous. Due to their insecurity, they are in constant need of validation and approval, which most times seems not to be enough. If your partner is insecure, it can be incredibly draining to try and prop them up all the time. Their constant need for recognition and approval can lend you in their firing line if you disapprove of anything they do, they take it personally.

Always playing the victim.

There are situations in which you tell your partner how much they hurt you, and you find yourself at the end of that conversation comforting them instead. Partners like this will always find a way to make everything about them. They blame you for everything, even for treating you badly. They find a way of twisting the truth so that you end up taking care of their hurt and disappointment. This also ties into their inability to be empathetic.

Possessiveness and jealousy.

This trait is common in toxic partners. Due to a lot of reasons, these partners are in constant need of reassurance of fidelity. They do not trust easily. They become angry and sometimes abusive if they suspect that you are not being truthful with them. These partners can be dangerous as their inability to trust can lead them to be violent in situations where they suspect infidelity.

Not pulling their weight.

Another toxic trait is that of a passive partner. This is someone who does not take responsibility for the relationship or major life decisions. They leave everything to their partner. This lack of responsibility can leave the other partner feeling resentful and overwhelmed.

Unreliability.

The perks of being in a committed relationship are that you know that your partner has your back, and you know you can count on them to show up for you when you need them. However, when you have a partner that lies, does not keep their word, or simply dismisses their responsibility, it can make it hard to build a future together.

Effects on toxic couples.

• Mental health toll due to increased stress and anxiety.
• Low self-esteem as a result of demeaning and unsupportive relating.
• Isolation that comes as a result of being cut off from family and friends, and constant drama.
• You are not seen, heard, loved, or validated.
• Your physical health is put at risk as a result of the emotional toll and exhaustion you feel in the presence of a toxic partner (examples are: high blood pressure, ulcers, and a compromised immune system).
• Unsafe home environment for your children.
• Abuse, violence, and in some instances death.

How toxic couples can stop.

To say a couple is toxic is not to say that it cannot be saved or restored. Most people can find love and joy on the other side of toxicity, it is however important to note that for any relationship to be restored, both parties need to be willing to put in the work, accept their roles and make amends.

It is also important to note that as much as we want, we cannot change anyone, so if your partner is not willing to change or at least seek help, below are some ways you can protect yourself.

• If the relationship is toxic to the extent of being violent and abusive, please remove yourself and the children as soon as it is safe to do so and seek help.
• Create, communicate, and enforce boundaries in situations where you might need to protect yourself from your partner’s toxic behavior.
• Be assertive in communicating your discomfort, needs, and fears.
• Go for couples counseling to have a third party help you both break the cycle of toxicity. Even if your partner does not want to go, you can go alone to get help for coping and maintaining your mental health.

Next steps.

It can sometimes be hard for toxic couples to tell that they are in a toxic relationship. Most of us might look at the troubles and patterns and think that maybe it is the way marriage or relationship should be. Relationships are hard work, but if any of the characteristics discussed gave you pause, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me or one of the other counselors listed on our website.

We are here to help you and your partner evaluate your relationship and get tools to help you move forward. Contact our office today at Agoura Christian Counseling.

Dating and romantic relationships in the 21^st century are a messy and complicated minefield to wade through. People aren’t working from the same dating playbook, and not only that but many voices are clamoring to give dating advice for men about relationships.

It’s important to stop and think about the advice one receives, to discern whether it makes sense or represents reality, and one way to sort out what works and what doesn’t is to see the outcome of such advice. Many examples of heartbreak and unhealthy relationships result from unwise advice, which is why seeking guidance from Agoura Christian Counseling can be invaluable.

What then is a man to do if he wants to enter the dating pool? There are a few pieces of dating advice for men to consider.

Dating advice for men: How to pursue dating well

As with most things, tips for anything aren’t a one size fits all. You need to decide what’s appropriate for you and your circumstances, as well as what will meet your needs.

Wisdom is often gained through painful experiences, but you can also learn by watching the mistakes of others. So, look at your peers with care and consider if what you and they’re doing is effective, or if yours simply chasing your tails and possibly sabotaging yourselves.

Avoid messy situations. There are any number of entanglements that a man can find himself in, such as being with a married woman, or returning to an ex when past issues haven’t been addressed.

The Biblical book of Proverbs in chapters 5-7 gives ample warning about getting entangled with someone in a non-exclusive situation, and while nostalgia can erase and romanticize your past, getting back together with an ex without having addressed your reasons for breaking up is a huge mistake. Other messy situations involve dating multiple women simultaneously.

