5 Steps for Effective Listening

By choosing to practice effective listening, you can dramatically improve the quality of your relationships. But how do you do this? Today we’ll outline the five steps of effective listening that you can put into play in all your relationships.

What Is Effective Listening?

Effective listening counteracts the shortening attention spans and selfishness that is growing in our fast-paced culture. It helps people feel loved and affirmed with very little time or effort on your part. As you work on becoming a better listener, the people around you will feel the love of God through you.

Ironically, most of us find it more difficult to listen well to those who are closest to us, most often our family members. Since we are sinful by nature, sometimes we overlook the importance of putting our loved ones first. But when we start using effective listening with them, we can increase the respect and love in each of our relationships.

Wanting to learn how to listen better is an important first step. You need to learn more than simply paying better attention to what someone else is saying. A few specific skills will help you get much more from conversations with others. An intentional approach to interacting with others will help improve your relationships.

Effective listening isn’t difficult, but it involves a few key steps so your relationships can change for the better. Here are five steps to becoming a better listener.

1. Slow Down

To listen well, you must slow down enough to hear the other person. You can signal your body to slow down by deep breathing. While the other person is speaking, be mindful in the moment and look into their eyes while they are talking. When you slow down, you’ll pick up cues for better listening.

2. Don’t Interrupt

When you interrupt, you demonstrate that you are not listening to the other person. Interruption kills conversation. If you are tempted to interrupt, gently bite your tongue to keep from speaking. Pause and think through what you want to say and why you want to say it. You can stop interrupting people by thinking about the way you would like to be treated, which surely includes not being interrupted.

3. Take Mental Notes

Lots of people seem like they are listening when they are actually preparing what they will say when the other person stops talking. But to practice effective listening, you need to give the speaker your full attention while they are speaking. To stay on track, take mental notes as if you were transcribing the conversation. Get all the details down in your mind so you can have a more fruitful conversation when it’s your turn to talk.

4. Ask Thoughtful Questions

The more thoughtful your questions are, the higher the quality of your conversations will be. You can always say, “Tell me more about that,” which shows the speaker you are interested. When commenting, refer to details of what the speaker told you, and they will feel affirmed. To gain a full understanding of the conversation, you can ask for clarification or more information. Thoughtful questions will help you get the most out of the conversation.

5. Empathize and Affirm

Effective listening involves both empathy and affirmation. You can always say “That must be difficult,” even if you don’t agree with the speaker’s point of view. Affirmation is a way to bless the speaker. Words of affirmation include things like “You did a great job” or “that sounds like a good idea.” When you empathize and affirm the speaker, they will want to open up more.

These five tips can help you improve your listening skills in all your relationships. Here is another big tip for becoming a better listener.

The Practice of Active Listening

Active listening is a form of effective listening. It can open channels of communication that may feel blocked or frustrating. You can gain a deep understanding of the speaker through active listening, which will also increase the peace in your relationships.

An active listener offers affirmation and asks many clarifying questions. Here is an example of how active listening works between a teen and his mom.

Teen: “I don’t want to do chores on Saturdays. I’d much rather spend time with my friends.”

Mom: “Sounds to me like you are frustrated that you have chores to do on Saturdays. Is that correct?”

Teen: “I don’t mind doing chores, but I’d rather spread them out over more than one day. That will give me more time to be with my friends.”

Mom: “So you’d like to spread your chores out. Can you tell me more about how this might work?”

Teen: “If I do several chores on weeknights, then I can have my Saturdays free to be with my friends.”

Mom: “You want to switch from doing chores on Saturdays to doing them on weeknights. Did I get that right?”

Teen: “Yes, that’s right. If I get one chore done per day, I’m pretty sure I can still manage my homework and keep Saturdays free.”

Mom: “What I hear you saying is that you will do one chore per weekday and manage your homework, then you will be free on Saturdays. Did I miss anything?”

Teen: “No, you didn’t miss anything. Today I’ll do my laundry, okay?”

Though this example could have easily turned into a power struggle, the mom practiced active listening to keep the conversation clear, calm, and focused. The teen expressed his feelings without fear of being criticized or punished. The mom resisted making corrections or laying down the law with a heavy hand. This example shows how conversations can arrive at solutions much faster with active listening, which reduces conflict.

Active listening involves affirming the other person, withholding judgment and defensiveness, asking for clarification, and mutual respect. It’s a powerful way to increase the quality of your interactions with others.

How Effective Listening Improves Your Relationships

During conflict resolution, effective listening can be especially helpful. It is also helpful in the day-in, and day-out

movements of living. The more you pour into your relationships with your listening skills, the more your people will feel respected, honored, affirmed, and loved. These are some examples of how better listening skills will improve your relationships.

In your home, listening skills will bless both your marriage and your relationships with your children. Active listening helps you learn more about the feelings and thoughts of your spouse and children. All the effective listening skills above will create greater love between you and your loved ones.

In your extended family, you can also improve relationships between generations. You can use listening skills to build respect between you and your parents, siblings, and in-laws. A lack of defensiveness from you will strengthen those ties and encourage deeper conversations.

In the workplace, your improved listening skills will help you better comprehend what your boss requires from you. These skills will also improve communication with coworkers, clients, and customers. Others at work will be encouraged by your listening skills, which may inspire them to listen better too.

No matter where you find yourself, effective listening will help you establish better relationships. It’s a simple way to show the love of God to others through your actions and responses.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Issues

Improving your listening skills takes time. You’ll need to practice these skills over and over until they become more natural. It’s very tempting to fall back into more self-focused communication patterns. A Christian counselor can help you hone your effective listening skills, so they become second nature to you.

In counseling sessions, you’ll be able to role-play situations in which listening skills will pay off. To get one-on-one help with improving your listening skills, contact us today.