Infidelity: 9 Signs of a Cheating Spouse

Infidelity is a gut-wrenching experience to go through. It can take many forms, such as physical and emotional affairs. A physical affair will likely involve sex while an emotional affair can be conducted online or in-person but without sexual intercourse. An emotional affair is problematic because an inappropriate emotional attachment is formed with a person who is not your spouse, undermining your legitimate relationship.

Many people are caught entirely unawares by their spouse cheating, but others may suspect that something is going on because their spouse has been acting out of character. Infidelity does change a person’s behavior, and they may show signs that an extra-marital relationship is going on.

Signs may point to something, but if you don’t have a complete picture, those signs could easily point to other things. While your spouse may display all the signs listed below, that may not necessarily mean they are cheating, though it likely indicates there’s something wrong in the relationship.

The signs of cheating can look different in each relationship, so follow your gut because you know your spouse better than anyone else but proceed with caution. If you do find that they’re cheating, reach out to a trusted person for empathetic support.

9 Signs of Possible Infidelity

Below are nine signs of a cheating spouse:

1. Secrecy

If your spouse starts exhibiting secretive behavior for no plausible reason, that may signal that they have something to hide like an affair. If they start putting passwords on their computer or phone that weren’t there before, and they refuse to share them, that’s a red flag.

If they begin leaving the room to take phone calls or reply to texts, or they never leave their phone in a room, begin deleting text messages, and clearing their browser history, all of those are possible signs. If you find that your cloud sharing has suddenly been turned off, and they no longer use shared family devices, this secrecy may add up to something they don’t want others to see, and an affair is one possibility.

2. Increased hostility

If your spouse is acting differently toward you by being short or hostile toward you, that too may be a sign that something is happening. When someone has an affair, they direct their emotional energy toward the affair. As we have finite amounts of emotional energy, that means the marriage is being short-changed, and that sometimes manifests in them losing their temper more.

Additionally, when someone is having an affair, they may begin shifting blame onto you to justify their behavior. They’ll become more critical of you because in their minds they are trying to justify what they’re doing – if there’s something wrong with you, the thinking goes, then they aren’t in the wrong for looking outside the marriage.

3. Decreased intimacy

Due to the emotional energy they are putting into the other relationship, they have less energy to pour into your relationship and emotional connection. They may become less vulnerable and available to you and your needs, and this may indicate a shift of focus. If you find that you’re losing communication with your spouse, whether it’s a failure to respond, listen to you, or even fight with you, that may point to infidelity.

4. Unexplained financial transactions 

Between gifts, hotel rooms, gas spent on extra trips, and other out-of-the-ordinary expenses, infidelity is expensive. If you also find that you’re fighting more about money, or if you find charges on your credit cards or withdrawals from your savings, and your spouse can’t explain or justify them, that may spell trouble.

5. Anxious friends

When infidelity happens, usually you may be the last person to find out about it. Your spouse’s friends may know what is going on, and when you talk with them, they may be anxious around you for no obvious reason, or they may avoid you altogether.

6. Unexplained absences

If your spouse begins to be absent without a reasonable explanation, that too may point to something being wrong. This may include being unreachable via phone without legitimate or plausible reasons, suddenly having an altered schedule such as spending extra time at the gym, working late, or having meetings and business trips when they never had those before, or their work doesn’t seem to call for it.

They may start arriving late or blowing off commitments altogether. They may start a new hobby that takes them away for hours on end, but if you ask them about it and show interest in it, they may be vague about things or seek to dissuade your interest in what they’re doing. The reason for this is that just as much as infidelity costs money, it also takes time. When probed, they may have flimsy excuses or no reasonable explanation for being absent more than usual.

7. Changed appearance

As human beings, we all have the ability and the desire to change and improve ourselves. We take up new interests or may decide to get healthy and in shape. All of these are legitimate and don’t point to infidelity as the cause. Depending on your spouse, the sudden interest in looking good may be an unexpected occurrence that is questionable.

If they take a sudden interest in their appearance and looking attractive (by getting a haircut, new clothes, and fragrances, or working out), and they begin putting in extra effort when going to certain social events or work, but they don’t seem as bothered about the effort around you, that may deserve further scrutiny.

8. Changes in sex life

An affair can cause changes in your sex life, and more, less, or different sex may indicate something is afoot. You may begin having less sex with your spouse because they are having that need met outside the marriage. On the other hand, you may also begin having markedly more sex because they are trying to cover up their affair.

Your sex life may also become different, with your spouse becoming adventurous and wanting to try new things in bed because they may be learning new tricks in the course of the affair. If you find you have a sexually transmitted infection and you haven’t been unfaithful, that too may point to your spouse cheating on you.

9. Lies, deflection, avoidance, and blameshifting 
If you mention the topic of infidelity, and you find your spouse getting angry, doing whatever they can to change the subject, shifting blame onto you and accusing you of cheating, or avoiding the subject altogether, something may be going on with them. Guilt is a powerful thing, and people will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid admitting to their actions when confronted.

When all is said and done, there is no definitive way to know if your spouse is cheating by the signs. The signs of infidelity are often subtle, and they will vary in each relationship and individual. Your spouse may be showing all the above signs, but there may be an explanation other than an affair.

Alternatively, they may not show any of these signs but be having an affair. If your gut is warning you that something is happening, that’s something you shouldn’t ignore, and an honest conversation with your spouse may be in order. If the signs, lies, and stories stop adding up, that may indicate that something is up, and you need to begin asking.

If your spouse is having an affair, don’t walk this journey alone. Find a trusted friend, pastor, or a trained and certified therapist with whom to share your concerns. Should you choose, seek relationship therapy together with your spouse or alone before you decide to end your relationship.