Do the hard work. There’s a sense in which getting into relationships is easy because there are many people afraid of loneliness who’d rather be with someone than alone, even if it’s not wise. That goes for you too.

Instead of bouncing from one relationship to another, taking your wounds with you into the next situation, do the hard work of reflecting on and dealing with your hurts so that you don’t make your past problems some other woman’s issue to resolve.

No woman is meant to fix you – that’s something you can bring to the Lord and work out through counseling. It’s far too much unhealthy pressure to expect a relationship to heal you. Additionally, do the hard work of growing as a communicator, which includes empathetic listening.

Be intentional. Not everyone is a planner by nature, but you have to put thought into your relationships. One reason for this is that it’s easy to mislead and disappoint yourself and other people.

Being intentional in dating is often eschewed; sometimes people prefer “situationships” to relationships, and that often means dwelling in a nebulous realm of uncertainty about what you’re doing and why.

Knowing what you want and being clear about it can be seen as too strong up front, but part of that depends on how you express your intentions. You don’t have to ask about marriage and kids on the first date, but you can ask if she’s getting into dating to look for something serious or not.

Being intentional also means being willing to own your desires and intentions for the relationship. Playing “the game” may be thrilling, but your integrity may compel you to move past manipulation, to be honest and vulnerable about what you want.

Be clear in your mind about why you want to date, and whether your motives are honorable before the Lord. If the person you’re dating isn’t the person you want to go forward with, let them know as soon and as clearly as possible. Don’t string a woman along because you can’t cut ties with her.

Have and maintain your boundaries. This is connected to being intentional because it’s easy to be drawn into what the other person wants. Your boundaries are about who you are, and what demarcates you as an individual from the other person. Of course, when you date someone their sheer difference, creativity, and personality may push you beyond your comfort zones, but you should know what lines you’re not willing to cross.

These boundaries, such as about money, intimacy, how you communicate, how you spend your time together, and how you interact on social media, allow you to have your individual needs met in a mutually beneficial way. The other side of this is honoring her boundaries.

Find accountability. When men gather to talk about their relationships with women, it’s not always constructive, vulnerable, or honest. Accountability is about having a sounding board and a space to debrief.

When emotions and sexual tension are involved, self-control, purity, and godly wisdom often fall by the wayside. Find a wise, godly man or couple you can speak to about your relationships, or consider seeing a counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling who can create a safe space for you to unpack your relationship.

Dating can be complicated for both men and women, but it’s possible to wisely navigate this season. If you’re looking for additional dating advice for men, consider seeing a counselor to help you unpack any fears, past hurts, or areas of concern.

Over half of the American adult population has a close friend group of between two and five close friends, but not every connection we maintain is a fruitful friendship. Some friendships can be damaging and toxic.

Friendship often means persevering with someone’s occasional bad behavior and, in turn, having someone put up with your own. We all have baggage, things to work on, and days where we are not the best version of ourselves. But what is the difference between a normal, occasionally messy friendship and a toxic one?

Warning signs of a toxic friendship.

A toxic friendship is one in which a damaged person, under the guise of being a “friend,” manipulates, dominates, and exploits you for gain. This perpetrator is someone who is not simply having a bad day or a tough month; instead, their bad behavior is a repeated pattern. This person will mask their true motivations with seemingly good behavior. In this way, they benefit from your attention, time, and resources for as long as it takes for you to identify them as toxic. Agoura Christian Counseling can help you recognize and navigate such unhealthy relationships.

Here are some warning signals that your friendship might be toxic:

Failure to apologize or acknowledge guilt.

A toxic friendship is one in which you rarely hear apologies. Instead, you might hear sentences like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry, but it’s not that bad.” These appear as apologies, but they are simply tactics to diffuse tension and avoid taking responsibility.

By contrast, a healthy friend will hear you out when you express that they have upset you. They will seek to understand how and why you were hurt and will apologize and pledge to work on the issue. You will be able to speak to them about the issue, whereas the toxic friend might not even make themselves approachable in the first place.

Demanding your attention without reciprocation.

There are times when a good friend may invade our space at inconvenient times because they need a listening ear, our perspective, or our advice. This is what friendship is for, and it is acceptable if it goes both ways.

If you cannot approach that same friend in the same way, then that friend could be preying upon a weakness or insecurity of yours and could be exploiting you. This behavior is toxic and over time could deplete you of energy, compassion, and practical resources.

