How to Fix a Relationship with Trust Issues

Imagine that you have a friend over for dinner. When they’re taking their plate to the kitchen after the meal is finished, they drop it and of course, it shatters, sending shards of glass in every direction. They apologize profusely and help you clean it up. You assure them it’s fine; accidents happen – no harm done.

The next time your friend comes over, they break another dish. They apologize again. You feel some frustration but, assuring them it’s okay, and you clean up the mess. The next day, your friend comes over and breaks another dish. This time, you openly show your frustration and ask if they’re doing it on purpose. They acknowledge that they did it on purpose and apologize. After they leave your house that day, do you invite them over again?

Broken trust, like broken dishes, shatters something that seemed secure. There’s the pain of someone hurting you, and there’s potential for more future pain. Sometimes, trust issues extend beyond a particular relationship, and start affecting all your relationships, or preventing you from forming new bonds with others.

In the broken dishes analogy, having “trust issues” might look like this: as other guests come into your home now and then, you fear that they might not be trustworthy, either. Vulnerability starts to seem dangerous, but you still want to connect with your family, friends, and spouse.

What Do We Mean by “Trust Issues”?

What exactly is meant by “trust issues,” and what does the Bible say about relationships, honesty, and trust? Usually, when we talk about trust issues, we’re referring to a romantic relationship/marriage in which one partner has lied or betrayed their partner’s trust in some way, often related to infidelity. Or we’re talking about a person who has general trust issues, who struggles to let their guard down in relationships because they’ve been hurt in the past.

Trust issues can extend beyond romantic relationships to every interaction we have with others, but often people especially struggle in two ways:

1. They struggle to let new people into their life.
2. They struggle to be their authentic self with those they already know, even people they’ve known for a long time.

People can be labeled as having trust issues as a negative characteristic or in a derogatory sense, but keep in mind that it’s actually wise to vet the people you allow into your life and to choose your friends carefully (Proverbs 13:20). Not everyone is a trustworthy person, some people have ulterior motives, and it’s not possible to be close friends with all your acquaintances.

Trust issues become a problem when they extend beyond a wise and reasonable limit on vulnerability, and you’re the best person to determine whether you would like help to be less guarded. Christian counseling can help you unpack what’s behind any difficulties you’re having with trust, including a fear of intimacy, fear of self-disclosure, or other factors.

Difficulty trusting other people often stems from childhood neglect, abuse, abandonment, or wounds from past relationships, or traumatic experiences. Trust issues usually stem from trust being broken many times, not just once – although they could come from one major breach of trust.

In counseling, you can work on resolving issues from the past and processing any trauma you’ve experienced. You can work through these things at your own pace and with the guidance of your counselor, challenging yourself when you’re ready, and getting support to navigate your relationships.

What is Trust?

Since we’re using the word so often, let’s define what trust means. According to the dictionary, trust is a “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.”

You might remember that the Bible continually tells us to trust in the Lord, like in Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” After all, God is the ultimate source of truth, ability, and strength. We can rely on him when we can’t rely on anyone else.

As his children, we are called to be imitators of him (Ephesians 5:1). Since God is the only perfectly trustworthy friend, believers should emulate his character as we grow to be more like him. That means we should strive to be people of integrity, on whom others can depend, committed to honesty and honoring our vows and commitments.

However, we can’t control the actions and choices of other people, and this is where the pain of betrayal can catch us off guard. If someone in your past, whether a parent, partner, or someone else, has betrayed you in some major way, it can be exceedingly difficult (though not impossible) to learn to trust other people again.

Christian counseling can help you discern when it’s wise to offer your trust and vulnerability in a relationship, how to fix a relationship with trust issues from past betrayal, how to discern whether a person is genuinely repentant, whether the change will last, etc.

Do I Have Trust Issues?

It can be hard to tell if your concerns in a specific relationship are justified if you struggle to trust people. And even if you do have a fear of intimacy or trouble with vulnerability, that doesn’t mean your concerns are unfounded, either! Untangling fear, vulnerability, and distrust can take a lot of thought, time, and effort.

Good Therapy offers this list to help discern if you have trust issues that can affect your life as a systemic issue:

• Lack of intimacy or friendships
• Mistrust that interferes with a relationship
• Dramatic and stormy relationships
• Suspicion or anxiety about friends and family
• Terror during physical intimacy
• Belief that others are deceptive or malevolent without evidence

Overcoming the protective mechanism of not trusting others can be terrifying and having a counselor to walk you through the process can help you overcome your fears step-by-step, as well as making sure you are physically safe and addressing any trauma that may be present.

Counseling for Trust Issues

It’s completely valid to struggle with trusting others based on past experiences, but it takes away from the quality of your life and relationships or potential relationships. If you struggle to trust people, don’t lose hope! You’re not doomed to feel like this forever, and change is possible.

You can grow and learn to evaluate each person on their own terms. You can get used to operating in wise, self-protective patterns, not just reactions to past triggers or fear of abandonment.

If you are in a relationship or marriage with a fundamentally trustworthy person, but you’re unable to let your guard down and be yourself, individual counseling can help you process your experiences and heal your relationship.Couples counseling can help couples overcome trust issues in one or both partners, whether a couple is trying to fix a marriage after an affair, or whether one spouse struggles because of childhood trauma, or other concerns.

Healthline outlines the following signs of trust in a romantic relationship:

• You feel committed to the relationship and to your partner.
• You feel safe with your partner and know they’ll respect physical and emotional boundaries.
• You know your partner listens when you communicate your needs and feelings.
• You don’t feel the need to hide things from your partner.
• You and your partner respect each other.
• You can be vulnerable together.
• You support each other.

If you’re missing some of these signs, it might be because your partner has betrayed you. Maybe they’re not trustworthy, which needs to be addressed. Or some of those signs might be absent because you’re simply struggling to trust them, even though there are no significant issues.

To go back to our broken dishes example, you would be right not to trust your friend in that situation. No matter what their words were, their actions were the same every time you let them into your house (which requires vulnerability and trust), and they betrayed your trust by their actions. Their words and apologies did not match the repetition of a hurtful action.

So, if you didn’t invite your friend over again, you’d be making a reasonable and logical choice not to trust them. But what if your friend apologized and you decided to give them another chance and they never broke a dish again? The restored trust would be reasonable in that instance.

Trust goes both ways: how we relate to others, and how they relate to us. Our decision to trust comes from within, and it is dependent on each relationship we’re in. You can address and work on the unhealthy fears that may hold you back from intimacy, but you can’t make other people trustworthy, and it’s wise to guard your heart against people who may want to harm you (Proverbs 4:23.)

Please contact us today at [phone #] or fill out our contact form [link] to set up your risk-free initial session for individual or couples counseling. Trust issues don’t have to keep you from enjoying lasting and meaningful relationships in every area of your life.