Why Boundaries in Marriage are Important

You might think the concept of boundaries in marriage seems like a funny one. After all, you’re married, right? Two becoming one, leaving and cleaving – being married shouldn’t involve boundaries, should it? What many people get confused about is the difference between the healthy interdependence of a thriving marriage and the codependency of a marriage without boundaries.

What Are Boundaries?

A boundary, by definition, is a way of creating a distinction between two things that could otherwise merge. A fence is a physical boundary that shows where a property line is, or how far the dog is allowed to roam before going no further. State lines, though invisible, are the boundaries that limit jurisdiction to a certain geographical area.

Similarly, boundaries help you to know where you end, and the other person begins. They help to create ownership over what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s responsibility. That is why boundaries in marriage remain an important concept to grasp.

To truly give yourself to another person you must know what is yours to give. Without first knowing where your boundaries are, it’s difficult to enter a healthy relationship with any individual, whether it’s a marriage, friendship, or family relationship.

Leave and Cleave?

You might be thinking at this point that the idea of boundaries in marriage doesn’t make sense if you’re familiar with the verse, “therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Gen 2:24). If a marriage is about “one-ness” then what room does it hold for boundaries? This verse itself is a clue to how boundaries are supposed to work in a healthy marriage.

Boundaries in Marriage Protect from Intrusion

Once a couple is married, it is up to them to prioritize that relationship. Depending on relationships with families of origin, this could mean some conflict emerges when there are competing values, patterns, or ideas about how things should be done. It’s common to have this be a point of conflict in your marriage, which is why it’s important to discuss boundaries both before and during the marriage.

If one or the other of you has not separated their primary responsibility from their family of origin and shifted it toward their spouse, then it starts to place your spouse in competition with your family. This can start to create triangulation and resentment. It’s not that boundaries around your marriage relationship preclude close relationships with your family, simply that it is a means of ordering who you are most bound to, and whose needs will come first.

Another area where boundaries in marriage protect against intrusion is in having agreed boundaries around your spouse’s interactions with other men and women. This doesn’t mean that you mistrust your spouse, but instead it can simply be a means of respecting that you are prioritizing them, and because of this you’re operating within certain parameters. These can be highly individual, and again, are not a means of control but of creating safety and respect for the marriage.

Similarly, boundaries around things such as pornography usage can be a protection for the marriage. It is reasonable for a spouse to expect that their partner will remain faithful to them, and the boundary that is violated by pornography can be every bit as damaging as the betrayal of an affair.

Boundaries in Marriage Create Interdependence, not Co-Dependence

It can be confusing to delineate the difference between the proper interdependence of marriage, and being codependent with our spouse. The Apostle Paul provides some helpful insight when he says:

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ…For each will have to bear his own load. – Galatians 6:1-3,5

In the same paragraph, we learn that we are to help and care for our brothers and sisters in Christ, and if our spouse

is a believer then this admonition applies to them. We are to invest in and look out for our spouse’s emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. However, Paul ends the admonition by telling us that “each will have to bear his own load.”

What does it mean to “bear our own load” in a marriage? Let’s take the example of a spouse who’s going through some sort of mental health crisis, or dealing with a major life change. Obviously, if you are married to someone who is suffering, you’re going to be impacted, but it will be important that you have enough of a boundary that you don’t become completely absorbed in your partner’s struggle.

You can encourage your spouse to get counseling, ask them to schedule a doctor’s appointment, help encourage them while they’re searching for a new job, etc., but you will not be able to fix them or change them if they are not willing to take responsibility for themselves. No matter how much you care, you cannot do the emotional work or remove difficulty from another person’s life.

It can be painful to witness a spouse’s struggle, and you may be intimately involved in it, but you also must retain your sense of personhood outside of your marriage. If you mesh and become completely codependent with your spouse, it will be almost impossible to function if they are struggling. The best thing that you can do in these situations is to remain firmly grounded in the values and truth of who you are as a child of God.

In Oswald Chamber’s devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, he says, “One of the hardest lessons to learn comes from our stubborn refusal to refrain from interfering in other people’s lives. It takes a long time to realize the danger of being an amateur providence, that is, interfering with God’s plan for others.

You see someone suffering and say, “He will not suffer, and I will make sure that he doesn’t.” You put your hand right in front of God’s permissive will to stop it, and then God says, “What is that to you?” (Nov 15th)

Since you cannot know what a person might learn from their difficulties or struggles, it’s wise to refrain from playing God and protecting your spouse from the consequences of their actions. A healthy relationship involves two partners that both take ownership of their actions.

While letting boundaries slide and acquiescing to your spouse in a way that is not in line with your integrity might make for less conflict, it does not ultimately lead to more health in the relationship and can prevent necessary growth.

Where Do I Even Start?

If you’re struggling to know what boundaries in your marriage could look like, a counselor can be a helpful resource. Couples counseling can be helpful, but individual counseling can also be impactful.

One spouse becoming healthier will shift the dynamic of the relationship, and while this might feel disruptive at first, it can be the impetus for necessary change. If you feel that you could benefit from experienced help with your marriage, our counselors would love to help you gain the tools to establish healthy boundaries.