Common Behaviors of Toxic Couples

Finding a partner to share our lives with, someone to help us navigate life is one of the joys of being on this earth. Life can be hard when we go alone. When we are looking for this person to share our lives with, we hope that they are loving, supportive, compassionate, and respectful, among other qualities. These qualities make room for healthy relationships, marriages, and ultimately healthy families.

Though this is the ideal for relationships, and most people hope to have this kind of love, some people, unfortunately, end up with toxic partners. Toxic partners bring a lot of negativity to the relationship by being unsupportive, demeaning, disrespectful, and at times violent.

Instead of filling you up and being a source of encouragement, toxic relationships can leave you worse off, with your self-esteem shredded, and questioning your value or worth.

Granted, any relationship is hard. Many of us go through life without being taught how to relate to other people and in turn, we can hurt those we love unintentionally and vice-versa. However, a relationship becomes toxic when one or both partners are out to hurt the other person, intentionally.

Most of us might experience moments when our spouse is not the best, when they might disrespect us here or there. What determines that a relationship is toxic is the frequency of said negative behaviors. This way of living becomes the norm for the couple in this situation.

Behaviors of toxic couples.

All relationships face their challenges and couples find healthy ways of resolving conflicts. No marriage is without its troubles. However, certain patterns can be seen in couples that can be termed toxic and should be a cause for concern if not addressed in time.

One major reason why toxic behavior in marriages or relationships needs to be addressed is that in certain instances it intensifies to become abusive, violent, and life-threatening. Toxicity in relationships can be seen in how a couple relates to each other. Below are some red flags to look out for. If one or both partners behave in any of the following consistently, it might be time to seek help.

Lack of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to feel for another in times of distress. Toxic partners do not possess this ability. They cannot show compassion and in turn, live to hurt and harm. They are cruel in how they relate to their partner and others. These toxic partners lack the willingness to understand other points of view, which means they are always right.

Demeaning the other.

A person who belittles your viewpoints, beliefs, and contributions as silly or stupid is toxic. We all need a sense of being seen and understood, but when you have a partner who often puts you down, whether in private or in public, it can be hard to build a future together. These partners have a sense of superiority and are critical of what you do or say.

Use of anger as a weapon.

These are the bad-tempered partners who use anger as a form of control. These partners make the home unsafe because everyone, including the children, will be walking on eggshells around them. It is hard to know what will set them off, which means that the inhabitants of that home are constantly being vigilant and anxious. The angry party feels powerful when intimidating others.

Insecurity.

Insecure partners can be hard to please and they can also be dangerous. Due to their insecurity, they are in constant need of validation and approval, which most times seems not to be enough. If your partner is insecure, it can be incredibly draining to try and prop them up all the time. Their constant need for recognition and approval can lend you in their firing line if you disapprove of anything they do, they take it personally.

Always playing the victim.

There are situations in which you tell your partner how much they hurt you, and you find yourself at the end of that conversation comforting them instead. Partners like this will always find a way to make everything about them. They blame you for everything, even for treating you badly. They find a way of twisting the truth so that you end up taking care of their hurt and disappointment. This also ties into their inability to be empathetic.

Possessiveness and jealousy.

This trait is common in toxic partners. Due to a lot of reasons, these partners are in constant need of reassurance of fidelity. They do not trust easily. They become angry and sometimes abusive if they suspect that you are not being truthful with them. These partners can be dangerous as their inability to trust can lead them to be violent in situations where they suspect infidelity.

Not pulling their weight.

Another toxic trait is that of a passive partner. This is someone who does not take responsibility for the relationship or major life decisions. They leave everything to their partner. This lack of responsibility can leave the other partner feeling resentful and overwhelmed.

Unreliability.

The perks of being in a committed relationship are that you know that your partner has your back, and you know you can count on them to show up for you when you need them. However, when you have a partner that lies, does not keep their word, or simply dismisses their responsibility, it can make it hard to build a future together.

Effects on toxic couples.

• Mental health toll due to increased stress and anxiety.
• Low self-esteem as a result of demeaning and unsupportive relating.
• Isolation that comes as a result of being cut off from family and friends, and constant drama.
• You are not seen, heard, loved, or validated.
• Your physical health is put at risk as a result of the emotional toll and exhaustion you feel in the presence of a toxic partner (examples are: high blood pressure, ulcers, and a compromised immune system).
• Unsafe home environment for your children.
• Abuse, violence, and in some instances death.

How toxic couples can stop.

To say a couple is toxic is not to say that it cannot be saved or restored. Most people can find love and joy on the other side of toxicity, it is however important to note that for any relationship to be restored, both parties need to be willing to put in the work, accept their roles and make amends.

It is also important to note that as much as we want, we cannot change anyone, so if your partner is not willing to change or at least seek help, below are some ways you can protect yourself.

• If the relationship is toxic to the extent of being violent and abusive, please remove yourself and the children as soon as it is safe to do so and seek help.
• Create, communicate, and enforce boundaries in situations where you might need to protect yourself from your partner’s toxic behavior.
• Be assertive in communicating your discomfort, needs, and fears.
• Go for couples counseling to have a third party help you both break the cycle of toxicity. Even if your partner does not want to go, you can go alone to get help for coping and maintaining your mental health.

Next steps.

It can sometimes be hard for toxic couples to tell that they are in a toxic relationship. Most of us might look at the troubles and patterns and think that maybe it is the way marriage or relationship should be. Relationships are hard work, but if any of the characteristics discussed gave you pause, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me or one of the other counselors listed on our website.

We are here to help you and your partner evaluate your relationship and get tools to help you move forward. Contact our office today.