Attempts to change you.

A good friend may observe and bring to light certain things that you were not aware of about yourself. This might feel confrontational, but if they intend to help you, it can be valuable. You may benefit from adjusting something, or at least having a conversation about it.

However, the toxic friend often involves themselves in minute details of your life, seeking to change and mold aspects of your identity. They may compare you to someone else or regularly criticize the way you look or act. If you regularly feel diminished or ashamed of yourself after spending time with them, then they are not helping you, and this is an indicator of a toxic friendship.

Damages your surrounding relationships.

If one of your friends constantly gossips about the rest of your friend group, proceed with caution. The toxic friendship generally has an insecure attachment style stemming from unresolved trauma and emotional damage.

They can be possessive and clingy, desiring your full attention and resentful of anyone with whom they have to share you. It is best to avoid gossip in general, much more so when it involves your immediate friend group or romantic partner, or spouse.

Sometimes it is easier to identify a problematic friend by observing the way that you feel after having spent time with them. A toxic friendship will have you feeling worse for having been in their company.

You may feel drained, find that your self-esteem is lower, or maybe you just have an unsettled feeling. You might not be able to articulate your feelings, but you just know something is “off.” The unsettled feeling you have is an effect of having been manipulated.

Pay attention to your stress or anxiety levels around your friend. People with toxic behavior can be unpredictable in their moods and motives. If you find yourself “walking on eggshells” around them, or treating them like a bomb about to explode, chances are that they are manipulating you to treat them a certain way.

Choosing a course of action.

Prolonged exposure to a toxic friend is likely to lead to damaged emotions, affected health both mental and physical, and worse. It may not be easy to take actionable steps away from the friendship, especially in the case of them being a work colleague or relative. However, you always have options, including the following.

Addressing the issue.

You can try to determine how open this friend would be to recovery from their toxic behavior. To begin this process, start a dialogue using “I” statements. For example, tell them that “I feel very undervalued when you ___”, or “I feel ashamed when you make jokes about me in front of our mutual friends.” They must hear the impact of their behavior, and it will be empowering for you to express your feelings to them if nothing else.

Taking a break from the friendship for perspective.

If you have said your piece and received an unsatisfactory response, initiating a break from the friendship might be necessary. This will provide a respite for you and hopefully some perspective for them. Be sure to explain why you would like to take a break from the friendship, and outline what that would look like. For example, you tell them not to contact you for a week, after which you will have a conversation again to hear their thoughts.

Setting and maintaining boundaries.

If it feels positive to reinitiate the friendship, it will be very important for you to set boundaries going forward. Outline the behavior you won’t accept, like lying, shouting, negativity, putting others down with insults, gossip, and demands on your time. Establish that, should these boundaries be breached, then the friendship is effectively over. This will be a good chance for the friend with toxic behavior to learn about repercussions and accountability.

Calling them out.

You may find that your life has vastly improved without them in it, and that may be the indicator showing that you are better off without their friendship. If this is the case, part ways from them clearly and decisively. Prepare the conversation you will have with them in writing. Writing it down may help marshal your thoughts and better express your feelings. Having a practice version of the conversation with a trusted friend or partner may help you refine the message.

Be firm, decisive, and direct. They may react emotionally, even aggressively to you bringing an end to the friendship. If this happens, state and restate your position calmly and then remove yourself from the situation physically. For the empaths, this may be a very difficult thing to do. However, your priority should always be your mental health and emotional wellbeing. 

The aftermath.

It is perfectly natural to experience a spectrum of emotions after exiting a toxic friendship. The emotional gamut can range from joy and relief at being away from the person to embarrassment and shame for ever having trusted them, to guilt and regret cutting them out of your life.

During this time, it will be important to lean into the positive and healthy friendships that remain and draw from their support and availability. Of course, it is entirely plausible that your trust in people might have been affected because of whatever might have transpired in the negative friendship. It may take time to learn to be vulnerable with friends again, in which case, you need to draw near to the people you know you can absolutely trust.

Engaging in hobbies, catching up with other friend circles, and practicing whatever self-care regimens work for you will be vital to your next chapter. It may take time to end a toxic friendship, including time to recognize one. But there is a way through and out to healing on the other side.

