8 Tricky Issues When it Comes to Gaslighting in Relationships

In the 1944 movie Gaslight, based on a play written a few years earlier, the female lead character, newly married Paula, moves to her family home with her husband after the death of her wealthy aunt. When she starts to notice strange things happen, like a brooch going missing and the gas lights dimming, she expresses concern to her husband who assures her that she must be mistaken and have remembered incorrectly. As time goes by, with repeated such incidents, Paula begins to doubt her sanity and is driven to the point of mental breakdown. Such is the pattern of gaslighting in relationships, a sinister form of emotional abuse that is as common today as it was in the ’40s and, indeed, since the serpent caused Eve to doubt whether God indeed speaks the truth.

8 Reasons Gaslighting in Relationships is Hard to Stop

Like many types of emotional manipulation, gaslighting in relationships is difficult to stop in its tracks, for several reasons. These include:

1. The process of gaslighting is slow and subtle.

It seems strange and unbelievable that a person can become unsure that what they have seen or heard may not have happened; but gaslighting in relationships occurs gradually over time, with the manipulator honing their skills to a fine art. Someone who has been given over to the sin of emotionally abusing another person becomes very adept at playing their game.

Much of the time they are charming and romantic (when looking at a marriage relationship – the most common occurrence for gaslighting) and use premeditated techniques to wear a person down and put thoughts in their head. It is certainly not an overnight process, and the accusations can range from mild and harmless to unspeakably severe.

2. The victim becomes convinced it’s their fault.

As is the case with all abusive situations, the victim becomes certain that they are to blame. It is a way to rationalize what is otherwise impossible to understand, and a way of excusing what is happening, both to themselves and others. Gaslighting in relationships will delude the victim to the point that all the shame of the situation falls directly on their shoulders, and they become caught up in their own mental drama.

They become completely absorbed in their deficiencies and focus all their efforts on trying to be a better partner. While these efforts may yield positive results for a time, they also play directly into the gaslighter’s control idol, who can manipulate everything according to their own will.

3. Gaslighting isolates victims from a support network.

A gaslighter will ensure that their victim is gradually cut off from their support network. This can be through a physical move to a remote location, or through further manipulation, where the person is made to believe that their close friends and family are of the same negative opinion about them or cannot be trusted.

In this state of isolation, the manipulator is free to inflict their abusive behavior with little concern that they will be outed. They successfully cut off ties with anyone who might recognize the problem and who might have offered proper support and help for the victim.

4. The gaslighter turns others against the victim.

In line with the point above, gaslighting in relationships continues unhindered because of the abuser’s successful techniques in blatantly lying about their partner. They could use “inside information” to give the impression that the victim has been gossiping about the friend in question or could use the situation to convince them that the victim is mentally unstable or depressed. They create a very believable alternative reality, leaving the abused completely at the mercy of the dominant partner’s narrative.

5. The victim defends their abuser.

Whether they get to the point where they believe their own lies, or whether they fabricate the situation to avoid shame, a person who is on the receiving end of gaslighting in relationships will agree with their abuser’s perspective and defend them in public.

This is a typical abuse pattern and makes it difficult for friends or family to get involved as the victim will generally not come forward and be honest about what is happening behind closed doors. They in turn become very skilled at “normalizing” their partner’s behavior and take offense when the abuser’s actions are questioned.

6. The gaslighter can be unaware of what they are doing.

While we have painted a picture of a delinquent character inflicting heinous abuse on someone they claim to have loved, the “abuser” is completely trapped in their sinful nature and sinful behavior and may be completely unaware of what they are doing. Gaslighting in relationships is often a generational sin, passed down from parents and patterns of dysfunctional behavior, and so it “comes naturally.”

Thus, when confronted, they deny guilt. Their lack of emotional intelligence renders them unable to discern why they are behaving in a way that undermines and destroys another person’s confidence and very sense of self. They need to be brought to their knees before they can start an in-depth journey of reflection and repentance.

7. The victim lacks the confidence to escape.

A person who has been on the receiving end of gaslighting in relationships will have every inch of their self-confidence and sense of self eroded. Along with believing that they are defective and not a good partner, any inner strength will have been destroyed, and they will lack the confidence to escape. Even if they get to the point where they recognize that there is a significant issue, they will often lack the ability to get out of the situation.

In the case of marriage, financial considerations, and support for one’s family make many abused women (the typical scenario, although it may happen the other way around) refuse to even entertain the idea of trying to get away from their abuser until it gets to a point of desperation when they feel that their lives are under threat.

8. The pattern is difficult to stop.

Gaslighting in relationships is difficult to end because of all the reasons mentioned above. The victim becomes entangled in a psychological battle for her sanity, where she mistrusts her perceptions and eventually relies on her abuser to entirely define reality for her. The abuser is addicted to his nefarious behavior and is equally entangled in this sin. While it is a tricky situation to define, to be in, and to end, in Christ there is hope for the pattern to be broken.

God did not intend for us to abandon all reason and rely on another person’s judgment; He wants us to live in truth. He has also made us to be in community with others so that these situations do not escalate. If you suspect that you may be in a gaslighting relationship, take the bold step of seeking out counseling.

2 Timothy 1:7 says “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline”; and this is true even for the abusive relationship. Do not isolate yourself from Christian friends but make every effort to share your life with those close to you. Keep a journal and write down incidents that occur at home to have concrete evidence as well as an honest account of what has happened.

Gaslighting in relationships is by no means limited to a marriage, but also occurs between abusive parents and children, and often in toxic church cultures where the pastor or a person in leadership abuses their position of power.

Christian Counseling for Relationships Issues

While it is extremely detrimental and those who have fallen prey to the abuse will walk a long road to recovery, be encouraged that there is a way out – and that starts with the small step of acknowledging the problem and praying about who you need to share it with. Feel free to browse our online counselor directory to find the best counselor to meet your needs, and contact us today to begin the path to healing.