Emotional Abuse in the “Perfect” Home

If physical abuse or sexual abuse is present in a home, it’s hard to ignore. Children who show up to school with injuries and are extremely volatile tend to draw attention from teachers, friends, and pastors. Children suffering from this form of abuse are traumatized by these life-altering realities.

Homes like these are often unstable and part of a larger story connected to substance abuse, addiction, and psychological disorders. Since others from outside the home can usually tell something is going on, there is a higher chance of these forms of abuse being addressed because the horrors of these forms of abuse are hard to ignore.

However, there are other forms of abuse that are more subtle and less easily noticed. Two such forms are emotional abuse and neglect. These forms of abuse typically don’t get addressed and therefore the victims usually go untreated.

Many seemingly “perfect homes” are filled with unknown pain and suffering because of emotional abuse and neglect. Often these are the sins of Christian homes. Most Christians know that sexual and physical abuse is wrong and will avoid crossing such obvious lines, but that doesn’t mean their families embody the love of Christ.

Christians must be especially careful to not fall into patterns of emotional abuse and neglect. Just because your church family might not be able to hold you accountable for these behaviors, you will eventually answer for them.

What are Emotional Abuse and Neglect?

Emotional Abuse

The U.S. government defines emotional abuse toward children as, “Emotional abuse (or psychological abuse) is a pattern of behavior that impairs a child’s emotional development or sense of self-worth.” This means you don’t have to be physically hurting or sexually violating a child to be abusing them. Emotional abuse can be constant criticism of a child or a refusal to acknowledge their experience.

Common forms of emotional abuse are:

• Calling them names.
• Screaming at them.
• Blaming them for things that aren’t their fault.
• Insulting them.
• Constant criticism.
• Threatened violence.
• Allowing them to see violence toward others.

These forms of abuse may hit much closer to home. You may read this list and feel your heart begin to hurt because you know you’ve emotionally abused your child. If that’s true, don’t stop reading. The only way to move forward is to acknowledge what is going on and get help so you can restore the relationship with your child.

If you are finding yourself having a tough time reading this article, consider reaching out to a Christian counselor. Many of them specialize in family work and will be able to help your process and resolve whatever is taking place in your own heart, so you don’t have to take it out on your children.

Neglect

Neglect isn’t necessarily another form of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is typically intentional. So emotional neglect can be a form of emotional abuse if a parent is intentionally choosing to neglect a child, such as refusing to feed or properly cloth a child.

Common forms of neglect are:

• Physical neglect: not providing shelter, clothing, food, or water to a child.
• Medical neglect: not providing proper hygiene or medical care to a child.
• Educational neglect: not making sure a child is properly enrolled in school and attending classes.
• Emotional neglect: not caring for the child’s emotional needs and experiences.

But there are times when neglect is unintentional. For example, if a child comes home from school sad about their grade on a test and their parents shrug it off, it could be an example of unintentional emotional neglect.

By shrugging them off instead of asking them about how they are feeling and why, they miss an opportunity to help them grow emotionally. Again, this isn’t necessarily intentional, but it still is a moment of neglect.

How to spot emotional neglect and abuse in children

Since these forms of abuse are more subtle, they are often more difficult to identify. However, there are some symptoms and signs that a child may be suffering from either emotional abuse or neglect or sometimes both.

Typical signs of emotional abuse in children are:

• fear about a parent.
• telling friends and teachers that they hate a parent.
• low self-esteem.
• emotional immaturity in comparison to their peers.
• trouble with speech (stuttering, talking too fast or too loudly).
• sudden changes in performance or mood (doing poorly in school).

While most of these symptoms or behaviors can have multiple sources, a consistent pattern of behavior signals something is going on. If you are parents, teachers, or youth leaders observing a child, keep these behaviors in mind as you engage with a child. If you notice a pattern of behavior, consider talking with another parent, principal, or pastor about your concerns.

Neglect in some senses is easier to identify because the results are often reflected in the dress and physical appearance of the child. Although emotional neglect and lack of supervision can produce symptoms that are much more difficult to spot.

Typical signs of neglect in children are:

• Lack of attendance or enrollment in school.
• Insufficient clothing for the weather.
• Begs for or steals food or money.
• Lacks basic personal hygiene.
• Abuses alcohol or other substances.
• Lacks proper medical attention and care.
• Is left home alone unsupervised for hours.

These are signs that a child could be suffering from neglect in the home. Teachers, youth leaders, and parents should remain alert to these sorts of behaviors.

A Christian Response

Christians are commanded in the Bible to raise up their children in the way they should go. This does not consist of emotional abuse or neglect. Both experiences traumatize children and can contribute to sinful patterns in their life.

Christian homes must acknowledge that they are not immune to these sorts of behaviors. Taking students to church on Sunday does not equal good and loving parenting. Parents must consistently be searching their hearts and examining their behavior with their children.

Are you being present to them in their emotions? Are you giving them the encouragement they need? It’s easy to begin thinking that your words don’t leave a lasting impact or that they see and know you love them, but if you aren’t showing that to them, then they may suffer these very abuses.

Christians must also be alert to families and friends in their community who may be perpetuating this form of abuse. It’s easy to become very harsh and critical with children when you are trying to raise them in the way of righteousness. If you see yourself or others responding to children harshly, it is important to address these behaviors.

If you or someone you love is struggling with this sort of behavior toward a child, consider Christian counseling. Often, children trigger painful memories or push you to your limits. In these moments, if you have not pursued health and healing yourself, then you can respond in negative ways.

A Christian counselor will be able to help you parse out your family dynamics. They will give you advice on how to respond to a troubled child and how you can create emotional margin for yourself.

Conclusion

It’s easy to miss emotional abuse or neglect in your home. If everything seems to be going alright, you might miss the more subtle forms of abuse that can occur in your family. Followers of Jesus must constantly root out these behaviors from themselves and become advocates for children in these situations.

God’s heart is as gentle as it is firm. Sometimes firmness feels like good parenting, but Christians need to remember God’s heart is gentle and merciful. He wants his children to feel and know his love personally, and that should be your goal for your own children.