You might benefit most from talking to a counselor about the situation with the toxic friendship. Whichever stage from which you find yourself navigating the situation, a trained counselor at Agoura Christian Counseling will represent a neutral party and one that is invested in your healing. Please do not hesitate to book an appointment with us. The counselors at our office are ready to help.

If you have a blended family, you want the best for everyone involved. Here are some tips for a blended family like yours. If you need additional help, don’t hesitate to reach out to a Christian counselor, at Agoura Christian Counseling, who is experienced in helping blended families navigate their unique challenges.

Tips for your blended family.

Communicate openly and honestly with all family members, including children.

Communication is key in blended families to ensure that everyone’s needs and feelings are heard and understood. Some tips for effective communication in blended families include:

• Encourage open and honest communication among all family members.
• Set aside regular family meetings or check-ins to discuss any concerns or issues that may have arisen.
• Listen actively and without judgment to each family member’s perspective.
• Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, rather than placing blame on others.
• Be willing to compromise and find solutions that work for everyone.
• Make sure to have one-on-one conversations with children in the blended family to understand their feelings and address any concerns they may have.
• Encourage children to communicate openly and honestly with their stepparents and step-siblings.
• Be patient and understanding when dealing with any communication challenges that may arise in the blended family, as it can take time for everyone to adjust to a new family dynamic.

It’s important to remember that communication is an ongoing process and it’s essential to keep working on it to keep the family healthy, happy, and safe.

Establish clear boundaries and rules for behavior within the blended family.

Establishing boundaries in blended families is important to ensure that everyone feels respected and valued. Here are some tips for establishing boundaries in blended families:

• Clearly define roles and responsibilities for each member of the blended family.
• Set clear boundaries for behavior and respect the boundaries of others.
• Establish consistent discipline and consequences for any behavior that is not acceptable.
• Set boundaries for personal time, space, and privacy for each family member.
• Encourage open communication and respect for each other’s feelings and opinions.
• Establish boundaries for blending family traditions and values, while also being open to learning and respecting new traditions.
• Be clear about expectations for communication, such as frequency and mode of contact for non-custodial parents and step-parents.
• Be willing to negotiate and adjust boundaries as needed to ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

It’s important to remember that boundaries are not meant to be rigid and can change over time as the family dynamic evolves. It is important to review and adjust boundaries as needed. It’s important to involve all the family members in the process of setting and adjusting boundaries, especially the children in the family, to make sure everyone feels heard and respected.

Show patience and understanding towards each family member’s situation and feelings.

Blended families can have a wide range of unique feelings among family members due to the complex dynamics involved. Some common feelings among family members in blended families include:

Jealousy. Children may feel jealous of the attention and affection given to step-siblings or step-parents, while step-parents may feel jealous of the biological parent’s relationship with their step-children.

Resentment. Children may resent the presence of a step-parent or step-siblings, while step-parents may resent the child’s attachment to their biological parent.

Guilt. Children may feel guilty for wanting to spend time with their biological parent or for feeling loyalty towards them, while step-parents may feel guilty for not being able to replace the biological parent.

Loneliness. Children may feel lonely if they are not able to form close relationships with their step-siblings or step-parents, while step-parents may feel lonely due to a lack of emotional connection with their step-children.

Grief. Children may experience grief over the loss of the previous family structure, while step-parents may grieve the loss of the traditional parent-child relationship.

Anxiety. Children may feel anxious about the changes in their family structure, while step-parents may feel anxious about their role in the family.

It’s important to remember that these feelings are normal and can change over time as the family dynamic evolves. It’s important to provide emotional support and understanding to all family members to help them cope with these feelings. Encourage open communication and seek professional counseling or therapy if necessary.

Encourage and facilitate relationships between step-siblings, step-parents, and children.

Fostering individual relationships within a blended family can be challenging, but each family member needs to have their own personal connections within the family. Here are some tips for fostering individual relationships in blended families:

Encourage one-on-one time. Set aside time for each family member to spend alone with their step-parent, step-sibling, or biological parent.

Respect individuality. Recognize and respect the unique personalities, interests, and needs of each family member.

Provide opportunities for shared interests. Encourage family members to participate in activities or hobbies that they enjoy together.

Encourage open communication. Create an environment where family members feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings.

Show appreciation. Show appreciation for each family member’s accomplishments and milestones.

Practice empathy. Try to understand and empathize with each family member’s perspective and feelings.

Be patient. Building individual relationships can take time, so be patient and understanding as family members adjust to the new dynamic.

Seek professional help if needed. If there are any challenges or conflicts that arise, seek professional counseling or therapy to work through them.

