Narcissist and Codependent: Two Halves of a Dysfunctional Whole

A narcissist and codependent relationship is an association between two dysfunctional people who have complementary emotional imbalances, who depend on each other to fulfill their needs, and who tend to reinforce each other’s unhealthy behaviors.

The codependent person needs to be needed and will go above and beyond for the people he or she loves. The narcissist is selfish and egotistical and expects everyone else to go above and beyond for him or her. The two are irresistibly attracted to one another and form a toxic union based on an inequality of power. The codependent partner is always on the giving end, and the narcissist one does all the taking.

Although narcissists and codependents may seem like polar opposites, they have several traits in common such as being driven by self-doubt, insecurity, and a fear of being seen for who they really are.

Characteristics shared by both narcissists and codependents.

Dependency

Narcissists and codependents both struggle with their sense of identity. They have lost connection with their real selves, and depend on other people for validation and self-worth. The narcissist seeks to feel powerful, respected, and admired to boost his or her poor self-image, whereas the codependent needs to feel needed to feel significant.

Shame

Narcissists and codependents share a deep sense of shame and inferiority, which they try to cover up in different ways. The codependent by sacrificing his or her own needs to seek the approval and affection of others, and the narcissist by acting superior to everyone else to prove his or her worth.

Denial

Narcissists and codependents are both in denial of their feelings. Instead of being real, they project an image of how they want to be seen. Codependents cater to the needs of others, pretending they don’t have any of their own, while narcissists cover up their feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy by expressing anger, rage, or contempt.

Control

Narcissists and codependents both need to control others, but the codependent person does so more covertly. Whereas the narcissist will use manipulation to get a partner to provide the validation and praise she needs, the codependent will try to control loved ones by being empathetic and giving to demonstrate his value to them.

He may be willing to sacrifice everything to satisfy his needs, not out of true selflessness, but because he thinks it’s the only way he can keep them from leaving.

Lack of boundaries

Narcissists do not have boundaries and will ignore and/or overstep the boundaries of others. Codependents have hazy boundaries and tend to say yes when they want to say no because they think it’s their only choice. This makes it easy for the narcissist to take advantage of them.

Dysfunctional communication

Narcissists try to dominate all channels of communication. They won’t listen to their codependent partner because their only interest is to stay in control, and they don’t care what their partner thinks or how she feels. Codependents will allow themselves to be controlled rather than stand up for themselves because they fear upsetting their narcissistic partner and causing him to leave.

Fear of intimacy

Although the narcissist and codependent need and enable each other, they are afraid to connect on a deeper level. They both have a fear of intimacy. Neither of them sees the true self of the other because they are interacting with mental constructs each has created to reinforce his or her self-image.

What attracts the narcissist and codependent to each other?

The narcissist is self-centered, controlling, and feels entitled to have his wants met above everyone else’s. He is looking for someone who will boost his self-esteem and cater to his every need. The codependent is more than willing to fill this role. This makes for a natural attraction between the two.

At first, it seems like a match made in heaven. The codependent has found a partner she can pour herself into, and the narcissist has found someone who will always put him first.

What sours the relationship between narcissist and codependent?

Codependents have trouble acting independently or making decisions for themselves. They don’t like being alone and feel they must always be in a relationship. They are overly eager to please, over-dependent on others, and tend to gravitate towards controlling partners.

Their sense of self-worth comes through being able to meet the needs of others, and they are always looking for someone to take care of to boost their confidence. More often than not, they will mistake feeling needed for being loved.

Enter the self-centered narcissist who feels the world centers around him.

Narcissists have no sense of compassion or empathy towards others and feel no guilt or remorse about exploiting them. They feel entitled to place their feelings, wants, and/or needs above anyone else’s, and are drawn to the eager-to-please codependent.

At the beginning of the relationship, narcissists will emulate good behavior to create an image that will impress their potential partner, sweeping her off her feet, and making her feel a connection she has never felt before.

They will act attentive, charming, and caring, wooing her with seduction tactics such as gifts, compliments, and romantic overtures to manipulate and lure the unsuspecting codependent into their trap. The codependent feels special and is easily sucked in.

Once the narcissist knows the co-dependent is hooked, he drops the charm and gradually replaces the adoring behavior with disdain and criticism.

At first, the codependent partner thrives on being able to help the narcissist and cater to his needs, but this turns to disappointment when his kindness is not met with appreciation. She craves the love and attention the narcissist first showered on her at the beginning of the relationship, and works harder to try and please his narcissistic partner in an attempt to recreate it, but to no avail since it was never genuine to begin with. It was just a form of manipulation based on ulterior motives.

Narcissists only value their codependent partners as long as they are willing to sacrifice their wants and needs to please them. They feel entitled to the codependent’s love, sacrifice, and care, and will use tactics such as emotional abuse, insults, and gaslighting to devalue them and make them feel inadequate. They will also project traits they don’t like in themselves onto their codependent partner and shame them for those traits.

Since narcissists are out of touch with their feelings and their true selves, and codependents derive their sense of self from feeling needed in their relationship, they are unable to form a meaningful bond with one another. What starts out looking like a perfect match can morph into a toxic nightmare.

The codependent blames themself for the narcissistic partner’s discontent, and the relationship turns into a dysfunctional cycle of approval and rejection. The codependent tries to gain back the narcissist’s favor and the narcissist receives the attention he craves without having to do anything in return. Occasionally, the narcissist will string the codependent partner along with just enough contrived attention to keep hope alive.

Seeking the help of a trained mental health professional can help turn things around. If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in our online directory, please reach out and give us a call today.