Why Do People Have Affairs? 3 Possible Reasons

Why do people have affairs, indeed? This is an age-old question asked by many, particularly onlookers from the outside, who are shocked when a couple in the community announces their impending divorce, following a marital rupture. The cause: an extra-marital affair. These onlookers are often dumbfounded by the development, as in their view the two shared a “happy marriage.”

More often than not, individuals who go down the path of pursuing an affair do not wake up and say, “I’m going to destroy my marriage.” Rather, it is the result of an action that happens before they realize it consciously.

The subconscious, of course, has been driving the action, and unhindered by any moral intervention, will achieve its desire at any cost. Such is the strength and power of our fleshly desires, as described in God’s Word:

…but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. – James 1:14-15

Why Do People Have Affairs?

Every relationship is unique, and it is difficult to pin down an exact response to the question: why do people have affairs? Counselors who see couples who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair might put it down to one or a combination of the following reasons:

Affairs as an escape from the mundane.

Any couple having been married for a while will lose that initial spark that brought them together in the early days of dating and the “honeymoon period”. Everyday life, bills to pay, sleepless nights with babies, and other stresses, can cause a marriage to fall into a rut.

This boredom and mundanity can lead to the door being opened toward a novel and exciting experience, particularly when a colleague or community member shows interest in a spouse who quite enjoys the ego boost.

Forbidden fruit.

Marriage is God’s good plan for a man and woman to bring each other joy and companionship, and the means from which to build a solid foundation for a healthy family structure. If this is so good, then why do people have affairs? As sinners, we have a natural bend toward desiring that which does not please God.

While we long to be upright, moral citizens, the reality is that it is only God’s grace that makes us right before Him, and while we are on this side of heaven, we will be tempted to fall into sinful patterns. An extra-marital affair takes place when we buy into the lie that somehow, forbidden fruit is sweeter and more satisfying than what is allowed to us.

Loss of connection in the relationship.

While affairs still occur regardless of the strength of a couple’s marriage, the reality is that when either spouse experiences a deficit in their “love tank”, they will be more prone to seek fulfillment and affirmation outside their marriage. These relational deficits can occur due to poor communication, which is the lifeblood of a healthy couple; lack of affection; a lack of physical intimacy; or a loss of emotional connection.

An affair does not necessarily have to end in divorce. If the transgressing spouse is prepared to repent and leave the extra-marital relationship, and commit to working on their marriage, and the spouse on the receiving end is equally committed, an affair can in some instances bring a married couple back to a stronger space. This would likely be more possible by attending counseling sessions, and a devotion to prayer and receiving God’s help.