5 Ways to Help Children of Divorce

A divorce is a traumatic event, for the couple going through it, for their family and friends looking on, and, perhaps most notably, for the children of the parents whose marriage is splitting up. Children of divorce can sometimes be “forgotten” in terms of having their emotional pain acknowledged. This is because children do not always respond to situations predictably, and in many cases, adults will report that they are handling the circumstances remarkably well.

On the surface, they may appear to be extremely resilient, but the fact remains that a child’s emotional well-being is interwoven with the integrity of their parents’ marital wellbeing, and the break that happens between the mother and father in a divorce, happens within a child. They will feel broken in some way, and this has far-reaching effects, often more than those which are immediately apparent.

Children of divorce may experience depression, anxiety, addiction, anger, compulsions, and other damaging psychological effects, all of which may rise to the surface years after the event, and not even be perceived as being related to the divorce.

In some form, they will be more vulnerable to believing lies about their lovability, their ability to love others, and God’s love for them. This does not place judgment on divorced parents, but rather shines a light on the truth of what they’re going through, to help them in their healing process.

How to help children of divorce.

A practical way to improve the psychological impact of divorce on children is to manage how one acts toward and around one’s ex-spouse, provided that both parties are invested in being a part of the parenting journey. This interaction can dramatically influence a child’s perceptions of events and can create a sense of stability amidst the confusion. Some helpful principles include:

Show a united front.

Studies show that children of divorce who cope most effectively are from homes where parents make an intentional decision and effort to present a united front. This means that it is important for ex-spouses to see their role in meeting the needs of their children as separate from their own relationship, and they need to work hard to set differences aside to co-parent effectively.

Given that it is quite rare and perhaps impossible for a truly “amicable” divorce to ever occur, counseling with a trained therapist could assist in making this united front a reality, even if it is mostly exactly that – a front. Children are incredibly perceptive and are likely to notice animosity, although when they observe parents speaking calmly to one another and being united in their views on the child, they will be encouraged.

For example, saying to a child, “Your dad and I both agree that you have tried hard in your schoolwork this term” can inject them with a confidence boost and a sense of stability far beyond the simplicity of the statement.

Don’t delve into the past.

Children of divorce can be helped by parents who leave the past behind them and do not delve into issues pertaining to what led to the marital break-up. This is much more difficult for the spouse who has the majority of custody over the children, and who may be in an emotionally vulnerable space.

Once again, you must get the support you need to be able to grieve what has been lost, not only for your own wellbeing but so that you can faithfully carry out your responsibility as a parent. When co-parenting, ex-spouses should devise a new strategy that focuses on what needs to happen going forward.

This does not mean you must avoid bringing up memories related to their childhood, as one’s family history is an important part of building a sense of self and one’s place in the world, but viewing your post-divorce parenting chapter as paving a new way forward.

Avoid criticism at all costs.

There needs to be a fixed agreement that verbal attacks and negative attitudes about the other parent in the presence of the children aren’t allowed. Awareness that this is quite emotionally damaging to children who are already fragile as children of divorce, can be a motivator to refrain from dismissive remarks, regardless of how innocuous they are or how easily they slip off the tongue.

Christians are aware of the power of the tongue because (for example) James 3:5b-6 (NIV) warns us to “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”

It is also worth remembering that the tongue merely reflects what it is in the heart, and even though divorce will have caused terrible pain and distress, believers are called to forgive the other person completely, just as in Christ God has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32).

Keep discipline consistent.

Acting out and “bad behavior” is a common response by children of divorce. Children lack the emotional language necessary to articulate their pain, and so this is the only way they feel able to express themselves. This can also be linked to behaviors that were not previously tolerated but are now allowed as a result of a divided parenting front and emotionally distracted parents.

Parents acting out of guilt for what their child is going through can compensate with unhelpful allowances, which take away any remaining sense of security that the child has in their disciplinary boundaries. It is therefore helpful to discuss and agree on boundaries and methods of enforcing discipline so that there is as little deviation “in the rules” across households as possible.

Given that children who are coping with a divorce will have a propensity to test boundaries, highlighting this consistency as a key priority will go a long way toward promoting a sense of emotional security for the children.

Communicate changes to adults first.

Ex-spouses need to keep each other informed of any changes such as a move, new job, partner, or any other significant information. Making children of divorce the primary source of this sort of news puts them in the middle of an adult communication process and generates fear and tension.

Remember that a divorce can be the scariest thing a child can go through, and this can make them fearful in general, as everything they know as stable has been uprooted from under them. Being mindful of how and when new information is introduced can go a long way toward helping them with their anxiety.

While divorce is not part of God’s plan for families, the reality is that statistics show a startling one in two marriages end in divorce, and the numbers show little variation across Christian and non-Christian households. Children of divorce can suffer silently, with the emotional trauma playing out in various ways over the years.

Being able to help them by showing a united front in parenting, and making the decision to rule out name calling and blaming, can be instrumental in how they process and rationalize their pain.

Being able to internalize and externalize kind, objective communication with one’s ex-spouse requires much emotional strength and is probably best supported by counseling for all parties involved, at least until each family member has reached a place where there is a sense of stability and the “new normal” has been embraced.

Ultimately, God can work through a painful divorce to reveal himself as a kind, loving father who cares about his children and their difficult situation, who sees what is happening, and who has a plan for good things for their life and future.