It’s important to remember that each person in the blended family is unique and you should encourage and support the development of individual relationships within the family. Building individual relationships within the blended family can take time and effort, but with patience, understanding, and open communication, it is possible to create a loving and supportive family unit.

Take time to celebrate each family member’s accomplishments and milestones.

Celebrating each family member’s accomplishments is important in blended families for several reasons:

• It helps to build a sense of unity and belonging within the family. When family members feel recognized and celebrated for their accomplishments, they are more likely to feel valued and connected to the family as a whole.
• It helps to foster self-esteem and confidence in each family member. Recognizing and celebrating accomplishments can help to boost self-esteem and confidence, especially in children, as it helps them to feel that they are making a valuable contribution to the family.
• It helps to create positive memories and traditions within the blended family. Celebrating accomplishments together can create positive memories and traditions that can help to bring the family together.
• It helps to build stronger relationships among family members. When family members celebrate each other’s accomplishments, they are more likely to develop stronger and more supportive relationships with one another.
• It helps to acknowledge the unique roles and contributions of each family member. Celebrating accomplishments can help to acknowledge the unique roles and contributions of each family member and can help to promote a sense of individuality within the blended family.
• It helps to create an environment of positivity, support, and encouragement within the blended family. Celebrating accomplishments can help to create an environment of positivity, support, and encouragement, which is important for the overall well-being and development of all family members.

In a blended family, it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate each family member’s accomplishments, no matter how big or small, as it can help to build a strong, supportive, and loving family unit.

Show appreciation and gratitude toward your partner for their role in the blended family.

Showing appreciation and gratitude towards your partner for their role in the blended family is important to maintain a healthy and strong relationship. Here are eight ways to show appreciation and gratitude toward your partner:

1. Express your feelings verbally. Tell your partner how much you appreciate and value their role in the blended family.
2. Show affection. Show physical affection such as hugs, kisses, and holding hands to show your appreciation for your partner.
3. Show appreciation through actions. Show your appreciation by doing things that show you care, such as cooking a special meal or doing a household chore without being asked.
4. Show support. Show your support by being there for your partner, listening to their concerns, and offering help when needed.
5. Show appreciation through gifts. Give small gifts or tokens of appreciation to show your partner how much you care.
6. Show gratitude by recognizing their hard work and effort. Show gratitude by recognizing and acknowledging the hard work and effort your partner puts into making the blended family work.
7. Show appreciation by taking time for each other. Show appreciation by taking time to spend together and make memories.
8. Show appreciation by saying “Thank you”. Saying a simple “Thank you” can go a long way in showing your appreciation and gratitude towards your partner.

It’s important to remember that showing appreciation and gratitude towards your partner is an ongoing process, and it’s important to make it a habit to show your partner how much you care and appreciate them for their role in the blended family.

Be patient and seek extra help when needed.

Keep in mind that building a blended family can take time and patience, but with open communication and understanding, it can become a loving and successful family unit.

Seek professional counseling or therapy if necessary to work through any challenges or conflicts that may arise. If you feel stuck in any area, reach out to a qualified Christian counselor, at Agoura Christian Counseling, today for help.

A narcissist and codependent relationship is an association between two dysfunctional people who have complementary emotional imbalances, who depend on each other to fulfill their needs, and who tend to reinforce each other’s unhealthy behaviors.

The codependent person needs to be needed and will go above and beyond for the people he or she loves. The narcissist is selfish and egotistical and expects everyone else to go above and beyond for him or her. The two are irresistibly attracted to one another and form a toxic union based on an inequality of power. The codependent partner is always on the giving end, and the narcissist one does all the taking.

Although narcissists and codependents may seem like polar opposites, they have several traits in common such as being driven by self-doubt, insecurity, and a fear of being seen for who they really are. Agoura Christian Counseling can help individuals understand and address these patterns, offering support to navigate and heal from these challenging dynamics.

Characteristics shared by both narcissists and codependents.

Dependency

Narcissists and codependents both struggle with their sense of identity. They have lost connection with their real selves, and depend on other people for validation and self-worth. The narcissist seeks to feel powerful, respected, and admired to boost his or her poor self-image, whereas the codependent needs to feel needed to feel significant.

Shame

Narcissists and codependents share a deep sense of shame and inferiority, which they try to cover up in different ways. The codependent by sacrificing his or her own needs to seek the approval and affection of others, and the narcissist by acting superior to everyone else to prove his or her worth.

