8 Pointers for Dealing with Divorce in a Godly Way

Every marriage is its own unique story, bringing together two individuals who have their particular stories, personalities, gifts, and oddities. It’s easy to talk of marriages and divorces in terms of the statistics associated with  each, but what those numbers can obscure are the pain, joys, and everything in between that makes a marriage and that marks its breakdown until divorce happens.

And so even though divorce is a common enough occurrence in our culture, that doesn’t mean dealing with divorce is  an uncomplicated thing, or that the attempt to be godly in the process of getting divorced or in its wake is an easy thing.

Dealing with divorce in a godly way may seem a contradiction in terms. However, divorce happens for any number of reasons, and while the Bible makes it clear that flourishing and successful marriages are what the Lord intends and intended for us from the beginning (Genesis 2: 24; Matthew 19: 1-12), there are reasons such as infidelity and abandonment that can lead a couple toward divorce.

As with any other situation in life, we can deal with divorce in a manner that displays grace and wisdom, or we can make a bad situation worse by allowing the worst parts of ourselves to find expression. Divorce is complicated enough as is without introducing additional negative emotions and behaviors to the situation. Below are a few pointers that can help to make a difficult situation a little easier for you and the people around you.

8 Steps for Dealing with Divorce

1. Understand that it’s messy.

A divorce is a significant event in a person’s life. Losing your significant other in this manner unleashes grief, and grief is rarely if ever a neat and controlled process. Divorce can unleash grief because you’re laying dreams to rest and ending a significant chapter of your life.

Depending on the circumstances of the divorce, perhaps you may even be dealing with feelings of failure or betrayal. The stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – may be emotions that you feel on and off or in a haphazard manner for a long time. You may think you’re past the feelings of anger, for example, and then you come across a photo, or drive past a certain store, or look at your child’s face, and it all comes flooding back in.

The emotions that accompany divorce can be disorderly and messy, but if you expect that, you’ll be better prepared to deal with the emotions and difficulties that come with divorce. Another part that makes divorce a messy and complicated time is that you can’t predict or control how the people around you will react to what’s happened.

There are some things you can control, which we’ll get into shortly, but friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, and even your children will react to the divorce in their own way, and you can’t control those reactions.

2. Help your children to make sense of things.

Younger children will need more help to process what’s going on and what it means for them. They may or may not have noticed what was happening in your marriage, but it’s in their best interest for you and your ex to call a truce and do right by those children. Talk with them in simple and easy ways to understand.

Reassure them that they are loved and that what’s happened between mom and dad isn’t because of them and won’t affect how much they’re loved. Speak truthfully about what things might change, such as one of you moving out of the house, and provide them with space to ask questions. Talking with your children won’t be a once-off thing, but it’s an ongoing conversation that will come up in different situations as they process it and experience the reality of it all.

3. It’s not a competition.

Among the many things that happen in the process and aftermath of a divorce is the reality that divorce can unleash insecurities and fears. These fears may be about your assessment of yourself as a life partner and lover (“Am I enough?” “Am I lovable?” “Was it my fault?”), or they can be about whether you can cope with the financial pressures implied by divorce, or they may be rooted in uncertainty about what comes next for you after the divorce goes through.

When you feel insecure, you can deal with that in healthy ways or in ways that end up diminishing you and others. One thing that can happen is to attempt to shore up those insecurities by competing with your spouse, for instance. Have they started dating again? Then maybe you feel like you should start dating too.

Are they looking fit and happy? Then perhaps I should try and fake it till I make it. Aside from this, you can also get caught in a race to win the affections of your kids or the sympathies of bystanders. Instead of attempting to buy happiness by splurging on gifts for your kids or yourself, don’t even get into the race. Take life at your pace and in a way that fits your capacities.

4. Maintain healthy boundaries.

Earlier we mentioned that the reactions of people around you are something you can’t control. What you can do is maintain healthy boundaries. Not everyone who offers their reactions to and opinions about your divorce deserves a hearing. Your loved ones, sure, but you should set clear boundaries with people so that they know what’s up for discussion and what isn’t.

5. Be patient with yourself.

This lines up with the first point about divorce being messy. Life may not feel normal for a long while as you adjust to life as a divorcee. Be compassionate toward yourself and give yourself the room you need to grieve, feel your feelings, and begin rebuilding. It’s important to accept that something momentous has happened in your life and that it’ll take time to unravel the threads of it all.

6. Make use of your social networks.

A marriage expands our social circles to include the other person and the people we come to know through them. On the one hand, getting divorced might mean that your social network shrinks as you lose access to the people connected to your former spouse. However, that doesn’t have to be the case, and you still have your own connections from before the marriage.

Make use of those connections and allow that support system to do its thing. Within your network are shoulders to cry on, people that can help with grocery runs and school pick-ups, babysitters, prayer partners, and much else besides. Allow these people to love you and continue investing in these relationships.

7. Stay healthy.

The last thing on your mind when you’re stressed might be self-care, but that is probably when you need it most. Our bodies and minds can better deal with stressful situations when they are healthy and in good condition. Instead of turning to food, alcohol, or drugs to cope with the stresses and pressures of divorce, it’s far more productive to drink lots of water, eat a balanced diet with fresh fruit and vegetables in it, and get in your eight hours of sleep.

It’s better for your mental, physical, and emotional health. Another way to keep yourself active and promote your overall well-being is to challenge yourself by trying something new. Take a masterclass online or in person for something that’s always fascinated you, but you never got around to. Self-growth can help provide a healthy sense of purpose and fulfillment. If you can afford it, take a vacation with family or friends to decompress and refresh yourself.

8. Get help.

Lastly, you can also pursue help in the form of professional counseling. You may be in the process of divorce and were already making use of couples counseling to try and patch things up. In that circumstance, it may be helpful to continue with that counseling but begin directing the sessions toward helping you transition through your divorce and learning how to co-parent.

If you need individual counseling for dealing with divorce, make use of that. The process of divorce and its aftermath can be quite a heavy burden mentally and emotionally, but having a professional who can help you process it all and provides a space for you to unburden yourself is a blessing.

You may be struggling as you’re dealing with divorce, wrestling to discern the Lord’s voice in your life, and looking for strength to keep going, or you may be concerned for your children and how your divorce may affect them, or you may be uncertain about your future after divorce. Whatever the case may be, you should consider making an appointment and speaking with a Christian counselor to walk with you at this stage of your life.