Identifying a Toxic Friendship

Over half of the American adult population has a close friend group of between two and five close friends, but not every connection we maintain is a fruitful friendship. Some friendships can be damaging and toxic.

Friendship often means persevering with someone’s occasional bad behavior and, in turn, having someone put up with your own. We all have baggage, things to work on, and days where we are not the best version of ourselves. But what is the difference between a normal, occasionally messy friendship and a toxic one?

Warning signs of a toxic friendship.

A toxic friendship is one in which a damaged person, under the guise of being a “friend,” manipulates, dominates, and exploits you for gain. This perpetrator is someone who is not simply having a bad day or a tough month; instead, their bad behavior is a repeated pattern. This person will mask their true motivations with seemingly good behavior. In this way, they benefit from your attention, time, and resources for as long as it takes for you to identify them as toxic.

Here are some warning signals that your friendship might be toxic:

Failure to apologize or acknowledge guilt.

A toxic friendship is one in which you rarely hear apologies. Instead, you might hear sentences like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry, but it’s not that bad.” These appear as apologies, but they are simply tactics to diffuse tension and avoid taking responsibility.

By contrast, a healthy friend will hear you out when you express that they have upset you. They will seek to understand how and why you were hurt and will apologize and pledge to work on the issue. You will be able to speak to them about the issue, whereas the toxic friend might not even make themselves approachable in the first place.

Demanding your attention without reciprocation.

There are times when a good friend may invade our space at inconvenient times because they need a listening ear, our perspective, or our advice. This is what friendship is for, and it is acceptable if it goes both ways.

If you cannot approach that same friend in the same way, then that friend could be preying upon a weakness or insecurity of yours and could be exploiting you. This behavior is toxic and over time could deplete you of energy, compassion, and practical resources.

Attempts to change you.

A good friend may observe and bring to light certain things that you were not aware of about yourself. This might feel confrontational, but if they intend to help you, it can be valuable. You may benefit from adjusting something, or at least having a conversation about it.

However, the toxic friend often involves themselves in minute details of your life, seeking to change and mold aspects of your identity. They may compare you to someone else or regularly criticize the way you look or act. If you regularly feel diminished or ashamed of yourself after spending time with them, then they are not helping you, and this is an indicator of a toxic friendship.

Damages your surrounding relationships.

If one of your friends constantly gossips about the rest of your friend group, proceed with caution. The toxic friendship generally has an insecure attachment style stemming from unresolved trauma and emotional damage.

They can be possessive and clingy, desiring your full attention and resentful of anyone with whom they have to share you. It is best to avoid gossip in general, much more so when it involves your immediate friend group or romantic partner, or spouse.

Sometimes it is easier to identify a problematic friend by observing the way that you feel after having spent time with them. A toxic friendship will have you feeling worse for having been in their company.

You may feel drained, find that your self-esteem is lower, or maybe you just have an unsettled feeling. You might not be able to articulate your feelings, but you just know something is “off.” The unsettled feeling you have is an effect of having been manipulated.

Pay attention to your stress or anxiety levels around your friend. People with toxic behavior can be unpredictable in their moods and motives. If you find yourself “walking on eggshells” around them, or treating them like a bomb about to explode, chances are that they are manipulating you to treat them a certain way.

Choosing a course of action.

Prolonged exposure to a toxic friend is likely to lead to damaged emotions, affected health both mental and physical, and worse. It may not be easy to take actionable steps away from the friendship, especially in the case of them being a work colleague or relative. However, you always have options, including the following.

Addressing the issue.

You can try to determine how open this friend would be to recovery from their toxic behavior. To begin this process, start a dialogue using “I” statements. For example, tell them that “I feel very undervalued when you ___”, or “I feel ashamed when you make jokes about me in front of our mutual friends.” They must hear the impact of their behavior, and it will be empowering for you to express your feelings to them if nothing else.

Taking a break from the friendship for perspective.

If you have said your piece and received an unsatisfactory response, initiating a break from the friendship might be necessary. This will provide a respite for you and hopefully some perspective for them. Be sure to explain why you would like to take a break from the friendship, and outline what that would look like. For example, you tell them not to contact you for a week, after which you will have a conversation again to hear their thoughts.

Setting and maintaining boundaries.

If it feels positive to reinitiate the friendship, it will be very important for you to set boundaries going forward. Outline the behavior you won’t accept, like lying, shouting, negativity, putting others down with insults, gossip, and demands on your time. Establish that, should these boundaries be breached, then the friendship is effectively over. This will be a good chance for the friend with toxic behavior to learn about repercussions and accountability.

Calling them out.

You may find that your life has vastly improved without them in it, and that may be the indicator showing that you are better off without their friendship. If this is the case, part ways from them clearly and decisively. Prepare the conversation you will have with them in writing. Writing it down may help marshal your thoughts and better express your feelings. Having a practice version of the conversation with a trusted friend or partner may help you refine the message.

Be firm, decisive, and direct. They may react emotionally, even aggressively to you bringing an end to the friendship. If this happens, state and restate your position calmly and then remove yourself from the situation physically. For the empaths, this may be a very difficult thing to do. However, your priority should always be your mental health and emotional wellbeing. 

The aftermath.

It is perfectly natural to experience a spectrum of emotions after exiting a toxic friendship. The emotional gamut can range from joy and relief at being away from the person to embarrassment and shame for ever having trusted them, to guilt and regret cutting them out of your life.

During this time, it will be important to lean into the positive and healthy friendships that remain and draw from their support and availability. Of course, it is entirely plausible that your trust in people might have been affected because of whatever might have transpired in the negative friendship. It may take time to learn to be vulnerable with friends again, in which case, you need to draw near to the people you know you can absolutely trust.

Engaging in hobbies, catching up with other friend circles, and practicing whatever self-care regimens work for you will be vital to your next chapter. It may take time to end a toxic friendship, including time to recognize one. But there is a way through and out to healing on the other side.

You might benefit most from talking to a counselor about the situation with the toxic friendship. Whichever stage from which you find yourself navigating the situation, a trained counselor will represent a neutral party and one that is invested in your healing. Please do not hesitate to book an appointment with us. The counselors at our office are ready to help.