Denial

Narcissists and codependents are both in denial of their feelings. Instead of being real, they project an image of how they want to be seen. Codependents cater to the needs of others, pretending they don’t have any of their own, while narcissists cover up their feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy by expressing anger, rage, or contempt.

Control

Narcissists and codependents both need to control others, but the codependent person does so more covertly. Whereas the narcissist will use manipulation to get a partner to provide the validation and praise she needs, the codependent will try to control loved ones by being empathetic and giving to demonstrate his value to them.

He may be willing to sacrifice everything to satisfy his needs, not out of true selflessness, but because he thinks it’s the only way he can keep them from leaving.

Lack of boundaries

Narcissists do not have boundaries and will ignore and/or overstep the boundaries of others. Codependents have hazy boundaries and tend to say yes when they want to say no because they think it’s their only choice. This makes it easy for the narcissist to take advantage of them.

Dysfunctional communication

Narcissists try to dominate all channels of communication. They won’t listen to their codependent partner because their only interest is to stay in control, and they don’t care what their partner thinks or how she feels. Codependents will allow themselves to be controlled rather than stand up for themselves because they fear upsetting their narcissistic partner and causing him to leave.

Fear of intimacy

Although the narcissist and codependent need and enable each other, they are afraid to connect on a deeper level. They both have a fear of intimacy. Neither of them sees the true self of the other because they are interacting with mental constructs each has created to reinforce his or her self-image.

What attracts the narcissist and codependent to each other?

The narcissist is self-centered, controlling, and feels entitled to have his wants met above everyone else’s. He is looking for someone who will boost his self-esteem and cater to his every need. The codependent is more than willing to fill this role. This makes for a natural attraction between the two.

At first, it seems like a match made in heaven. The codependent has found a partner she can pour herself into, and the narcissist has found someone who will always put him first.

What sours the relationship between narcissist and codependent?

Codependents have trouble acting independently or making decisions for themselves. They don’t like being alone and feel they must always be in a relationship. They are overly eager to please, over-dependent on others, and tend to gravitate towards controlling partners.

Their sense of self-worth comes through being able to meet the needs of others, and they are always looking for someone to take care of to boost their confidence. More often than not, they will mistake feeling needed for being loved.

Enter the self-centered narcissist who feels the world centers around him.

Narcissists have no sense of compassion or empathy towards others and feel no guilt or remorse about exploiting them. They feel entitled to place their feelings, wants, and/or needs above anyone else’s, and are drawn to the eager-to-please codependent.

At the beginning of the relationship, narcissists will emulate good behavior to create an image that will impress their potential partner, sweeping her off her feet, and making her feel a connection she has never felt before.

They will act attentive, charming, and caring, wooing her with seduction tactics such as gifts, compliments, and romantic overtures to manipulate and lure the unsuspecting codependent into their trap. The codependent feels special and is easily sucked in.

Once the narcissist knows the co-dependent is hooked, he drops the charm and gradually replaces the adoring behavior with disdain and criticism.

At first, the codependent partner thrives on being able to help the narcissist and cater to his needs, but this turns to disappointment when his kindness is not met with appreciation. She craves the love and attention the narcissist first showered on her at the beginning of the relationship, and works harder to try and please his narcissistic partner in an attempt to recreate it, but to no avail since it was never genuine to begin with. It was just a form of manipulation based on ulterior motives.

Narcissists only value their codependent partners as long as they are willing to sacrifice their wants and needs to please them. They feel entitled to the codependent’s love, sacrifice, and care, and will use tactics such as emotional abuse, insults, and gaslighting to devalue them and make them feel inadequate. They will also project traits they don’t like in themselves onto their codependent partner and shame them for those traits.

Since narcissists are out of touch with their feelings and their true selves, and codependents derive their sense of self from feeling needed in their relationship, they are unable to form a meaningful bond with one another. What starts out looking like a perfect match can morph into a toxic nightmare.

The codependent blames themself for the narcissistic partner’s discontent, and the relationship turns into a dysfunctional cycle of approval and rejection. The codependent tries to gain back the narcissist’s favor and the narcissist receives the attention he craves without having to do anything in return. Occasionally, the narcissist will string the codependent partner along with just enough contrived attention to keep hope alive.

Seeking the help of a trained mental health professional can help turn things around. If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at Agoura Christian Counseling in our online directory, please reach out and give us a call today.